....just take a deep breath.......

What is there to say anymore? Situations present itself where pretending it's not happening just ain't gonna cut it. Action must be taken. Don't stand there and wait for it to blow over. Do something, anything. Tears? What the fuck does that help? This is what's real. The real world isn't all sunshine and flowers. Grow up. Pop that bubble that you're just so comfy hiding in. Better you handle it now before something happens where it's too tragic and devastating to brace for.

A lot can be said about my methods of action. I'm not even sure why I do what I do at times. I didn't see it coming. I really didn't. Surprise doesn't even describe it. What can I do? What is there to say? It's always left up to me to handle everything. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. How true.

Pourquoi n'ai-je pas s'attendre à cela? Juste une ventilation en cours d'élaboration. Il ne manque jamais de les décevoir. Je mets en tant de travail et le dévouement, et, en retour, un coup de poignard dans le dos, une gifle au visage. Comment pouvez-vous faire de ces hypothèses? Ce serait un mensonge de dire qu'il n'a pas mal. Et encore, je l'ai fait. Et je vais mettre sur mon visage courageux que je viens de l'amour de se cacher derrière. Si vous deviez vraiment arriver à me connaître, vous pouvez voir qu'il s'agissait d'un pathétique devant l'attention. Ok, je suis jaloux. Est-ce ce qui doit être dit? Semble. Mais qu'est-ce que vous soins? Jamais la peine de voir ce que je ressens. J'essaie, je consacrer. Shrug off ma tentative de manière froidement? Il s'agit là d'une erreur. Rien mais les utilisateurs. Cela ne peut pas être bon. Si j'ai besoin de dire quelque chose, à quoi ça sert? Il vous jamais changer, peu importe à quel point je Huff & Puff. Bite the Bullet? Vas te faire encule.

Go ahead, live in lala land. In time, all will be revealed. I stay quiet about so much, yet only so much can be held. I'm leaving anyways, what does it matter?

from shivering tundras to endless space

So I was watching this documentary on the Travel Channel ---which rocks by the way---and it was about wildlife in Alaskan wilderness. There was a very interesting segment on sea otters, in particular. They eat a third of their weight in seafood. They spend pretty much most of their life in the water. They float on their backs when they sleep, fearing that sometimes they'll awake miles away from their original place. To overcome this challenge, they wrap themselves in rooted seaweed as to not drift off afar. They use their bellies as a tray, smashing a clam open with a trusty rock to attain their prized possession. Their fur is immensely dense, warming them to temperatures that we in Louisiana could never imagine.

What sticks out to me about this is how different their climate is from ours. How could I survive in days where the sun would not emerge? Though seeing an aurora borealis would be nice, withstanding a winter hitting way below zero is enough to scare me anyways.

Humans adapt right? They find ways to survive around their surroundings. Making the Moon a home? Sounds crazy now, but from what the news report, in due time such dreams will transform into reality. It sounds amazing, something I would love to do. Could you imagine, the sky, an eternal gaze of unreachable stars. I suppose this is my passion, astronomy. Supernovas, galaxies, nebulas, it just fascinates me. It's romantic to say the least; drifting into the unknown with no expectations, just fantasies. We can't be the only ones. There must be others. You're out there. Somewhere.

...say goodbye...

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but as the sun sets, new colors emerge. In a year from now, maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said. At this point, I really can't see what there is I was wrong about. Go do what you want, but don't expect me to just sit back and accept it. You confide in me, and in return, I try to be a good, dependable friend----scratch that--I was a good friend. I suppose this was meant to happen, yet, it saddens me the way it escalated. Feel trapped? Can't breathe? Go far, and stretch your wings; if you fall I won't be there to catch you. I'm sure you'll find someone else. To clarify, you already have, haven't you. On to newer, better things and in return, trash what you already had? You'll learn soon enough. Karma is a bitch; trust someone with the experience.

Each and every end is always written in the stars. Fate, shall we dance? I'm moving on anyways. Within months this'll a be a blur anyhow. New friends, new challenges, new experiences. It's always been that way in my life. Making roots? Please. Within time mine are shifted to yet another unknown. It's not to say I don't want to keep touch with those I've grown to know and love. I want to come back to the 10-year high school reunion saying "How've you been in the last week since I've seen you?" I don't want to lose anything I've worked so hard to get in this town. However, I'm just fed up with this. How we end up is in the air, and whatever result is just that, your consequence.

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny. I'm tired of always biting the bullet. Why subject me so? I know better now. With experience comes wisdom. Learn from your mistake. I did, right from "Hello..."

putdown

"You see the way I have been drifting down a river to nowhere."

Stop telling me that. I know there are much more worse off. I understand, but this is all I know; why demean that?

....unrequited? think again...

Another day to "X" out on the calendar..Rip the month off, it's all over now.

You're so real. You must be. And yet, to describe you would leave me speechless. I dream of you every night, fantasize everyday. The only thing actually keeping me 제정신. The other side of the valley. The farther I reach, the longer the stretch. Don't hide; actually, go ahead. Try. I'll find you. No matter how far, how long, you can't hide.

But then let's hit more towards home. I crave....logically it just wouldn't work out. That's why I say nothing. I keep to myself. I sit and stare. Staring never hurt anyone right? Wrong. It only drags me in. Am I jealous? You have no идея. Sure it could be nothing, just a fluke. But I don't want it to be. It was influence, I'll admit. Luxure? I would have never figured. It'll never happen. Merely, khao khát. Just once, & I'll put it past me forever. I hide. I shroud it in 闲置交谈..what happened to direct confrontation? Comprehending is pointless, so much to scoprire.

I'll never tell. My own regret. I've tried. Too obvious? It's possible. Who else? Just one, one too many.

You'd never understand. But then that's オーケー, because you have a lifetime to try.

i <3 apathy

I probably should be studying for the ACT right now instead of procrastinating with something not productive at all. Damn book cost me $30, you think that'd be enough of an incentive to read it, but what can you do?

I really just don't care anymore. "....& that ends the chapter...test on this material covered Friday." In Phan-lish that means "Blah blah I didn't teach shit but I'm still going to fuck you up with a bad grade unless you're Jewish." Quadrilles? Bitch please!

I seem to be dimming in all my classes lately...as much as I hate to say this it's not like me to do so. Why am I acting this way? It's not like slacking off means I get another chance to redeem myself. The end is near. I'm going to have to walk up there and get that fake diploma. I need more time. I need another chance. I do care. Really.

...at another glance...

So I watched that new movie 21...it was ok but the reason I bring it up is because they mentioned something I learned in Calculus...Newton's Method...It really felt good that I understood it...

It's just like walking in a bookstore, and you see a book you've read before. I don't know how to explain it, but knowing that you have some bond with that certain book brings about /pride/ or such


do u need help? aid? someone to talk to? don't hesitate. embrace this call. trust in me.

moving 2 fast! (stop sign?)

Well this past week has just flown right by under our noses. I blink and half a month is out the window. Didn't it just turn 2008? Too old! Quá Già!

Math Club State Convention was fun. A nice break from the hectic trouble I have to deal with everyday in Lake Crapples. Sure I didn't really win anything, but that's ok....well it'd be a lie if I wasn't envious of my fellows all placing in something or another...hohum... I'm really glad I got to know some of the other Math Club members better. Chelsea cracks me up endlessly, it's a shame it took until now to get to know her better. I'm also glad I gave Melissa another chance. I can admit when I'm wrong, she's not a roach. I wish I took more pictures, not for the next scrapbook (FUCK THAT!) but just to mark more fun, memorable times with my friends before I embark on a new passage of life. Maybe this will document my memory of last minute scrapbook creation in between burger bites at Southside Bakery, blasting other school's scrapbooks with Chelsea -LOUDLY- before she chose to scurry under the table to work on the poster design, kicking a retarded cubic piece of furniture (FUCKING CUBE!) which has NO purpose except for taking space, eating midnight Cane's/sushi in the midst of shanking due to Sweeny Todd's antics - one knock = all girls smackdown to floor...hilarious-, witnessing Tung's rant on the Thetas about hiding his Wii.. i.e. Thing v. Roaches, singing the lyrics of "A Whole New World" for those brave enough to publicly sing a song they can't remember the words to, combining laser tag with PUMP in a furious rampage, and finishing it off with a competition of crab-legs and Rock Band. I almost wished it didn't end, but then again, Kaylyn & I could always hit it up next year. Dance? Karaoke? Oh yeah...

As if State was action-packed in itself, Prom ensued surely. Sure I was reluctant to it at first, but no regrets now. I may have had some troubles, arguments, disputes, and incompetence face at me, but in the end, I had fun. It was nice to see everyone getting together dressed up nicely to celebrate one of our final random flings. It was crazy posing for 10,15 cameras like a celebrity. Good thing they just got me at a good time. The vest was pimpin. I wanted to keep it. Those shoes were murder, however. You girls (& Cory) must've suffered in the heels. Midnight madness at IHOP? Yes please! Prom was truly something. It has to be outdone, though, with our senior skip day & vacation trip before everyone moves. I hope everyone distancing this summer won't change anything, at least not for the worse. Things can only get better right?

Now onto my new job, or rather, my first ever job. I'm really excited for that. It's probably bad that I still don't know when I'm going to work or for how much. Fuck. I hope I like the job. I don't want to just be forced to quit after a few days; I'm not Sadie. Isn't there a job where you can just sit there and get paid for doing nothing? Oh, right, prostitution. Never mind.

I still haven't felt this "personal freedom" yet. I'm told once I get this job, start paying my own bills, and depend on no one, it'll feel amazing. Ultimate high. I'm excited. I just wish I wasn't faced with so many choices, decisions that will affect the rest of my life. That's scary. If part of growing up gives you these opportunities, then why does it feel like chores?

Confliction rears its ugly head. Actions have consequences. The past is...gone. Can I get it back? Come on, one more try..do-over!

-hp

ps..I know the first 21 digits of pi! So nerdy, yet I feel accomplished for it. 3.14159265358979323846! Booyah! I'm in the process of memorizing e. All I have so far is the first 10 places..2.718281828...to be continued...