dilemma

I noticed. I saw that look. I saw the seperation. I wished I wouldn't have, but it was just too seemingly obvious. It makes me feel like shit. What can I do to help it? Wait, never mind. I DO know, I'm just not willing to make the effort. I just want to tuck myself in the corner and hide, hoping no one notices.
I hate this. I hate me.

The security blanket: I can't stand it, but what would I do without it? It's shielding me, protecting me from what life really has to offer. But soon, that'll change, won't it? I'll have to face reality & all its not so glamorous details. How does it feel? To be on your own? Do I really want to know?
I'm thankful though, I am.

hey

Man it feels like an eternity since I've written anything. It's not that I haven't had the time, I just have had other things in mind, shuffling priorities around.

School has been..school. Some days are fine & I'm like "wow, today's a really good day." And then there are those "ugh, I can't wait to get home & pretend that didn't just happen."

I'm always on a deadline. I hate that. "Yay it's Friday. Wait, essay due Monday. Fuck shit damn." It never lets me relax. I'm not sure I even do anymore.

I'm conflicted on whether to transfer or not. Initially, after two years of LSU, it's onto UH. Now, I'm not so sure. It's not bad here. Comfortable. But if I don't do this, will I ever leave? It's weird how I'm plannin my future semesters at a time.

Yeah. This is random & crappy. Sorry.

stop

I'm really tired of this. Why must I always be shoved into the spotlight? God, I'm not even there, and my name can't stay out your mouths. If I've done nothing wrong, why treat me so?

I'm always finding myself having to defend me, my morals, my actions. Why question me? Do I question you? Why is it always a test? An interrogation? If this is what it's supposed to be like, I'd rather off being without. It's always "Harrison vs. etc". As many people that maybe be on the other side, my corner is always empty, no one at my back.

Now, I may not like to constantly stand up for myself, but I'll do it to the death. I will never let anyone have the upper hand. And there's no one to stop me. Go ahead. Try. You won't be the first, or the last, so just fall through the cracks.

Is it really something to ponder on why I don't go back more often? It is no home of mine. When I left, I didn't look back.

..I could use a kind word once in a while, you know..

[Oh yeah, thanks for making me feel like crap right before my birthday. Thoughtful present.]

midterms. not fun.

Whew, finally done. I don't think I've ever studied so hard. Not even ACT or SAT. Usually when weariness creeps in, apathy tags along.

Of course it was put off until last minute..which in hindsight was not the wisest decision. But luckily, groups sessions actually prove productive (except for yours Kaylyn, entertaining as they may be!). Though we did often veer off-topic with random conversations, (jew-fros, a tortuous lecture, food, keying cars), a group effort works better.

Only late into the night did I look around and notice: I'm the only one in this that's not white. The whole class, vanilla. I wonder if anyone else's noticed...I don't feel uncomfortable or out of place though. If anything, I feel..unique?

I only got about an hour of sleep last night. Got back from the library at 2:30am, studied more until 4:30, took a nap, then woke up at 6 & studied some more. Joy.

There's this girl in my class who wrote a 20 page review on all her notes, & was gracious enough to send a copy to everyone in the class. I'm really thankful and all, but damn..do you have a life?

Delirious on coffee, coke, & cookies, I went to make an attempt of passing my midterm. Some things went pretty smoothly, some..not. Time flies when you're..getting mind-raped.

OH FUCK YES. I TOTALLY ACED THAT BITCH.