get right

So I've been told my expectations of those around me are set too high, for high expectations will only lead to disappointment. Though at first I pondered that it may be true of me, but then I had a thought. I only expect from those, what I myself am capable and more than willing to do. So why is it too much to expect this of them? Why can't I get in return what I so well give? Is it so hard to find someone dependable?

It's really just too exhausting to put up with. I'm disappointed. But I won't be spiteful now and throw it back, or else I'd be shafted down on that level as well, & then how can I morally put up with that?

Look, it's not like I mean to be a jerk, pick fights, or make anyone mad & hate me. I only act in a manner I feel most protective to me. If I do something that bothers you, I'm sorry. Really. I'm told I should check myself, but who would I be, if I didn't act in a way that's purely..me?

Let's call this a learned lesson & move on. Because I'm tired of being mad..

The ID(iot)

My mind is always torn between spite & compassion. So far, spite's in the lead. I know it sounds bad, that one would be no better to exact revenge on another for the mere fact it would "stoop down to their level," but I really really want to! Fuck.

dilemma

I noticed. I saw that look. I saw the seperation. I wished I wouldn't have, but it was just too seemingly obvious. It makes me feel like shit. What can I do to help it? Wait, never mind. I DO know, I'm just not willing to make the effort. I just want to tuck myself in the corner and hide, hoping no one notices.
I hate this. I hate me.

The security blanket: I can't stand it, but what would I do without it? It's shielding me, protecting me from what life really has to offer. But soon, that'll change, won't it? I'll have to face reality & all its not so glamorous details. How does it feel? To be on your own? Do I really want to know?
I'm thankful though, I am.

hey

Man it feels like an eternity since I've written anything. It's not that I haven't had the time, I just have had other things in mind, shuffling priorities around.

School has been..school. Some days are fine & I'm like "wow, today's a really good day." And then there are those "ugh, I can't wait to get home & pretend that didn't just happen."

I'm always on a deadline. I hate that. "Yay it's Friday. Wait, essay due Monday. Fuck shit damn." It never lets me relax. I'm not sure I even do anymore.

I'm conflicted on whether to transfer or not. Initially, after two years of LSU, it's onto UH. Now, I'm not so sure. It's not bad here. Comfortable. But if I don't do this, will I ever leave? It's weird how I'm plannin my future semesters at a time.

Yeah. This is random & crappy. Sorry.

stop

I'm really tired of this. Why must I always be shoved into the spotlight? God, I'm not even there, and my name can't stay out your mouths. If I've done nothing wrong, why treat me so?

I'm always finding myself having to defend me, my morals, my actions. Why question me? Do I question you? Why is it always a test? An interrogation? If this is what it's supposed to be like, I'd rather off being without. It's always "Harrison vs. etc". As many people that maybe be on the other side, my corner is always empty, no one at my back.

Now, I may not like to constantly stand up for myself, but I'll do it to the death. I will never let anyone have the upper hand. And there's no one to stop me. Go ahead. Try. You won't be the first, or the last, so just fall through the cracks.

Is it really something to ponder on why I don't go back more often? It is no home of mine. When I left, I didn't look back.

..I could use a kind word once in a while, you know..

[Oh yeah, thanks for making me feel like crap right before my birthday. Thoughtful present.]

midterms. not fun.

Whew, finally done. I don't think I've ever studied so hard. Not even ACT or SAT. Usually when weariness creeps in, apathy tags along.

Of course it was put off until last minute..which in hindsight was not the wisest decision. But luckily, groups sessions actually prove productive (except for yours Kaylyn, entertaining as they may be!). Though we did often veer off-topic with random conversations, (jew-fros, a tortuous lecture, food, keying cars), a group effort works better.

Only late into the night did I look around and notice: I'm the only one in this that's not white. The whole class, vanilla. I wonder if anyone else's noticed...I don't feel uncomfortable or out of place though. If anything, I feel..unique?

I only got about an hour of sleep last night. Got back from the library at 2:30am, studied more until 4:30, took a nap, then woke up at 6 & studied some more. Joy.

There's this girl in my class who wrote a 20 page review on all her notes, & was gracious enough to send a copy to everyone in the class. I'm really thankful and all, but damn..do you have a life?

Delirious on coffee, coke, & cookies, I went to make an attempt of passing my midterm. Some things went pretty smoothly, some..not. Time flies when you're..getting mind-raped.

OH FUCK YES. I TOTALLY ACED THAT BITCH.

"..It was the best of times.."

"it was the -weirdest- of times.."

Today has certainly been an -interesting- day, filled with surprises, odd events, & hilarious work moments.

Waking up to start the day off was brutal. I might as well have slept in until work. It figures that like, half of the student body skipped to start off their Fatty Tuesday festivities.

In Med Civ we talked about Vikings & their crazy antics, fiefs and their homosexual subtext relationship. Then in seminar, I show up late to be greeted with free doughnuts. & while we're in pairs chronologically setting up the Bayeux Tapestry, the pair next to me accuses me of cheating. So I respond "don't make me pillage your village! & key your car!"

Upon arriving to Chinese, I see a canceled class slip on the door. I'm about to jump for joy when I read it & find out it's not my class getting canceled. Fuck. I walk in, & the desks are oddly arranged in a circle. Everyone, rather than fixing the desks, merely sit down around the circle. That's the lazy spirit. Unfortunately, the professor stood in the middle..coming close & standing in front of mine for the majority of the time. Joy.

Work...wow. My boss took off today so we were all generally just goofing off, talking, not doing anything productive. We discussed everything in the spectrum: me cursing my coworker out in Chinese, old people mistaking drunk for high & calling a baby cute, but colored, & of course Arlene & the infamous crackhead moment. Then the receptionist asks me to stay late when everyone is gone to man the phone lines. I was in the middle of a "fuck no" when she says I'll be paid double for it. "Fuck yeah." No one is -supposed- to be cutting work early, but the president & the rest of the board is skipping Monday to go golfing (the most predictable white thing to do) so the rest of the staff sure as hell is as well.

I ran errands today. On a certain errand, I look up the directory on which room to deliver a letter to, & when I get there & open the door, what do I see but a damn cleaning supply closet. Real fucking funny. On the way out of the building, the automatic sliding door kept freaking out on me, not letting me exit. I was kind of hesitant to open the emergency door as I have had -previous- experiences with that (TRANG!).

Now midterms are creeping up. Right after Mardi Gras week, bam.

Lots more really funny things happened, but I'm too lazy to write it down. Ask me sometime. Today is something that is highly remarkable, one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. God, if today was something, I am damn glad I won't be in the state for MG.

...

I took a nap today. But it was far from pleasent. A nightmare reared its ugly head into my mind. I had died. And yet I could still see everyone, as a ghost I suppose. And everything was..normal. Nothing had changed. So when I woke up and found out it was nothing but a dream, the feeling of worry and fear still filled my mind. What if I die tomorrow? And worse, what if no one cares?

wtf

Really now, is incompetence contagious? Fuck shit damn.

merry -crap-mas!

Me & my sticky fingers! I got:

• 1 beanie
• 2 cups
• 1 string of beads
• 2 water bottles
• 1 ruler
• 2 pocket calculators
• 1 powder brush
• 10 stress relievers
• 1..rain..tracker
• 3 yoyos
• 1 mini office supply kit
• 2 tee shirts, one corn-shaped
• 1 portable caddy
• 3 tote bags, filled
• 1 dancing robot
• 7 cup warmers
• 1 lanyard
• 2 Frisbees
• 1 headphone speakers
• 7 post-it pads
• 1 business card holder
• 2 headphones
• 1 mouse pad
• 6 notepads
• 1 pack of screwdrivers
• 3 decks of cards
• 1 cookie with a logo on it
• 2 light up bouncy balls
• 1 pin
• 10 highlighters
• 1 meat thermometer
• 2 mini 1st aid kits
• 1 cd cleaner
• 2 whistles
• 1 tape measure
• 12 key chains
• 1 staple remover
• 3 flashlights
• 1 tin of mints
• 3 suitcase tags
• 1 glasses cloth
• 2 letter openers
• 1 paper clip holder
• 2 magnets
• 1.. I don’t know, but it feels slimy
• 1 flash drive…only one! :(
• LOTS & LOTS of candy
• 1 logo imprinted cookie
• At least 50 pens of all sizes, shapes, colors, & designs
• 1 back pack strap
• 1..rubber chicken

Not a bad haul, but next time is going to be even –more-.