wishing you a merry..well just wishing you an xmas

It's that time of year again, when the stockings are hung, jolly tunes are sung, and joy is infectious. But is it? This year, it seems so humbug to me. I'm not in that united Christmas spirit, I just feel like it's another day, one I'm not bored in class or stuck at work.

With all the religious aspects of it, I find myself turning away from it. Timothy's mom sent me a card with cash in it, but when I read the contents, I just put the money back in and sealed the envelope. The money's tainted now. Why push your beliefs on me? How disrespectful is that? I'm not lost, or confused. I just choose not to follow any certain religion. Not to say I don't believe in anything, I just don't practice. Who is to say your idea is the right one anyway? Okay, getting off topic here.

I must be Scrooge. I need a few ghosts to come and show me what I'm lacking, why my heart isn't filled with warmth this year. But come to think, I can recall an unfulfilled promise I made earlier, one that tears me up inside. I'm sorry, you. I failed.

twinkle

This is weird, but you know those people whose eyes just express any emotion they have? I love that. It tells so much without words spoken.

I also like people who have a great smile, a genuine one, not a fake shallow one.

So yeah, that's my random quirk of the day.

i'm over it, no, really, it's done with.

Finals, both a blessing and torture. I hope everyone is studying more than me, that being waiting until the night before to pretty much crack the book, sacrificing sleep and sanity.

just tap 3 times

May ngay nay toi da thay may nguoi vong day dang...ngu thiet. Tai sao toi muon quan he voi dam nay? Boi vi toi khong duoc gap clique viet? Trach nhu vay. May chuyen nay toi ghet thiet. Di theo vong may nguoi nay lam tao ghet no.

I think I miss how it used to be, but do I really? Ngay xua khi cho nay chi la cho toi thoi.

All this bad stuff keeps happening. Not really to me, yet I take it so personal. I don't even have a hand in it, but I'm investing alot of attention into it.

I miss her. Only today when watching the presedential address about the pull from the Middle East did it really hit me. She's really there, serving her country. As much as she hates it, I really respect her, that's a noble thing. Will I do anything to benefit my country?

Am I thankful for anything for anything this year? I'm thankful for..the kindness of strangers. And not even to me. I was reading this news article about a woman who accidently called the wrong number, thinking she reached her daughter, telling her that she sent her daughter money for food even though that meant missing a mortgage payment. The stranger was touched by it, called that mother back, and said she would pay for the mortgage and her daughter's groceries. I mean I guess that might not seem so significant, but it makes me put faith in humanity. I hope I can help someone like that someday.

I've been reading more lately. Losing myself in a fictional world. What am I hoping to do? Hide from my real world problems of course. Damn stories, it's as easy as that eh?

Speaking of eh, I just found out my professor is Canadian. I told him that explains so much jokingly, and he responded with "Doesn't it, -eh-?" Totally my humor. It sucks I'm only getting to know this at the end of the semester. Goddamn am I ready to be done with this semester, though I doubt next will be any better. Harder classes, different classes, fuck.

Yeah, back to then. That'd be nice. Toi mong tro lai ngay xua.

la dee da

I'm at work now, but I'd rather write a post than actually do what I'm paid for. I actually haven't really invested much effort into anything lately, I'm do apathetic about everything, which I know will bring really bad consequences.

I guess one thing I've been keeping up with is music, though I guess that's just a hobby. I keep listening to ballads lately. Alot of Vietnamese songs are actually about sadness, so I wonder what that says about our culture. The pain of emotions, to put in lyrics and convey it is something special.

Okay: the future. What am I going to do tomorrow? Next month? Next year? I keep thinking about where my life is going, and what I can do at this point in time. But all I'm thinking about now is going home & taking a nap. Typical.

well, on the other hand

Halloween is done, & I've seen some pretty comical costumes. I didn't dress up as anything, but now I kinda wish I had.

This has got me thinking. Villains. We all hate villains, right? With every hero comes a villain who's only objective seems to bring the downfall of the cherished do-gooder.

If I had to pick, I think I'd rather be the bad guy. People like to like the good guys, but they love to hate the bad guys. It draws you in, wondering what a villain will do next.

Anyway, I'm just at working, not working as usual. That's evil, right?

still around

Ya know, in person, I'd have alot to say. On paper, on screen, not so much. Writing just isn't my forte.

..≠..

If everyone is destined for something, everyone has a passion in life, well..what's mine? What am I destined for? What am I meant to be, to do?

So I'm sitting in this meeting for a club I'm not even in, & they start talking. They seem really engaged in what they do, talking about graduate school, and what kind of future it'll provide for them. So then I think about it, and how that relates to me. Am I passionate in what I do? Do I strive to excel in it? Do I know where it'll take me?

No. Nothing. Zip.

Math..I don't hate hate it. I can tolerate it. On a certain level I do like it. But I've reached my peak. I find myself not being able to put my heart in it. And I can't make a life of something I don't -want- to be doing. Where's there to go in math anyway? Standing in front of a chalkboard doing math problems? No.

My sister keeps telling me to do engineering, & the benefits are favorable. There's just enough math, but not -only- math. They make BANK. There's lots of opportunites out there for an engineer, the career fair had loads of companies looking for engineers. So the cons..I don't have one. Not one! The only thing I can think of is the building's far, and that's a shitty excuse. So why isn't it appealing me?! Oh yeah, it's alot of hard work, more work I'm afraid I won't be able to commit to.

I'll give math a last ride, talk to advisors, see if my opinion for it changes. But the thought of chalk in my hands for a living, that's just not me.

i love part deux

~Google map's 3d feature thing
~engadget
~post its
~huli
~eating while watching food network
~that someone actually made a bronze statue of the shoe that was thrown at Bush
~bejeweled
~google translate

~5 gum commercials
~jansport booksacks, they know their shit
~Lucy. Anytime of day, I'll always be in the mood to watch that show

~yawning & stretching..it feels amazingggg

~karma..ahh nothing like getting your just desserts

~"stuff asian people like"
~oscar going beserk of a dog on tv
~that 70s show..the mom, hilarious

~the internet...3 things i check everyday: fb, porn, & wikipedia (oh yeah, i love wikipedia as well)
~Dat Phan..damn him, he's funny
~reggaeton.. -that- is the jam

~cramster.com
~dice-shaped beads
~hammocks

~ordering eggs over-easy..it's not even my favorite form of egg, but it's fun being the difficult one

~converse shoes, as bad arch support they are
~meat..yes, i know, that's what she said.
~225 magazine
~youtube hd
~hot chocolate on a cold day

~ratemyprof
~Nefarious purposes
~orange soda..not as close as Kel, though
~Peter’s endless fight with the chicken
~Merely clicking “L” for Louisiana
~fml..makes me feel better about my own
~Microsoft onenote
~phallic symbols
~Anthony Bourdain & Andrew Zimmern..for different aspects, though.
~Velcro
~the microwave ~“A Modest Proposal”
~Playing the drum with my hands
~Cheez-its

playing ketchup

Wow, it's been a month since I wrote anything. Damn it seems long when I think about it, yet it feels like yesterday.

What have I been doing all summer? Hmm let's see..work. Can I think of anything else? Oh! Wonder Girls. I totally met Yoobin and my shoulder grazed her boob in the photo we took. Ahh that's a memory to treasure.

Anyway, school's back in which is rather refreshing, but my mindset is still in July, so I really need to bone up on calc and such. I'm not so fond of the extra traffic, long lines, and..swine flu. I actually know someone who has it, possibly two. How scary is that? When reality hits ya, it packs a punch. I hope they'll be fine though..

How come I never have anything insightful to write about? Though when I was watching a drama, I started thinking about what makes a good villain. I mean, anybody can play Johnny Goodman, but it takes work to be evil, to make everyone want to hate you. If I'm ever in a movie, I'd totally play the villain, being the hero is so vanilla.

Yeah, that wasn't insightful either, but fuck it.

hmm, queer

So I was standing in line at the movies yesterday, and these teenage boys in line to the left & right of me apparently know one other and are making fun of each other back and forth. I can't help but overhear of course so I just pretend not to be paying attention. Then one of the guys taps me and says "Hey, you see that guy over there? He's too much of a pussy to stand next to that fine girl." The guy that was directed to replied to that and said to me "Well him, he's a faggot. I mean it's cool that you're gay, but he's a total cocksucker."

...wow, is it really so obvious? I'm not offended or anything, I was just taken aback from their (dead on) assumption. It was an awkward moment.

But then, it was kind of interesting how they didn't mind if I was or wasn't. I mean it's not like I wear it on my sleeves, but I wouldn't tell someone I was straight (anymore). I suppose living in the south, I expect the general population to not be so amenable.

So yea..that's the highlight of my day

Giả Vờ Yêu

Đêm chia ly, mưa buồn rơi héo hắt
Bước chân anh trên đường khuya hoang vắng
Bao yêu thương nơi này ta đã có
Chính nơi đây chúng ta xa rời nhau

Khi yêu nhau bây giờ anh mới biết
Trái tim em không còn như lúc trước
Sau đêm nay hai đường hai lối bước
Đường đi mới sẽ vắng bóng em bên đời anh

Lần cuối ta nắm tay nhau thì hãy nói hết đi em
Những năm tháng yêu nhau giả vờ
Mình cứ cố gắng bên nhau hạnh phúc vun đắp ai kia
Lối đi đến nơi nào cho chúng ta
Đành thế thôi cứ chia tay dù biết sẽ tốt cho nhau
Bước cứ bước em về với người
Lòng vẫn không nói nên câu rằng trái tim vẫn yêu em
Chẳng thể sống bên người như lúc xưa...

(an)other

Why must I share? There's already enough I have to put up with. This is mine. It makes me stick out, makes it about me. Pick anything, anything but this..

yeah, this is crazy

As of 6/13/2009 12:02:53 AM EDT
I am 19 years old, which is 231 months old, which is 1,004 weeks old, which is 7,034 days old, which is 168,816 hours old, which is 10,128,962 minutes old, which is 607,737,773 seconds old. In other words, I'm old...

why is incompetency contagious?

Swine flu? Psht, it seems like incompetency is spreading like wildfire. Is it too much to ask for someone to do what they're supposed to do in a timely manner? If it is, then we're fucked.

HARRISON'S INFERNO

My spin on Dante's classic:

*:extra hell for you

Facebook

• people who update their status every 5 minutes (I don't care that you're eating spaghettios and are about to go to work)
• people who become a fan of everything imaginable
• people who forward or suggest random shit
• people who upload pictures of the most insignificant stuff*
• people who quote the bible

Hypocrites

• liars
• bad liars
• adulterers*
• people who say one thing, but do another
• immoral people*
• people who don't keep their word*
• traitors (Dante got that one right)
• people hating something they don't know
• people who don't stand up for themselves yet expect it to be done
• people who never give but always receive*

Bad Drivers

• senior citizen drivers*
• slow drivers
• reckless drivers
• drivers who don't let you merge
• people who own dilapidated cars with nice rims
• drivers with the music loud and the window down just so everyone can hear it too
• drunk drivers
• jaywalkers

Irresponsible, Immature, Ignorant People

• parents who bring their children to adult places*
• loud children
• children in general
• racists...to asians, anyway
• asians who hate soy sauce
• people ignorant, ashamed, or indifferent to their heritage and culture
• viet parents who don't speak to their children in viet
• viet parents who don't name their children consistently (no, you can't have all the children with viet names but one)
• people who think cursing is oh-so terrible*
• people who burst into song randomly
• close minded people
• flakes*
• people who don't acknowledge the past
• people who never try new things
• people who don't say goodbye
• people who wrap everything in religion
• people who push religion on me*
• PEOPLE WHO CANNOT HANDLE ONE SINGLE TASK
• people who judge a book by its cover
• people who deny the obvious
• people who doodle on tests
• people who don't do what their supposed to do
• people who put everything off until the last possible minute
• people who have their priorities explicitly not together
  
• people who don't take responsibility for their actions
• people who don't have an opinion, but just follows the herd

Bad teachers

• professors that BUTCHER names (dan-TEE), terms (velacity)
• teachers who just don't give a damn
• graduate student professors*
• teachers that don't teach
• teachers that can't teach*

People I Hate

• know-it-alls
• people who always lecture me*
• people who scoff at me for being a math major
• attention whores
• people who wear socks and slippers
• people who have an iphone, an ipod, & a mac
• people who go to ryan street high
• the "what-if" people*
• people who write checks at stores and make people in line behind them wait forever*
• the vain & conceited
• people who think a B is literally the end of the world as we know it
  
• people who never face reality
• people who order me around (Hell. No.)*
• braggers
• PEOPLE WHO WRITE CHECKS WHEN 5BILLION PEOPLE ARE WAITING IN LINE
  
• people who love that small, crappy lake town
• people who always go on the offense to everything i say*
• a few of those lsmsa kids
• people who think i'm weird just because i'm allergic to peanuts
• people who say new orlEEEns, nawlins & baton rouJe
• people who correct me!*

Yeah these are probably bad circles. They're not even in order or anything. Is that nine circles yet? Damn, just 6. Oh well, 6 is a Hellish number so there.

I just wrote this randomly since I stepped on the book earlier today & it came into mind. I'll probably keep updating this as it comes to mind.

~Divina Commedia~

fresh out

Whew, finals: done. That about wraps up my last days of this school year, and in a way, I'm sad to see it go. I've had lots of new experiences, met lots of new people, learned lots of new things, SAW SNOW.

One major thing about college: traveling. "What are you doing this summer?" "Oh I'm taking a tour around Europe, I'm going to Australia, I'm studying abroad in China...You?" "I'm...staying..and working." I don't even plan on leaving the state. Damn damn damn..

Finals I am glad to see go though. They were totally ass-raping, and not enjoyable in the least. Yeah I didn't study nearly enough, but apathy takes over at 3 in the morning when you're on the fourth floor of the library on your second mochasippi remembering the dates and significance of each Crusade.


Freshman year is I suppose officially over. It was fun, I liked it. But hey, if this year was enjoyable, let's hope it only gets better.

get right

So I've been told my expectations of those around me are set too high, for high expectations will only lead to disappointment. Though at first I pondered that it may be true of me, but then I had a thought. I only expect from those, what I myself am capable and more than willing to do. So why is it too much to expect this of them? Why can't I get in return what I so well give? Is it so hard to find someone dependable?

It's really just too exhausting to put up with. I'm disappointed. But I won't be spiteful now and throw it back, or else I'd be shafted down on that level as well, & then how can I morally put up with that?

Look, it's not like I mean to be a jerk, pick fights, or make anyone mad & hate me. I only act in a manner I feel most protective to me. If I do something that bothers you, I'm sorry. Really. I'm told I should check myself, but who would I be, if I didn't act in a way that's purely..me?

Let's call this a learned lesson & move on. Because I'm tired of being mad..

The ID(iot)

My mind is always torn between spite & compassion. So far, spite's in the lead. I know it sounds bad, that one would be no better to exact revenge on another for the mere fact it would "stoop down to their level," but I really really want to! Fuck.

dilemma

I noticed. I saw that look. I saw the seperation. I wished I wouldn't have, but it was just too seemingly obvious. It makes me feel like shit. What can I do to help it? Wait, never mind. I DO know, I'm just not willing to make the effort. I just want to tuck myself in the corner and hide, hoping no one notices.
I hate this. I hate me.

The security blanket: I can't stand it, but what would I do without it? It's shielding me, protecting me from what life really has to offer. But soon, that'll change, won't it? I'll have to face reality & all its not so glamorous details. How does it feel? To be on your own? Do I really want to know?
I'm thankful though, I am.

hey

Man it feels like an eternity since I've written anything. It's not that I haven't had the time, I just have had other things in mind, shuffling priorities around.

School has been..school. Some days are fine & I'm like "wow, today's a really good day." And then there are those "ugh, I can't wait to get home & pretend that didn't just happen."

I'm always on a deadline. I hate that. "Yay it's Friday. Wait, essay due Monday. Fuck shit damn." It never lets me relax. I'm not sure I even do anymore.

I'm conflicted on whether to transfer or not. Initially, after two years of LSU, it's onto UH. Now, I'm not so sure. It's not bad here. Comfortable. But if I don't do this, will I ever leave? It's weird how I'm plannin my future semesters at a time.

Yeah. This is random & crappy. Sorry.

stop

I'm really tired of this. Why must I always be shoved into the spotlight? God, I'm not even there, and my name can't stay out your mouths. If I've done nothing wrong, why treat me so?

I'm always finding myself having to defend me, my morals, my actions. Why question me? Do I question you? Why is it always a test? An interrogation? If this is what it's supposed to be like, I'd rather off being without. It's always "Harrison vs. etc". As many people that maybe be on the other side, my corner is always empty, no one at my back.

Now, I may not like to constantly stand up for myself, but I'll do it to the death. I will never let anyone have the upper hand. And there's no one to stop me. Go ahead. Try. You won't be the first, or the last, so just fall through the cracks.

Is it really something to ponder on why I don't go back more often? It is no home of mine. When I left, I didn't look back.

..I could use a kind word once in a while, you know..

[Oh yeah, thanks for making me feel like crap right before my birthday. Thoughtful present.]

midterms. not fun.

Whew, finally done. I don't think I've ever studied so hard. Not even ACT or SAT. Usually when weariness creeps in, apathy tags along.

Of course it was put off until last minute..which in hindsight was not the wisest decision. But luckily, groups sessions actually prove productive (except for yours Kaylyn, entertaining as they may be!). Though we did often veer off-topic with random conversations, (jew-fros, a tortuous lecture, food, keying cars), a group effort works better.

Only late into the night did I look around and notice: I'm the only one in this that's not white. The whole class, vanilla. I wonder if anyone else's noticed...I don't feel uncomfortable or out of place though. If anything, I feel..unique?

I only got about an hour of sleep last night. Got back from the library at 2:30am, studied more until 4:30, took a nap, then woke up at 6 & studied some more. Joy.

There's this girl in my class who wrote a 20 page review on all her notes, & was gracious enough to send a copy to everyone in the class. I'm really thankful and all, but damn..do you have a life?

Delirious on coffee, coke, & cookies, I went to make an attempt of passing my midterm. Some things went pretty smoothly, some..not. Time flies when you're..getting mind-raped.

OH FUCK YES. I TOTALLY ACED THAT BITCH.

"..It was the best of times.."

"it was the -weirdest- of times.."

Today has certainly been an -interesting- day, filled with surprises, odd events, & hilarious work moments.

Waking up to start the day off was brutal. I might as well have slept in until work. It figures that like, half of the student body skipped to start off their Fatty Tuesday festivities.

In Med Civ we talked about Vikings & their crazy antics, fiefs and their homosexual subtext relationship. Then in seminar, I show up late to be greeted with free doughnuts. & while we're in pairs chronologically setting up the Bayeux Tapestry, the pair next to me accuses me of cheating. So I respond "don't make me pillage your village! & key your car!"

Upon arriving to Chinese, I see a canceled class slip on the door. I'm about to jump for joy when I read it & find out it's not my class getting canceled. Fuck. I walk in, & the desks are oddly arranged in a circle. Everyone, rather than fixing the desks, merely sit down around the circle. That's the lazy spirit. Unfortunately, the professor stood in the middle..coming close & standing in front of mine for the majority of the time. Joy.

Work...wow. My boss took off today so we were all generally just goofing off, talking, not doing anything productive. We discussed everything in the spectrum: me cursing my coworker out in Chinese, old people mistaking drunk for high & calling a baby cute, but colored, & of course Arlene & the infamous crackhead moment. Then the receptionist asks me to stay late when everyone is gone to man the phone lines. I was in the middle of a "fuck no" when she says I'll be paid double for it. "Fuck yeah." No one is -supposed- to be cutting work early, but the president & the rest of the board is skipping Monday to go golfing (the most predictable white thing to do) so the rest of the staff sure as hell is as well.

I ran errands today. On a certain errand, I look up the directory on which room to deliver a letter to, & when I get there & open the door, what do I see but a damn cleaning supply closet. Real fucking funny. On the way out of the building, the automatic sliding door kept freaking out on me, not letting me exit. I was kind of hesitant to open the emergency door as I have had -previous- experiences with that (TRANG!).

Now midterms are creeping up. Right after Mardi Gras week, bam.

Lots more really funny things happened, but I'm too lazy to write it down. Ask me sometime. Today is something that is highly remarkable, one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. God, if today was something, I am damn glad I won't be in the state for MG.

...

I took a nap today. But it was far from pleasent. A nightmare reared its ugly head into my mind. I had died. And yet I could still see everyone, as a ghost I suppose. And everything was..normal. Nothing had changed. So when I woke up and found out it was nothing but a dream, the feeling of worry and fear still filled my mind. What if I die tomorrow? And worse, what if no one cares?

wtf

Really now, is incompetence contagious? Fuck shit damn.

merry -crap-mas!

Me & my sticky fingers! I got:

• 1 beanie
• 2 cups
• 1 string of beads
• 2 water bottles
• 1 ruler
• 2 pocket calculators
• 1 powder brush
• 10 stress relievers
• 1..rain..tracker
• 3 yoyos
• 1 mini office supply kit
• 2 tee shirts, one corn-shaped
• 1 portable caddy
• 3 tote bags, filled
• 1 dancing robot
• 7 cup warmers
• 1 lanyard
• 2 Frisbees
• 1 headphone speakers
• 7 post-it pads
• 1 business card holder
• 2 headphones
• 1 mouse pad
• 6 notepads
• 1 pack of screwdrivers
• 3 decks of cards
• 1 cookie with a logo on it
• 2 light up bouncy balls
• 1 pin
• 10 highlighters
• 1 meat thermometer
• 2 mini 1st aid kits
• 1 cd cleaner
• 2 whistles
• 1 tape measure
• 12 key chains
• 1 staple remover
• 3 flashlights
• 1 tin of mints
• 3 suitcase tags
• 1 glasses cloth
• 2 letter openers
• 1 paper clip holder
• 2 magnets
• 1.. I don’t know, but it feels slimy
• 1 flash drive…only one! :(
• LOTS & LOTS of candy
• 1 logo imprinted cookie
• At least 50 pens of all sizes, shapes, colors, & designs
• 1 back pack strap
• 1..rubber chicken

Not a bad haul, but next time is going to be even –more-.

now's the time

In recent days, I've had numerous..debatable discussions about topics all across the board: life, the future, religion, politics, academia, & such in the most random of places & times: at work, in class, out, online.. It seems everyone has something different to say everytime, & that's interesting. I feel more enlightened (& college-y) talking about my views on so-and-so & hearing their input. Sometimes I feel outshadowed by them, feeling naive & unaware of the world I'm in.

I feel so unaccomplished already at age 18. Those around me already seem to have done so much, experience various feats, been all over the world. My peers tell me there's plenty of time to experience, to change my life to how I want it to be. I hope I'm not too late..

I spent too much of last semester turning to the past, trying to hold on. This year, it isn't so. I'm looking forward with high hopes. Experience new things, meet new people, go to new places..be a new me.

things i think of in the course of a day

~food
~homework
~the past
~the future
~sex
~happiness
~exercise
~friends
~sleep
~Oscar & Vienna
~boredom
~facebook
~class
~music
~leaving
~love
There's more, but this is all that presently comes to mind. There's three of these I think about most..which?

"can we bring yesterday back around?"

I always compare my life to song lyrics. It feels more significant, meaningful that way. Does that sound stupid? Probably.

filling in the void

My computer says 2009 in bold black letters…it's odd. Wow, another year already? Everything is moving so fast.

A few resolutions to accomplish:
New friends. Now it's the Baton Rouge chapter of my life, I can’t keep looking to the past. That in no way means anyone is getting sacrificed, but there’s always room for more, right?
Less drama. If someone gets on my nerves, I’ll just wish them a painful death & be on my merry way.
Be…nicer? Or rather more accepting, watch my sharp tongue.
Lose weight. Cut back on things that are –obviously- bad for me. No, cokes aren't getting sacrificed, but I’ll cut it back, especially after a Johnny Carino's employee publicly blasts me.
Find someone? I'm lonely. I want someone’s shoulder to lean on, content in the moment.

..yea.

--

I had to say goodbye to a really close friend today. It hurt. My eyes are watering as I write this. I don't look forward saying it to the rest.