...

I took a nap today. But it was far from pleasent. A nightmare reared its ugly head into my mind. I had died. And yet I could still see everyone, as a ghost I suppose. And everything was..normal. Nothing had changed. So when I woke up and found out it was nothing but a dream, the feeling of worry and fear still filled my mind. What if I die tomorrow? And worse, what if no one cares?

now's the time

In recent days, I've had numerous..debatable discussions about topics all across the board: life, the future, religion, politics, academia, & such in the most random of places & times: at work, in class, out, online.. It seems everyone has something different to say everytime, & that's interesting. I feel more enlightened (& college-y) talking about my views on so-and-so & hearing their input. Sometimes I feel outshadowed by them, feeling naive & unaware of the world I'm in.

I feel so unaccomplished already at age 18. Those around me already seem to have done so much, experience various feats, been all over the world. My peers tell me there's plenty of time to experience, to change my life to how I want it to be. I hope I'm not too late..

I spent too much of last semester turning to the past, trying to hold on. This year, it isn't so. I'm looking forward with high hopes. Experience new things, meet new people, go to new places..be a new me.

things i think of in the course of a day

~food
~homework
~the past
~the future
~sex
~happiness
~exercise
~friends
~sleep
~Oscar & Vienna
~boredom
~facebook
~class
~music
~leaving
~love
There's more, but this is all that presently comes to mind. There's three of these I think about most..which?

tick tock

3:14..yay pi time. I'm a math major, I can say that without teasing.

My eyes have difficulty staying open, yet I'm not feeling so tired.

I'm watching old music videos on youtube that I haven't seen since my childhood. Damn you, Kaylyn.

Turns out I'll be heading down to LC much sooner than planned. Longer, too.

I feel like shit. So sick (of love songs). I keep coughing every 30 seconds. Blood'll come out sooner or later. After downing a whole bottle of Vicks 44, I'm still sick. Wonderful. [I THINK I'M GETTING EVERYONE AROUND ME SICK. SORRY GUYS, BUT THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO PASS IT ON.]

Yeah, okay, finals are coming up. I haven't really studied yet. I need to. CC's coffee? Yucky. Highland Coffee? Eww. Charlie's Coffee? YUM.

Yeah okay, this is starting to sound alot like your newest blog entry, Rachel. This "freshman experience?" I don't think I've experienced the full effect, & that saddens me. I do think that this college experience has hit me though. In random moments. Crashing in the union between classes, waking up on the floor of a friend's apartment after a rowdy night, skipping...just for the hell of it. Okay well that one happened in high school too. I'm rather happy with this BR life though. Though I miss my friends terribly, I like it here. I like the atmosphere. Though any place other than LC, I'd be happy haha.

bleh

you, the hypocrite

You see someone taking their damn sweet time passing the crosswalk. Fury boils while you sit in your car, contemplating if you could get away with running them over. "Don't give me that smirk! You could be a fly on the windshield by now."

But now it's your turn. Park the car. Get out, & walk to class. Now YOU walk across the street, & this bastard in his used, American car gives you an ugly glare. "Please, like YOU'RE so important, a few seconds will kill ya.

Weren't you just that person in the car, evil-eyeing the pedestrian? Shaaaame.

...

These "implicit social norms." It's not common procedure to talk, or even make eye contact with the guy peeing next to you. But who told when you were growing up "Hey, when you use the urinal, DON'T TALK TO THE GUY NEXT TO YOU. IT'S WEIRD."


Social psychology seems interesting. Take the course? Nahh.

4 score pt. II

Turns out it was about a time capsule haha. Go figure.






Well, I've got the present picture. Let's see what it'll look like in 20 years. September 22, 2028? I'll be there.

GOLDFEST

WOW! What an experience, what a rush! My first concert did not fail to disappoint already high expectations. So much fun that it's hard to imagine what tops it.

Today started off interestingly enough. Woke up at 7:30. SNOOZE. Ended up skipping my only class of the day & really got up at 9:45. YAY to skipping my first college class to sleep in! *checks off on list of college must-dos* I still had to go on campus to go to a madatory TOPS meeting though. Man, the parking is horrendous after 10. I had to tail a girl leaving in order just to get a spot. Still far, too.

The meeting was rather redundant. Nothing I didn't already know or could find out on a website or brochure. But I did learn that in order to ensure your TOPS scholarship for all 8 semesters it is strongly suggested that you reapply every semester...or year. Not sure. Hmm.

Went over to Africa. Hung out with Kaylyn shooting the breeze & discussing a rather hindrance of a person. Once Adrianna got back we headed out to start our night on the town! Once out of BFE, Hello Sushi. Really. That's what the restaurant is called. Haha. It was rather nice. Went all out on implementing the theme anywhere possible. Sushi menu scantron? Very clever. Prices weren't bad. I want their tshirt hehe. Our waiter's bald head shined so bright I couldn't look directly or get blinded.

Adrianna & Kaylyn dropped their Jaguar label for a night to rep it up for LSU! Rocked that gold!

And now concert time! Initially, not much spirit. People just wanted to see celebs haha. Sean Kingston went out & rocked that shit. His bling was so big we were getting blinded every time the light hit it..again. Haha. Gavin? Wow! AT LEAST 12 songs. & he sounds just as good live as on his cds. Got a little preoccupied with his guitarist though hehe. Damn he has a wife & child though. We were so close to the stage! The pictures do NOT do it justice. Sitting down in the back would have been a completely different experience.

So to sum it up, at the end of the concert, I had an aching back, a sore throat, a trobbing right ear, & itchy eyes...& yet I'd do all over again.

"Dis water got more body den ME!"

Assembly. Fuck. Wake up at 7 in the morning after at most four hours of sleep. Drive in traffic infested Baton Rouge to LSU where there are fucking gates at every turn. Ugh, it's getting late so let's just park in the visitor's center. Walk, walk, walk. Where the fuck is it? Damn campus. Over 2000 acres. My feet thank me. Okay, I officially don't know where to go. Hey! A group. Oh well, follow them. It works. Get into a big assembly center. Maybe 3,000 people in here, & I have no idea who any of them are. I feel so alone. Let's just sit in this closed off section. Hmm, Pakastani speaker from England. Interesting. Start dozing off though. Random quote. "A-holes are everywhere." The author (artist. Good one Kaylyn!) is coming to speak in April. I can't wait to see her. Her book is very good. Lots of insight on the Middle East in comparison to USA. I met a Viet/Chinese guy from Lafitte though. I tried, happy?

One speaker said this book was a memoir of Marjane Satrapi's. In 2028, us general freshman will be the same age as her when she wrote Persepolis. Will we have a memoir? Will it ever exist? And even if it does, who will care about it. At least one. Us. She suggested to everday of your college years to document anything worth mentioning that you accomplished today. Anything in your day worth mentioning. That intrigues me. I might try it. I do want to write a book someday. A memoir of sorts I suppose. But I hate writing. But how else will people ever know I existed? That I felt. Blah, hippie shit.

Take pictures. Lots & lots. I want to see how your lives are going. A picture is worth 1000 words. I love taking pictures. Documenting where I've been. What I've done.

Man getting lost is easy. And it's so hot. I can't wait until winter. I love winter. Though the weather always makes me feel empty & incomplete? Sound crazy? Possibly. I walked around with a huge map in my face. I suppose people pitied me & tried to help. Pointed me in the wrong direction though. Fucker. Long lines everywhere! So not worth it.

If you thought The Fresh Market was nice, Whole Foods is even more extravagent. Even live music. Gelato section. No sushi section though. Major deduction. Water! Haha Kaylyn that moment was GOLDEN! Only you would get laughed at for being compared to a water bottle.

Class starts Monday. Am I prepared? Emotionally? No. Not at all. I miss my old life. I miss my friends. Them the most. I hope I'm missed too. This is what it takes for you to realize what you really value in your life.

stitch in time

why would it take a near-death experience for me to feel most alive? Is that why the spark kids all toke up?

utada's off by 4 years

So this is my exodus. Grand? Extravagant? Larger than life? Nope. Quite the contrary. Something that I do find comparable is that it's hard to believe. No more high school. When will it hit? I'm guessing when I have to huddle in a huge auditorium-z's still in my eyes-with about 500 other freshman, none of which I know. How cheesy it is to be told to treasure today, for it will never happen again. Unfortunately, it's absolutely true.

Four years of my life printed on a blue piece of paper to represent my accomplishment. Also a miniature laminated card for portability proof. How odd. I have been through countless experiences that have molded me into who I am today. Some bad, some good. All memorable.

So Mrs. Fraser says that I'll never see my whole class together EVER again. That's rather depressing actually. Some will be missed. Some won't. Some more than others. But that's life, right?

Throw your caps to the sky. I didn't really throw my grad cap. Maybe like 5 inches in the air. Does that mean something? That I can't bear to get rid of my past, my attachment to this comfort zone? I got attacked by someone's cap though. Fucking ninja-starred it at me.

Done. Fin. Kaput. Time to move on. TRY.

Mother Nature is Pissed

Earthquake in China, cyclone in Myanmar (Burma), volcano eruption in Chili, forest fires...everywhere. Is there a message coming with these events? Am I supposed to be getting something? It's truly sad to see one suffer, but to look at tragedy and not be so shocked is just astounding...or is it? Watch CNN, and there'll probably be a report that some random person died in combat in Iraq today. Who really cares anymore? That's just it. No one really cares. I don't bat an eye to hear such news. Okay, so it is sad, but it certainly didn't have as much dismay as it used to. How do I feel about these recent nature-related events? Of course I feel bad for them. What can I do? Apathy rears its ugly head on the unsuspecting.

sunshine poking through the clouds

Today wasn't such a bad day, overall. Finished my second and final AP exam. Sure writing three fucking essays straight in two hours was a bitch, but it wasn't as mind-numbing as expected. Had a good recovery with Mrs. Romero's treat to her dedicated AP students (and Garrett) in the form of a rather tasty lunch as compared to my usual nothing though I still can beast AP Lunch! Then off to Calculus with Bacon where last minute insight into the elusive bricks were revealed. Afterwards, back to Romero, but instead of the usual boring lesson, fun occurred.

future at my feet, past to my back

So one AP test down, one to go. Sure it was hard, but nowadays I'm expecting it. Not to say I'm prepared for it, but that's that. Okay, let's take a little nap. Wake up at 5:00 AM to study that prep book. Sounds good. -wake- 6:30? WTF!? Five more minutes, then the day will REALLY begin. What happened to stability? So abstract.

Related rates? Area between two curves? Newton's method? Sounds fun. Now I develop an idea of spatial reasoning. A little too late. Calc AP test wasn't too draining. I rather enjoyed it. Except for the failing part. Not too fond of that. English Literature. What a joke. Three fucking essays straight. Ode to jack shit. Sorry. Poetry is not my forté.

The more I think about it, the more that time machine sounds enticing. Repeat high school? Damn, why not just round it off to birth? So many mistakes to fix. Any regrets? Sure. Those who don't, well, screw you.

Okay, make a wish on the straight-digit clock. What was it? A good one? World peace? Aw, you lie! It was for money, huh? Strange how a piece of paper decides one's fate. Greed, deception, & betrayal: outcomes of monetary desire. Sure I make a wish for money, but not for personal, selfish crap. I want it so more important things can be focused on. Morals, values. So obstructed.

Speaking of which, if an injustice is witnessed, what should be done? Speak up? What if it's just none of your business? "Mind your own business." I only wanted to help.

In two year's time, it's Houston or bust. Why? Honestly? No idea. Sum it up to more opportunities. Another fresh start. Look back and learn from the past to prevent it in the future.

nếu người điên yêu... rồi tôi phải điên

...say goodbye...

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but as the sun sets, new colors emerge. In a year from now, maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said. At this point, I really can't see what there is I was wrong about. Go do what you want, but don't expect me to just sit back and accept it. You confide in me, and in return, I try to be a good, dependable friend----scratch that--I was a good friend. I suppose this was meant to happen, yet, it saddens me the way it escalated. Feel trapped? Can't breathe? Go far, and stretch your wings; if you fall I won't be there to catch you. I'm sure you'll find someone else. To clarify, you already have, haven't you. On to newer, better things and in return, trash what you already had? You'll learn soon enough. Karma is a bitch; trust someone with the experience.

Each and every end is always written in the stars. Fate, shall we dance? I'm moving on anyways. Within months this'll a be a blur anyhow. New friends, new challenges, new experiences. It's always been that way in my life. Making roots? Please. Within time mine are shifted to yet another unknown. It's not to say I don't want to keep touch with those I've grown to know and love. I want to come back to the 10-year high school reunion saying "How've you been in the last week since I've seen you?" I don't want to lose anything I've worked so hard to get in this town. However, I'm just fed up with this. How we end up is in the air, and whatever result is just that, your consequence.

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny. I'm tired of always biting the bullet. Why subject me so? I know better now. With experience comes wisdom. Learn from your mistake. I did, right from "Hello..."

moving 2 fast! (stop sign?)

Well this past week has just flown right by under our noses. I blink and half a month is out the window. Didn't it just turn 2008? Too old! Quá Già!

Math Club State Convention was fun. A nice break from the hectic trouble I have to deal with everyday in Lake Crapples. Sure I didn't really win anything, but that's ok....well it'd be a lie if I wasn't envious of my fellows all placing in something or another...hohum... I'm really glad I got to know some of the other Math Club members better. Chelsea cracks me up endlessly, it's a shame it took until now to get to know her better. I'm also glad I gave Melissa another chance. I can admit when I'm wrong, she's not a roach. I wish I took more pictures, not for the next scrapbook (FUCK THAT!) but just to mark more fun, memorable times with my friends before I embark on a new passage of life. Maybe this will document my memory of last minute scrapbook creation in between burger bites at Southside Bakery, blasting other school's scrapbooks with Chelsea -LOUDLY- before she chose to scurry under the table to work on the poster design, kicking a retarded cubic piece of furniture (FUCKING CUBE!) which has NO purpose except for taking space, eating midnight Cane's/sushi in the midst of shanking due to Sweeny Todd's antics - one knock = all girls smackdown to floor...hilarious-, witnessing Tung's rant on the Thetas about hiding his Wii.. i.e. Thing v. Roaches, singing the lyrics of "A Whole New World" for those brave enough to publicly sing a song they can't remember the words to, combining laser tag with PUMP in a furious rampage, and finishing it off with a competition of crab-legs and Rock Band. I almost wished it didn't end, but then again, Kaylyn & I could always hit it up next year. Dance? Karaoke? Oh yeah...

As if State was action-packed in itself, Prom ensued surely. Sure I was reluctant to it at first, but no regrets now. I may have had some troubles, arguments, disputes, and incompetence face at me, but in the end, I had fun. It was nice to see everyone getting together dressed up nicely to celebrate one of our final random flings. It was crazy posing for 10,15 cameras like a celebrity. Good thing they just got me at a good time. The vest was pimpin. I wanted to keep it. Those shoes were murder, however. You girls (& Cory) must've suffered in the heels. Midnight madness at IHOP? Yes please! Prom was truly something. It has to be outdone, though, with our senior skip day & vacation trip before everyone moves. I hope everyone distancing this summer won't change anything, at least not for the worse. Things can only get better right?

Now onto my new job, or rather, my first ever job. I'm really excited for that. It's probably bad that I still don't know when I'm going to work or for how much. Fuck. I hope I like the job. I don't want to just be forced to quit after a few days; I'm not Sadie. Isn't there a job where you can just sit there and get paid for doing nothing? Oh, right, prostitution. Never mind.

I still haven't felt this "personal freedom" yet. I'm told once I get this job, start paying my own bills, and depend on no one, it'll feel amazing. Ultimate high. I'm excited. I just wish I wasn't faced with so many choices, decisions that will affect the rest of my life. That's scary. If part of growing up gives you these opportunities, then why does it feel like chores?

Confliction rears its ugly head. Actions have consequences. The past is...gone. Can I get it back? Come on, one more try..do-over!

-hp

ps..I know the first 21 digits of pi! So nerdy, yet I feel accomplished for it. 3.14159265358979323846! Booyah! I'm in the process of memorizing e. All I have so far is the first 10 places..2.718281828...to be continued...