"You see the way I have been drifting down a river to nowhere."
Stop telling me that. I know there are much more worse off. I understand, but this is all I know; why demean that?
Monday, April 14, 2008
....unrequited? think again...
Another day to "X" out on the calendar..Rip the month off, it's all over now.
You're so real. You must be. And yet, to describe you would leave me speechless. I dream of you every night, fantasize everyday. The only thing actually keeping me 제정신. The other side of the valley. The farther I reach, the longer the stretch. Don't hide; actually, go ahead. Try. I'll find you. No matter how far, how long, you can't hide.
But then let's hit more towards home. I crave....logically it just wouldn't work out. That's why I say nothing. I keep to myself. I sit and stare. Staring never hurt anyone right? Wrong. It only drags me in. Am I jealous? You have no идея. Sure it could be nothing, just a fluke. But I don't want it to be. It was influence, I'll admit. Luxure? I would have never figured. It'll never happen. Merely, khao khát. Just once, & I'll put it past me forever. I hide. I shroud it in 闲置交谈..what happened to direct confrontation? Comprehending is pointless, so much to scoprire.
I'll never tell. My own regret. I've tried. Too obvious? It's possible. Who else? Just one, one too many.
You'd never understand. But then that's オーケー, because you have a lifetime to try.
You're so real. You must be. And yet, to describe you would leave me speechless. I dream of you every night, fantasize everyday. The only thing actually keeping me 제정신. The other side of the valley. The farther I reach, the longer the stretch. Don't hide; actually, go ahead. Try. I'll find you. No matter how far, how long, you can't hide.
But then let's hit more towards home. I crave....logically it just wouldn't work out. That's why I say nothing. I keep to myself. I sit and stare. Staring never hurt anyone right? Wrong. It only drags me in. Am I jealous? You have no идея. Sure it could be nothing, just a fluke. But I don't want it to be. It was influence, I'll admit. Luxure? I would have never figured. It'll never happen. Merely, khao khát. Just once, & I'll put it past me forever. I hide. I shroud it in 闲置交谈..what happened to direct confrontation? Comprehending is pointless, so much to scoprire.
I'll never tell. My own regret. I've tried. Too obvious? It's possible. Who else? Just one, one too many.
You'd never understand. But then that's オーケー, because you have a lifetime to try.
Friday, April 11, 2008
i <3 apathy
I probably should be studying for the ACT right now instead of procrastinating with something not productive at all. Damn book cost me $30, you think that'd be enough of an incentive to read it, but what can you do?
I really just don't care anymore. "....& that ends the chapter...test on this material covered Friday." In Phan-lish that means "Blah blah I didn't teach shit but I'm still going to fuck you up with a bad grade unless you're Jewish." Quadrilles? Bitch please!
I seem to be dimming in all my classes lately...as much as I hate to say this it's not like me to do so. Why am I acting this way? It's not like slacking off means I get another chance to redeem myself. The end is near. I'm going to have to walk up there and get that fake diploma. I need more time. I need another chance. I do care. Really.
I really just don't care anymore. "....& that ends the chapter...test on this material covered Friday." In Phan-lish that means "Blah blah I didn't teach shit but I'm still going to fuck you up with a bad grade unless you're Jewish." Quadrilles? Bitch please!
I seem to be dimming in all my classes lately...as much as I hate to say this it's not like me to do so. Why am I acting this way? It's not like slacking off means I get another chance to redeem myself. The end is near. I'm going to have to walk up there and get that fake diploma. I need more time. I need another chance. I do care. Really.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
...at another glance...
So I watched that new movie 21...it was ok but the reason I bring it up is because they mentioned something I learned in Calculus...Newton's Method...It really felt good that I understood it...
It's just like walking in a bookstore, and you see a book you've read before. I don't know how to explain it, but knowing that you have some bond with that certain book brings about /pride/ or such
do u need help? aid? someone to talk to? don't hesitate. embrace this call. trust in me.
It's just like walking in a bookstore, and you see a book you've read before. I don't know how to explain it, but knowing that you have some bond with that certain book brings about /pride/ or such
do u need help? aid? someone to talk to? don't hesitate. embrace this call. trust in me.
moving 2 fast! (stop sign?)
Well this past week has just flown right by under our noses. I blink and half a month is out the window. Didn't it just turn 2008? Too old! Quá Già!
Math Club State Convention was fun. A nice break from the hectic trouble I have to deal with everyday in Lake Crapples. Sure I didn't really win anything, but that's ok....well it'd be a lie if I wasn't envious of my fellows all placing in something or another...hohum... I'm really glad I got to know some of the other Math Club members better. Chelsea cracks me up endlessly, it's a shame it took until now to get to know her better. I'm also glad I gave Melissa another chance. I can admit when I'm wrong, she's not a roach. I wish I took more pictures, not for the next scrapbook (FUCK THAT!) but just to mark more fun, memorable times with my friends before I embark on a new passage of life. Maybe this will document my memory of last minute scrapbook creation in between burger bites at Southside Bakery, blasting other school's scrapbooks with Chelsea -LOUDLY- before she chose to scurry under the table to work on the poster design, kicking a retarded cubic piece of furniture (FUCKING CUBE!) which has NO purpose except for taking space, eating midnight Cane's/sushi in the midst of shanking due to Sweeny Todd's antics - one knock = all girls smackdown to floor...hilarious-, witnessing Tung's rant on the Thetas about hiding his Wii.. i.e. Thing v. Roaches, singing the lyrics of "A Whole New World" for those brave enough to publicly sing a song they can't remember the words to, combining laser tag with PUMP in a furious rampage, and finishing it off with a competition of crab-legs and Rock Band. I almost wished it didn't end, but then again, Kaylyn & I could always hit it up next year. Dance? Karaoke? Oh yeah...
As if State was action-packed in itself, Prom ensued surely. Sure I was reluctant to it at first, but no regrets now. I may have had some troubles, arguments, disputes, and incompetence face at me, but in the end, I had fun. It was nice to see everyone getting together dressed up nicely to celebrate one of our final random flings. It was crazy posing for 10,15 cameras like a celebrity. Good thing they just got me at a good time. The vest was pimpin. I wanted to keep it. Those shoes were murder, however. You girls (& Cory) must've suffered in the heels. Midnight madness at IHOP? Yes please! Prom was truly something. It has to be outdone, though, with our senior skip day & vacation trip before everyone moves. I hope everyone distancing this summer won't change anything, at least not for the worse. Things can only get better right?
Now onto my new job, or rather, my first ever job. I'm really excited for that. It's probably bad that I still don't know when I'm going to work or for how much. Fuck. I hope I like the job. I don't want to just be forced to quit after a few days; I'm not Sadie. Isn't there a job where you can just sit there and get paid for doing nothing? Oh, right, prostitution. Never mind.
I still haven't felt this "personal freedom" yet. I'm told once I get this job, start paying my own bills, and depend on no one, it'll feel amazing. Ultimate high. I'm excited. I just wish I wasn't faced with so many choices, decisions that will affect the rest of my life. That's scary. If part of growing up gives you these opportunities, then why does it feel like chores?
Confliction rears its ugly head. Actions have consequences. The past is...gone. Can I get it back? Come on, one more try..do-over!
-hp
ps..I know the first 21 digits of pi! So nerdy, yet I feel accomplished for it. 3.14159265358979323846! Booyah! I'm in the process of memorizing e. All I have so far is the first 10 places..2.718281828...to be continued...
Math Club State Convention was fun. A nice break from the hectic trouble I have to deal with everyday in Lake Crapples. Sure I didn't really win anything, but that's ok....well it'd be a lie if I wasn't envious of my fellows all placing in something or another...hohum... I'm really glad I got to know some of the other Math Club members better. Chelsea cracks me up endlessly, it's a shame it took until now to get to know her better. I'm also glad I gave Melissa another chance. I can admit when I'm wrong, she's not a roach. I wish I took more pictures, not for the next scrapbook (FUCK THAT!) but just to mark more fun, memorable times with my friends before I embark on a new passage of life. Maybe this will document my memory of last minute scrapbook creation in between burger bites at Southside Bakery, blasting other school's scrapbooks with Chelsea -LOUDLY- before she chose to scurry under the table to work on the poster design, kicking a retarded cubic piece of furniture (FUCKING CUBE!) which has NO purpose except for taking space, eating midnight Cane's/sushi in the midst of shanking due to Sweeny Todd's antics - one knock = all girls smackdown to floor...hilarious-, witnessing Tung's rant on the Thetas about hiding his Wii.. i.e. Thing v. Roaches, singing the lyrics of "A Whole New World" for those brave enough to publicly sing a song they can't remember the words to, combining laser tag with PUMP in a furious rampage, and finishing it off with a competition of crab-legs and Rock Band. I almost wished it didn't end, but then again, Kaylyn & I could always hit it up next year. Dance? Karaoke? Oh yeah...
As if State was action-packed in itself, Prom ensued surely. Sure I was reluctant to it at first, but no regrets now. I may have had some troubles, arguments, disputes, and incompetence face at me, but in the end, I had fun. It was nice to see everyone getting together dressed up nicely to celebrate one of our final random flings. It was crazy posing for 10,15 cameras like a celebrity. Good thing they just got me at a good time. The vest was pimpin. I wanted to keep it. Those shoes were murder, however. You girls (& Cory) must've suffered in the heels. Midnight madness at IHOP? Yes please! Prom was truly something. It has to be outdone, though, with our senior skip day & vacation trip before everyone moves. I hope everyone distancing this summer won't change anything, at least not for the worse. Things can only get better right?
Now onto my new job, or rather, my first ever job. I'm really excited for that. It's probably bad that I still don't know when I'm going to work or for how much. Fuck. I hope I like the job. I don't want to just be forced to quit after a few days; I'm not Sadie. Isn't there a job where you can just sit there and get paid for doing nothing? Oh, right, prostitution. Never mind.
I still haven't felt this "personal freedom" yet. I'm told once I get this job, start paying my own bills, and depend on no one, it'll feel amazing. Ultimate high. I'm excited. I just wish I wasn't faced with so many choices, decisions that will affect the rest of my life. That's scary. If part of growing up gives you these opportunities, then why does it feel like chores?
Confliction rears its ugly head. Actions have consequences. The past is...gone. Can I get it back? Come on, one more try..do-over!
-hp
ps..I know the first 21 digits of pi! So nerdy, yet I feel accomplished for it. 3.14159265358979323846! Booyah! I'm in the process of memorizing e. All I have so far is the first 10 places..2.718281828...to be continued...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
(sigh)
So much drama escalating in these recent days... Here closes out spring break, and it has been filled with...so much...problems...so much....trouble..
I figured Spring Break would be a nice relaxation from my usual hectic life filled with craziness and nuisances. I could just rest adaquetely and do what needs to be done. Who knew things would turn out the way they did? One problem after another presents itself. Within the group drama reveals its ugly nature. After the whole dilemma with Thao I didn't figure this would happen again. One friend with a conflict to another, and I have to put things in perspective. I don't know what to say at times, I'm stumped. I only hope they'll put aside their differences and get along for this is nothing to throw away a friendship for.
Then there is my own discord with a certain person trying to invade upon our circle. I'm not exactly sure why I respond the way I do, yet here I am. I suppose I feel threatened by this, but if things are truly fine, I have nothing to worry about. I could come off as brash and rude, but it I have my reasons. I just am not quite fond of the bickering and baby-attitude. Don't look to us for a mother. I have enough trouble with my own, this issue isn't needed. And speaking through someone else is a bitch move. You're not that bad, but don't push it. I can and will handle this shit if I feel the need to.
Words don't seem to be enough at times. Actions speak louder? True, but what should I do? Break out the pizza slicer?
Let's leave this entry on a good note... I got my car!!!! Yay me! I can go anywhere I want without having constrictions set on me. It still hasn't hit me, the shock I get to find out I'm growing up. I bet when it does it'll hit hard. The car isn't so bad. I'll get used to it after a while. Lots of things need to be done to it. Thank you Chị Hai, I do appreciate it. Please know I am grateful for you. I do love it. Sure it has its problems, but it's all mine. I'm still not satisfied yet though. I never will be. Merely one step after the other. There is this Acura I'm scoping out. Within 3-4 years, oh yeah..
-forever hp
ps...did you celebrate earth hour by turning off your lights? don't worry, me neither, though it is a nice thought.
I figured Spring Break would be a nice relaxation from my usual hectic life filled with craziness and nuisances. I could just rest adaquetely and do what needs to be done. Who knew things would turn out the way they did? One problem after another presents itself. Within the group drama reveals its ugly nature. After the whole dilemma with Thao I didn't figure this would happen again. One friend with a conflict to another, and I have to put things in perspective. I don't know what to say at times, I'm stumped. I only hope they'll put aside their differences and get along for this is nothing to throw away a friendship for.
Then there is my own discord with a certain person trying to invade upon our circle. I'm not exactly sure why I respond the way I do, yet here I am. I suppose I feel threatened by this, but if things are truly fine, I have nothing to worry about. I could come off as brash and rude, but it I have my reasons. I just am not quite fond of the bickering and baby-attitude. Don't look to us for a mother. I have enough trouble with my own, this issue isn't needed. And speaking through someone else is a bitch move. You're not that bad, but don't push it. I can and will handle this shit if I feel the need to.
Words don't seem to be enough at times. Actions speak louder? True, but what should I do? Break out the pizza slicer?
Let's leave this entry on a good note... I got my car!!!! Yay me! I can go anywhere I want without having constrictions set on me. It still hasn't hit me, the shock I get to find out I'm growing up. I bet when it does it'll hit hard. The car isn't so bad. I'll get used to it after a while. Lots of things need to be done to it. Thank you Chị Hai, I do appreciate it. Please know I am grateful for you. I do love it. Sure it has its problems, but it's all mine. I'm still not satisfied yet though. I never will be. Merely one step after the other. There is this Acura I'm scoping out. Within 3-4 years, oh yeah..
-forever hp
ps...did you celebrate earth hour by turning off your lights? don't worry, me neither, though it is a nice thought.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Pick It Up, Clock!!!
So here I am in front of my computer 1:42 AM, Sunday, March 23, 2008 waiting for something that has been eluded from my grasp for.....about 18 years....my own car....
I'm so excited!!!! OMG, the plan is to go to Baton Rouge Friday night and drive back to Lake Charles Saturday morning so my dad can go take a greyhound to Houston to f**k his gf...wutever...
The only damn thing I know about the car is that it's a white '99 Toyota 4runner. Why my sister would pay about 5 grand for a car she knows nothing about is beyond me...I just can't wait to get it though! Sure, I know what I initially said.."Nothing to expect, nothing to lose"...well to hell with that!! Countdown! 6 days that divide me from my joy in life....
I'm so excited!!!! OMG, the plan is to go to Baton Rouge Friday night and drive back to Lake Charles Saturday morning so my dad can go take a greyhound to Houston to f**k his gf...wutever...
The only damn thing I know about the car is that it's a white '99 Toyota 4runner. Why my sister would pay about 5 grand for a car she knows nothing about is beyond me...I just can't wait to get it though! Sure, I know what I initially said.."Nothing to expect, nothing to lose"...well to hell with that!! Countdown! 6 days that divide me from my joy in life....
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
here i come
So here I stand, (sit) eighteen years old preparing to attend class that I wish not to. Do I feel different? No. Nothing better, nothing worse. What have my accomplishments been? What will they be? I have no idea. I'm scared. Really. I have no idea what to do. But something must be done, I know that. Step by step I'll figure something out. I always do. If I fall, I'll still be able to get up. It may take some time, but slow and steady wins the race. Ok, off to class. More later.
-hp
-hp
Thursday, March 6, 2008
예이 한국어
이것은 필요 없어. 어떻게 내가 원하는 것인가? 다시 시도해 수 있습니까? 제발?
이 같은 학교가 최근에 나에게 흐리게합니다. 나는 걸어다니는 이와 같은 연무합니다. 나는가되고 싶다는 생각이 없다. 말해 줄래? 제발? 나는 휴식이 필요합니다. 시간에 일시 중지합니다. 마감일과 배설물도없이 진정으로 나를 괴롭히고합니다. 나는 내 삶의 희망을 멀리하려고 할 수면이 변경 사항은 아직 진행 아니합니다.
내 생일이 곧 제공될 예정, 제 18합니다. 나는 늙어가합니다. 사망률은 내 문을 두드리며합니다. 무엇을 할 수합니까? 영원히 살 싶지 않아요. 난 단지 내 인생을 살고 싶어 이행합니다. 나는이 구절은 18 년 후에 다시 얻을 일어나는 경우, 리포트에 어떤 변화가있다면 광산 평범한 생활을합니다.
lsu도 그리 나쁜 선택은? 나도 알아, 난 단지로 갈 수있다 tulane 으면 좋겠어요, 쌀, 또는 몇몇 좋은 대학에,하지만 루트의 모든 악을 때문에 (돈), 나는 참석을 위해 강제로 lsu합니다. 갈 수 있었으면 좋겠어요 캘리포니아, 뉴욕시, 또는 궁시렁합니다. 얼마 전 다시 시작하고 싶은 나땜에, 당신은 그저 모르는합니다. 아 글쎄, 이것은 주말마다 lsu 재미해야한다. 이겼나를 희망한다.
나는 음악을 사랑합니다. 내 말이 그 모든 시간 그러나, 그것은 너무나 진실합니다. 나는 놀라운 가수합니다. 그냥 세계의 나머지 부분을 설득시켜야 나는, 하하. 나는 내 베트남어에 대한 자세한 내용을 연습이 필요합니다. 나 자신을 관리의 측면에서 생각한다 나의 문화, 아직도 난 내 아이들에게 그들의 조상을 이해하는 좋은 날.
거기 있나? 어디로? 이리 나를 발견합니다. 이 장소에서 날을 저장합니다. 판타지 될거야, 행복합니다.
-hp
이 같은 학교가 최근에 나에게 흐리게합니다. 나는 걸어다니는 이와 같은 연무합니다. 나는가되고 싶다는 생각이 없다. 말해 줄래? 제발? 나는 휴식이 필요합니다. 시간에 일시 중지합니다. 마감일과 배설물도없이 진정으로 나를 괴롭히고합니다. 나는 내 삶의 희망을 멀리하려고 할 수면이 변경 사항은 아직 진행 아니합니다.
내 생일이 곧 제공될 예정, 제 18합니다. 나는 늙어가합니다. 사망률은 내 문을 두드리며합니다. 무엇을 할 수합니까? 영원히 살 싶지 않아요. 난 단지 내 인생을 살고 싶어 이행합니다. 나는이 구절은 18 년 후에 다시 얻을 일어나는 경우, 리포트에 어떤 변화가있다면 광산 평범한 생활을합니다.
lsu도 그리 나쁜 선택은? 나도 알아, 난 단지로 갈 수있다 tulane 으면 좋겠어요, 쌀, 또는 몇몇 좋은 대학에,하지만 루트의 모든 악을 때문에 (돈), 나는 참석을 위해 강제로 lsu합니다. 갈 수 있었으면 좋겠어요 캘리포니아, 뉴욕시, 또는 궁시렁합니다. 얼마 전 다시 시작하고 싶은 나땜에, 당신은 그저 모르는합니다. 아 글쎄, 이것은 주말마다 lsu 재미해야한다. 이겼나를 희망한다.
나는 음악을 사랑합니다. 내 말이 그 모든 시간 그러나, 그것은 너무나 진실합니다. 나는 놀라운 가수합니다. 그냥 세계의 나머지 부분을 설득시켜야 나는, 하하. 나는 내 베트남어에 대한 자세한 내용을 연습이 필요합니다. 나 자신을 관리의 측면에서 생각한다 나의 문화, 아직도 난 내 아이들에게 그들의 조상을 이해하는 좋은 날.
거기 있나? 어디로? 이리 나를 발견합니다. 이 장소에서 날을 저장합니다. 판타지 될거야, 행복합니다.
-hp
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