It comes and goes, me.

I can't stop. I don't know what to do.

let's go to walmart at midnight and get boxes for free

I'm packing again. Joy.

It's not like I'm moving away or anything, I'm just going across town. I just hate having to pick up my life and stuff it into cardboard boxes.

Alot of change comes with this move. Some would see it in a good light. I'm not one of them. I almost had a panic attack when I first found out.

So here we go. A new chapter (sort of)

this blog is rant central

=========================

I'm packing right now, & I pick up all the study abroad catalogs. Who am I kidding, it's now a pipe dream. *trashes*

I'm not sure what will become of me.

"but i already told you i was sorry"

I hate it when people say "I'm sorry." I hate it because people think that'll solve everything, that'll make everything better. "I'm sorry I cheated on you." Is saying sorry gonna make it okay that you cheated? No. People also say I'm sorry when they don't even mean it. Are you sorry? If you do something intentionally, you meant to do it, so what does sorry change. Why do something that you'd have to apologize for later? And do you expect me to forgive you just because you said you're sorry? Guess again. That means nothing to me.

Instead of hearing I'm sorry, I'd much rather hear: "Hey. I did -blank-, that's my fault. I take full responsibility and the consequences that it entails." Much better than some dumbass apology.

Wow it's weird how things can go from fine to horrible in mere hours. I'm going to bed, pretend my life is normal.

crappy or happy

Stumbled on this today at work. Some of them are too girly for my tastes, but her mini messages are nice.








Her cheesy drawings brought a genuine smile to my face, which hasn't been happening lately. I've been putting on a "happy" face on the outside, but I'm really burdened.




I think daydreaming makes me happy. Dreams are great, but I can't control those. Daydreaming, everything always goes my way.

35 years later

I think I'll call my dad later. I wonder what he's thinking today.

uhhhhh, *shrugs*

This isn't working. I really can't stay like this. Everything in my life is getting affected. Something has to go.

i'm sitting at the wings

It's a little lonelier this time around. Not the exciting excursion I was looking to. I could go around playing tourist with a camera at my hand, but I just want to sit in this corner and lose myself in another world. Clouds cover the sky, rain drops sting. I'm going home. In a way I want to be home already, in a way I want to go anywhere but home. Back to my rut, back to the emptiness.

My flights are delayed. Joy. I hope that's the worst it gets. No more continued delays.

~~

Some people are really mean. I only want to go home, don't be curt with me, I didn't do anything wrong.

To the skies

I’ve flown plenty of times. I love it. I remember when I was a kid I lived for turbulence. That didn’t last. This is my first time flying alone though. I’ve always been accompanied by someone older, like my parents, to handle the tickets & checking in & whatnot. I don’t know why, but I feel excited. On my own. Checking my bag was an interesting experience. I really like doing baggage claim too, it’s like Where’s Waldo, but OH FUCK WHERE’S MY BAG MY STUFF WAS IN THERE SHIT WHAT IF IT WENT TO NICARAGUA?! Yeah, like that.
I’m sitting at the airport right now waiting for my flight. I love airports too. I really enjoy the atmosphere. It’s one of my favorite places to be. So many destinations, so many people, the opportunities are endless. (I’m typing this in word since WiFi is being retarded. Figures.) I’m in the “reading room” right now. There’s a kid’s playroom across the terminal with these arcade games, but I’m 20, I probably should just leave that alone. There’s also a smoking room that I wanted to go in just for the hell of it, but that’d be weird. Not being white or black, I’m already getting eyes from other people around me if I’m going to YOU-KNOW-WHAT a plane. Please, if anything, I don’t trust you people.
This airport is rather small, which bothers me, but at least it’s clean. I always like going into giftshops in airports, because they always have regional merchandise.
Speaking of small, my first plane is a teeny one. Fuck. That shit creeps me out. The bigger, the better. I’m used to riding Boeing 747s. Downgrade.
I think I failed my quiz today. Oh well. Everyone else sounded like they were effed in the a, so that makes me feel better. Bad grades united. I spoke to my advisor today. I showed him my potential schedule, & he shot that shit down but quick. “Statics, chem, math, & physics?? *click of red pen* “. Oh well, perhaps it’s for the best.
Yay for studs. Now to order the most ghettolicious blingified ones I can find.
My flight should be taking off in an hour. I wish this airport was more scenic though, so I’d have something cool to see. I like the New Orleans airport. & the Orlando one. I wanna see the Vegas one, I hear that’s really nice. Asian airports, *cringe*. Well no, I hear the Vietnam ones are really nice now. Still lots of FOB people roaming it though. Wait, they wouldn’t be FOBs, that’s they’re home turf. I’m the “rich American.” Ahah, guess again.
When I was walking through the security gate, I had to take my shoes off. I didn’t like that. I also had to take my laptop out, etc. Cumbersome. There was this really cute guy doing it next to me though. I wonder where he’s going. I wonder who he’s going to see. Hm.
~~
I landed in Dallas about an hour ago, & I’m not as fresh as I was going in. Subway, everybody there is Mexican, huge shock. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to say oregano in Spanish. It’s really big here though, & nice =] . Samsung advertising up the ass here, but it’s very technologic and cool, with spinning tvs and a devoted Samsung Lounge, which was awesome, yet abandoned, but oh well. The tables were literal ads themselves, with cell phone models placed underneath & illuminated. One of them was mine, so I’m a winner. No free WiFi here as well, I fucking hate that. If not for my phone, I’d surely be raging. And you know what else? I found literally 4 men’s restrooms before I could find a water fountain to go with it. I’m sorry, I won’t buy a freaking coke just to have to throw it away. Uh-oh, time to board soon, ta.

i'm going day to day

3/27/10
I just walked to go throw out the garbage. I crossed an apartment with an open window & being the creepy voyeur that I apparently am, I looked in. There was a Happy Easter sign on the wall. Does anyone really care that much about Easter? Random.

3/28/10
The more I sleep, the more tired I seem to be. I've been sleeping alot lately. And in random segments, just how I like it.

3/29/10
I'm hurting alot. Physically. Emotionally, I'm void at the moment. I'm losing myself in dumb shit that in no way benefits.

3/30/10
Is this what the working world is really like? How fake & hypocritical. But I'll just sit here & wish harm comes your way.

3/31/10
Tomorrow! But iono, I halfway wish I could just stay home, or better, just go somewhere where really isolated so I can sleep, think. There's so much I could be doing right now: Working on programming final project, doing econ homework, writing a 10+ page paper for chin lit, starting this long as hell take home test for chin, & googling answers for phys hw. Fucking fuck.

"i suppose unrequited love is my fate"

Like a snowflake floating toward you
Don’t hesitate, don’t stop
Don’t hide
I want to float into your arms
And become part of a snowdrift
An everlasting snowdrift

~Temptation of an Angel

110% !! no? how about 90? 75..

You know the ones who study ahead of time rather than the night before, who read the book diligently, who settle for nothing less than an A? Yeah, that's not me. Not at all.

Unproductive is my middle name. I wish I tried harder. I wish I gave it my all. But I don't. I settle for what I can get at the very minimum. And that's not good. You never get ahead in life by sitting on your behind.

Oh, it was my birthday last week. I'm 20. Twenty. God that's such a weird thing to say. Usually people start denying their age when they hit 40 or whatever but I'm already jumping on that bandwagon.

I wish I would know my physics grade already. Something I feel confident in, he takes his sweet ass time. Figures.


~~
Jae's on youtube! My twitter is freaking blowing up over this. This made my day, really. "Beautiful girls, all over the world" = ]

what time is it now?

I remember my sister told me her boss' wife cried upon hearing the news of Michael Jackson's death. She even went on forums to discuss it. Apparently she idolized him growing up. I didn't get it. It's not like you knew him, like you met him, or he sat at your dinner table. I get it now. I get the pain, the hollowness, the lack of closure. Yes, I do obsess. But I'm not alone. I'm only one of many. Here, up north, across the ocean, spanning the world. And we're all devastated. It's been like a dream. You never know what you had till it's gone. How much you actually cared.


I can't believe what an attachment I've built. Looking back, I sometimes wish I never jumped into this world, so I'd never have to face the dark, "scandalous" hardships that seemed to hurt us all.

I don't know who's scarier, sasaengs or antis. Both should not be underestimated, nor crossed. OT7's lives are in their hands. How are the members feeling? Which were genuine the whole time? 10 out of 10.

Who's to blame in all this? Leadja? JYPE? Fate? I'm getting a headache. And the rumors. That's the worst. Who comes up with such heinous stories, looking just to gain gossip power. I Hate You. As a bold aggressive forward passionate person I believe myself to be, when faced with this, the responses, the arguments, the opinions, I..backed down. I didn't want to say any negative words, I didn't want to point the finger, I didn't want to get riled up. Lost.


I know what I want. I want it back. All of it. But I'm a realist. I know what can & cannot be. So I want what 박재범 wants. He comes out, says he wants to be done with it, fine. I, we, they will support that. But otherwise, we wait. I'm tired too. I've already said Again & Again I'd give it up, but I keep checking in. I'm too attached. I need to move on. The world still spins. But it feels empty now. It feels fake. (Are you fake? Have you been this whole time? Right before my eyes.)



So what time is it now? 1:59PM.

=======================================================
I had this left open since the events transpired, but only now have I committed to putting my thoughts on "paper" to see how I'm feeling.

I just wanna get up and go. Leave at a moment's notice. Destination, wherever I want. That'd be the life. No commitments. No responsibilities, if only for a while.

..I'll go to bed. In my dreams, I'm free, I'm flying.

the kindness of strangers

Today's a hard day. I can't find anyone to talk to, to just unload all my problems, worries, blahs. Everyone around me is just so wrapped up in themselves, it wouldn't be any use to try. I want to see how life would be like to have family to fall back on, that'd be nice. But hey, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm what wrong. (No, it's them.)

whoosa

calculating simple interest

There's a guy that sits to the back of the library, in the group study part. I've seen him here before, maybe twice, it's not like the library is in high volume on a weekend. He's really quiet, his movements. A page turn of mine could fill the damn floor. Today he has a whole box of krispy kremes, but it's empty. It's kind of funny to imagine he ate all that, but more power to ya. His laptop is a brand I've never seen before, but it's white, and I want it. I'm really into white lately...stuff.

Is it weird I'm staring at a guy? He's cute, I wonder what his name is. Of course I'd never have the balls to randomly walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. I so suck at life.

Physics, programming, econ. This is what I'll focus on. I'll make no time on thinking on what if's.

i don't even know you

Today's a horrible day. I just want to crawl back into bed & wish it never happened. I feel like I've lost faith in my fellow man. I want to cry, but it'd be a waste of tears.

blur

The days are running together for me now. "What's today? The 14th? Shut up, nuhuh."

I need to make this one somewhat memorable. I need to be able to go "Oh yeah, that's when ______ happened, that's when I went ______ , that's when I finally got _____ ...I need to be able to fill in these blanks by the next ball drop.

frazzled

My computer crashed about a week ago, everything gone. I try not to think about what I've all lost, because it gives me a headache, no really, I get dizzy. I try to look forward. Except for those WG pictures, I freaked out until I realized I still had them on my camera. Thinking back to that, I feel..awkward. Actions & consequences? (7-1=0)

What have I been doing all break? I'm not sure. Random things, & at the same time, nothing. And now school is creeping up, fuck. Though I've been on campus all break anyway, so it's not a complete transition. I always long for days with no agenda, but when I get them, I feel unaccomplished.

I'm still so pissed at my computer. But I guess I have no one to blame but myself. Restore points! Must remember!!