"but i already told you i was sorry"

I hate it when people say "I'm sorry." I hate it because people think that'll solve everything, that'll make everything better. "I'm sorry I cheated on you." Is saying sorry gonna make it okay that you cheated? No. People also say I'm sorry when they don't even mean it. Are you sorry? If you do something intentionally, you meant to do it, so what does sorry change. Why do something that you'd have to apologize for later? And do you expect me to forgive you just because you said you're sorry? Guess again. That means nothing to me.

Instead of hearing I'm sorry, I'd much rather hear: "Hey. I did -blank-, that's my fault. I take full responsibility and the consequences that it entails." Much better than some dumbass apology.

Wow it's weird how things can go from fine to horrible in mere hours. I'm going to bed, pretend my life is normal.

what time is it now?

I remember my sister told me her boss' wife cried upon hearing the news of Michael Jackson's death. She even went on forums to discuss it. Apparently she idolized him growing up. I didn't get it. It's not like you knew him, like you met him, or he sat at your dinner table. I get it now. I get the pain, the hollowness, the lack of closure. Yes, I do obsess. But I'm not alone. I'm only one of many. Here, up north, across the ocean, spanning the world. And we're all devastated. It's been like a dream. You never know what you had till it's gone. How much you actually cared.


I can't believe what an attachment I've built. Looking back, I sometimes wish I never jumped into this world, so I'd never have to face the dark, "scandalous" hardships that seemed to hurt us all.

I don't know who's scarier, sasaengs or antis. Both should not be underestimated, nor crossed. OT7's lives are in their hands. How are the members feeling? Which were genuine the whole time? 10 out of 10.

Who's to blame in all this? Leadja? JYPE? Fate? I'm getting a headache. And the rumors. That's the worst. Who comes up with such heinous stories, looking just to gain gossip power. I Hate You. As a bold aggressive forward passionate person I believe myself to be, when faced with this, the responses, the arguments, the opinions, I..backed down. I didn't want to say any negative words, I didn't want to point the finger, I didn't want to get riled up. Lost.


I know what I want. I want it back. All of it. But I'm a realist. I know what can & cannot be. So I want what 박재범 wants. He comes out, says he wants to be done with it, fine. I, we, they will support that. But otherwise, we wait. I'm tired too. I've already said Again & Again I'd give it up, but I keep checking in. I'm too attached. I need to move on. The world still spins. But it feels empty now. It feels fake. (Are you fake? Have you been this whole time? Right before my eyes.)



So what time is it now? 1:59PM.

=======================================================
I had this left open since the events transpired, but only now have I committed to putting my thoughts on "paper" to see how I'm feeling.

i'm over it, no, really, it's done with.

Finals, both a blessing and torture. I hope everyone is studying more than me, that being waiting until the night before to pretty much crack the book, sacrificing sleep and sanity.

..≠..

If everyone is destined for something, everyone has a passion in life, well..what's mine? What am I destined for? What am I meant to be, to do?

So I'm sitting in this meeting for a club I'm not even in, & they start talking. They seem really engaged in what they do, talking about graduate school, and what kind of future it'll provide for them. So then I think about it, and how that relates to me. Am I passionate in what I do? Do I strive to excel in it? Do I know where it'll take me?

No. Nothing. Zip.

Math..I don't hate hate it. I can tolerate it. On a certain level I do like it. But I've reached my peak. I find myself not being able to put my heart in it. And I can't make a life of something I don't -want- to be doing. Where's there to go in math anyway? Standing in front of a chalkboard doing math problems? No.

My sister keeps telling me to do engineering, & the benefits are favorable. There's just enough math, but not -only- math. They make BANK. There's lots of opportunites out there for an engineer, the career fair had loads of companies looking for engineers. So the cons..I don't have one. Not one! The only thing I can think of is the building's far, and that's a shitty excuse. So why isn't it appealing me?! Oh yeah, it's alot of hard work, more work I'm afraid I won't be able to commit to.

I'll give math a last ride, talk to advisors, see if my opinion for it changes. But the thought of chalk in my hands for a living, that's just not me.

stop

I'm really tired of this. Why must I always be shoved into the spotlight? God, I'm not even there, and my name can't stay out your mouths. If I've done nothing wrong, why treat me so?

I'm always finding myself having to defend me, my morals, my actions. Why question me? Do I question you? Why is it always a test? An interrogation? If this is what it's supposed to be like, I'd rather off being without. It's always "Harrison vs. etc". As many people that maybe be on the other side, my corner is always empty, no one at my back.

Now, I may not like to constantly stand up for myself, but I'll do it to the death. I will never let anyone have the upper hand. And there's no one to stop me. Go ahead. Try. You won't be the first, or the last, so just fall through the cracks.

Is it really something to ponder on why I don't go back more often? It is no home of mine. When I left, I didn't look back.

..I could use a kind word once in a while, you know..

[Oh yeah, thanks for making me feel like crap right before my birthday. Thoughtful present.]

wtf

Really now, is incompetence contagious? Fuck shit damn.

ain't mah problem

I'm pissed. & when I am, there's no leeway in changing my opinion. Go ahead, fuck up your life. And? I care why?

Okay. Get mad. Sure, you got a rise out of me, but knowing that I did as well is delightful.

When it all comes down to it, you ain't blood. Never will be. So I don't give a fuck.

rejection

Tôi đau đớn. Tôi đang xấu hổ. Tôi không biết. Tôi không biết những gì để cảm thấy nữa. Tôi lấy một cơ hội, nhưng mất. Bước đầu tiên, là rất khó. Những số một bên thua câm. Tại sao tôi con số đó sẽ mãi mãi được một cơ hội giữa chúng tôi? Những gì đau nhất là bạn sẽ không bao giờ thực sự nói rằng: không có. Bạn còn lại nó đến cho tôi để có được câu trả lời. Tôi không thể tha thứ cho bạn rằng. Sẽ được điều bao giờ hết, trong cùng một lần nữa? Is it in the stars that I'm destined to be alone?

Kick in tears, give me reason.

fucking failed

I want to cry. Really. The tears aren't responding...

I fail in school. I fail in love. I fail in life. 18 years of preparation for shit.

What happened to that spark that kept me going? It's gone...gone! What can I do? Drugs? Will that make me whole again?

I don't know why I'm becoming the person I am. I don't like him.

Is it too late to change? Is recovery an option? Where's that rewind button?

I'm scared. The future looks bleak.

....when worst comes to worst....

"As high as a Category 5, you say. Eh, we'll be fine."

I think I'm the only sane person left in this house. In this family. My sister refuses to leave. And while I understand about how duty to her patients, she won't even call her school to verify the status of her requirement to attend. "They're going to email me Monday." The hurricane is already going to be here you stupid bitch. What if we don't have power to check fucking emails? We've been arguing a lot over this. But her reply is always the same. "If you want to go, then leave."

I've been confused as to why I haven't left either. Looking out for No. 1? I....can't...leave. I can't leave her. I can't do it myself. Where would I go? This is the first time I've really had to make a decision as an adult. My decision? Well I haven't left yet, have I?

I was hurt. And I wanted to spread that. I told her that one of us needs to die so she will finally learn her lesson. We got into a huge argument & I said "I know which one of us I want to die." I regret saying that. But I'm not going to apologize. Never.

My parents are no help. They blindly follow whatever my sister says. I swear I'm the black sheep. I hope my dad will be okay. Fuck my mom, she's in Houston. She good. Stupid L'auberge. Calcasieu has a mandatory evacuation. And yet you still have not dismissed you employees yet? How are you going to operate without guests to play in your casino or sleep in your hotel? Even if he gets off, where is he going to go? Fuck, I hate Louisiana. I called him last night to try to talk to my sister. His dumb ass says Baton Rouge will be fine because it's always been fine. He's not one to believe the "what-ifs." I told him that was the stupidest thing anyone could have ever said. And that he was stupid. *hang up*

Then...I cried. Nothing to do. Nowhere to turn. No ideas. No backup plans. All I was left with was tears.

I'm worried. I tried to just ignore it, but reality is, a storm's brewing. Destination: Louisiana. This is real. Real bad. What's my outcome? I may be over dramatic, but...I'm actually scared for my life.

bị ngăn cấm quả

Well this is new. Never have I not been able to get something I want. Plan of tatics? I suppose kicking and screaming is out of the question. *sigh* Those were the simpler days. Time is taking its toll on me. I feel things that I really shouldn't be. Lòng khao khát, sự ganh tị, lòng ghen tị, sự ao ước. How can I be stupid enough to fall for this? Harrison, you dumb fuck. Can I even face sự loại trừ? Too humiliating. And Harrison Taylor Phan is not one to have anyone get the upper hand. Never.

Why am I mad? Why should I care? I say I don't, but I really do. I shrug it off, thinking that it's a lost cause. And it really is. Too much baggage. I hate myself. I just have to get it out though. I'll never be able to live with myself unitl I can finally speak it. My own sense of closure.

But it's okay. Soon Baton Rouge will be your new home. Out of sight, out of mind. Has this logic ever worked? Will it now? Please do. I have no other alternative.

attention everyone, everything

I hate...so much right now. I hate you. I hate me. I hate with a passion.

Greed, deception, ignorance, incompetence, cowardness, passiveness, indifference, stupidity...the list goes on.

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck me, fuck life. I don't care anymore.

Where are those razors?