i'm going day to day

3/27/10
I just walked to go throw out the garbage. I crossed an apartment with an open window & being the creepy voyeur that I apparently am, I looked in. There was a Happy Easter sign on the wall. Does anyone really care that much about Easter? Random.

3/28/10
The more I sleep, the more tired I seem to be. I've been sleeping alot lately. And in random segments, just how I like it.

3/29/10
I'm hurting alot. Physically. Emotionally, I'm void at the moment. I'm losing myself in dumb shit that in no way benefits.

3/30/10
Is this what the working world is really like? How fake & hypocritical. But I'll just sit here & wish harm comes your way.

3/31/10
Tomorrow! But iono, I halfway wish I could just stay home, or better, just go somewhere where really isolated so I can sleep, think. There's so much I could be doing right now: Working on programming final project, doing econ homework, writing a 10+ page paper for chin lit, starting this long as hell take home test for chin, & googling answers for phys hw. Fucking fuck.

"i suppose unrequited love is my fate"

Like a snowflake floating toward you
Don’t hesitate, don’t stop
Don’t hide
I want to float into your arms
And become part of a snowdrift
An everlasting snowdrift

~Temptation of an Angel

110% !! no? how about 90? 75..

You know the ones who study ahead of time rather than the night before, who read the book diligently, who settle for nothing less than an A? Yeah, that's not me. Not at all.

Unproductive is my middle name. I wish I tried harder. I wish I gave it my all. But I don't. I settle for what I can get at the very minimum. And that's not good. You never get ahead in life by sitting on your behind.

Oh, it was my birthday last week. I'm 20. Twenty. God that's such a weird thing to say. Usually people start denying their age when they hit 40 or whatever but I'm already jumping on that bandwagon.

I wish I would know my physics grade already. Something I feel confident in, he takes his sweet ass time. Figures.


~~
Jae's on youtube! My twitter is freaking blowing up over this. This made my day, really. "Beautiful girls, all over the world" = ]

what time is it now?

I remember my sister told me her boss' wife cried upon hearing the news of Michael Jackson's death. She even went on forums to discuss it. Apparently she idolized him growing up. I didn't get it. It's not like you knew him, like you met him, or he sat at your dinner table. I get it now. I get the pain, the hollowness, the lack of closure. Yes, I do obsess. But I'm not alone. I'm only one of many. Here, up north, across the ocean, spanning the world. And we're all devastated. It's been like a dream. You never know what you had till it's gone. How much you actually cared.


I can't believe what an attachment I've built. Looking back, I sometimes wish I never jumped into this world, so I'd never have to face the dark, "scandalous" hardships that seemed to hurt us all.

I don't know who's scarier, sasaengs or antis. Both should not be underestimated, nor crossed. OT7's lives are in their hands. How are the members feeling? Which were genuine the whole time? 10 out of 10.

Who's to blame in all this? Leadja? JYPE? Fate? I'm getting a headache. And the rumors. That's the worst. Who comes up with such heinous stories, looking just to gain gossip power. I Hate You. As a bold aggressive forward passionate person I believe myself to be, when faced with this, the responses, the arguments, the opinions, I..backed down. I didn't want to say any negative words, I didn't want to point the finger, I didn't want to get riled up. Lost.


I know what I want. I want it back. All of it. But I'm a realist. I know what can & cannot be. So I want what 박재범 wants. He comes out, says he wants to be done with it, fine. I, we, they will support that. But otherwise, we wait. I'm tired too. I've already said Again & Again I'd give it up, but I keep checking in. I'm too attached. I need to move on. The world still spins. But it feels empty now. It feels fake. (Are you fake? Have you been this whole time? Right before my eyes.)



So what time is it now? 1:59PM.

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I had this left open since the events transpired, but only now have I committed to putting my thoughts on "paper" to see how I'm feeling.