hi

Hi? Wow, original. I really don't have anything particular or interesting to say, but I figure if I keep writing, something will come to me.
....writer's block...

Here at Coffee Bean, it's rather dead. But that's okay, too many people annoy me.

Ahhh internet, sweet sweet internet. How I've missed you so. I always check 4 things everytime: Facebook, Capital One, LSU, & Blogger. Oh, & I turn on Megaupload to download....documentaries. Yeah, that sounds plausible.

I feel unaccomplished being here. I want to go -home.- Hm. In only a few months, a new strange city has already been adopted as my domicile. Though being here spending time with friends who I hardly get to see during school is much valued, I feel...unfitting here. Everyone is going on with their seperate lives, & I am merely trying to cling on, hoping for a moment of attention. I hate that.

I want "để tìm bản thân mình."

...it's lonely here.

ain't mah problem

I'm pissed. & when I am, there's no leeway in changing my opinion. Go ahead, fuck up your life. And? I care why?

Okay. Get mad. Sure, you got a rise out of me, but knowing that I did as well is delightful.

When it all comes down to it, you ain't blood. Never will be. So I don't give a fuck.

done.

Whew. Time to exhale. Hello sleep.

winter wonderland?

I'm having difficulty typing this. My fingers are numb, & move..chunkily. Must be frozen, really. I woke up early to get some more studying done at the library. I walk out the door, & what do I see but a rather thick layer of white on...everything. It registers. "Oh my god! It's snow!"

A car literally skidded 3 lanes over to mine & almost hit me. Not fun.

At least everyone around me is marveling like buffoons as well. I should be studying. My final is in less than half an hour.

I wish someone, anyone, was here to share this with me now. Two guys in the quad were having a snowball fight. I want to throw a snowball at someone!

The guy on the computer across from me has specks of snow in his hair. I guess he doesn't feel it yet. *reaches up to head* Oh. I can relate.

Thursday, 7:07 am. December 11th, 2008. Louisiana. Baton Rouge. LSU. Snow. It's so weird writing that word!

I'm going to be sad to see it go. See you in...18 more years? Let this moment last just until you're by my side.

.....I just can't stop smiling.....

anh joseph cao is my obama

"1st Vietnamese-American elected to US Congress."

That makes me really happy.

Once in Kinder, a guy walked up & merely asked me "North or South?" The nerve.

tick tock

3:14..yay pi time. I'm a math major, I can say that without teasing.

My eyes have difficulty staying open, yet I'm not feeling so tired.

I'm watching old music videos on youtube that I haven't seen since my childhood. Damn you, Kaylyn.

Turns out I'll be heading down to LC much sooner than planned. Longer, too.

I feel like shit. So sick (of love songs). I keep coughing every 30 seconds. Blood'll come out sooner or later. After downing a whole bottle of Vicks 44, I'm still sick. Wonderful. [I THINK I'M GETTING EVERYONE AROUND ME SICK. SORRY GUYS, BUT THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO PASS IT ON.]

Yeah, okay, finals are coming up. I haven't really studied yet. I need to. CC's coffee? Yucky. Highland Coffee? Eww. Charlie's Coffee? YUM.

Yeah okay, this is starting to sound alot like your newest blog entry, Rachel. This "freshman experience?" I don't think I've experienced the full effect, & that saddens me. I do think that this college experience has hit me though. In random moments. Crashing in the union between classes, waking up on the floor of a friend's apartment after a rowdy night, skipping...just for the hell of it. Okay well that one happened in high school too. I'm rather happy with this BR life though. Though I miss my friends terribly, I like it here. I like the atmosphere. Though any place other than LC, I'd be happy haha.

bleh

you, the hypocrite

You see someone taking their damn sweet time passing the crosswalk. Fury boils while you sit in your car, contemplating if you could get away with running them over. "Don't give me that smirk! You could be a fly on the windshield by now."

But now it's your turn. Park the car. Get out, & walk to class. Now YOU walk across the street, & this bastard in his used, American car gives you an ugly glare. "Please, like YOU'RE so important, a few seconds will kill ya.

Weren't you just that person in the car, evil-eyeing the pedestrian? Shaaaame.

...

These "implicit social norms." It's not common procedure to talk, or even make eye contact with the guy peeing next to you. But who told when you were growing up "Hey, when you use the urinal, DON'T TALK TO THE GUY NEXT TO YOU. IT'S WEIRD."


Social psychology seems interesting. Take the course? Nahh.

call it in the air

Let's flip a coin. Heads: I leave things the way they are. Tails: Complete do-over. Aw shit, it's a two-headed coin.

Weed out the unnecessary, the rubbish. What's more trouble than it's worth, to hell with it. WILL it get better in time? ....damn crutch term. You mean so much in 3 monosyllabic words.

I do love this weather. The cold. A breeze, perfection. Sure enough, we'll have another hot flash by January.

Thanksgiving at my back, Christmas at my feet. Time needs to stop. I need a breather. Just time to...sleep. Sleep, wake, eat, slack, & sleep once again. Rich people have the life.

Finals, finals, finals. Fuck, fuck, fuck. J'ai besoin etudier. 现在. Ngu.

i love being right

nothing is more satisfying than an i told you so. It's not my fault I'm a sensable person

why so?

I hate this. Times have surely changed. And there's no helping it. But you're right. It IS time to move on. Time to leave the past behind. Stick with those still worth being around. Scrap the unnecessary. I don't know. If only I used it as a crutch term this time...

Is it me? I mean, it can't be everyone else. So it must be me. I'm the one that can't go with the flow. But then again, that's nature, that things change. Pause a moment in time, so I can cherish it once more. "Just one more time, baby, just one more time."

another sleepless night

I find myself still up. It's late...well not for me, but if I were a regular person it'd be. I should be going to bed. Homework sits on my bed, opened, yet unfinished. Typical.

But there is a New Year's resolution in mind: to study more, harder....(at all.) Do whatever it takes. So that means the library/Starbucks is second home. I've already started, sort of. I wonder how finals are going to be...I hear VERY stressing. Lovely.

I keep listening to JJ Lin. Especially a certain song, 小酒窝 or Small Dimples. It entrances me. So melodic. "Every night, I can't sleep... I keep thinking of your smile."

Tại sao tôi không thể ghi bất cứ điều gì tốt không?! Tôi suck suck suck!

to fill da void

Yea... Nothing comes to mind as a good blog entry.

So I took another survey to be unique *cough* kaylyn & rachel *cough*

23 Deep Questions

Take this survey
1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
I’d say telling sum1 how u feel because it makes me feel vulnerable

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
ummm dis morning haha. @ mahself tho 4 not getting up earli 2 study.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
wow….i have no idea. I can’t think of any1. Datz kinda depressin.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
b happy

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love.
trust. Love can build off it.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you’re fired. Do you save the dog?
I’d…..try. If mah boss is dat much of an asshole, o well. I’ll find sum other job.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
No I haven’t but I would 4 sexual favors! Haha jk, or am i?

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
ahhh dis damn question! I’m kinda leanin towards no, but dat sounds SOOO bad.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
4 sho! I’m fuckin phantastik!

10. Does sex=love?
No

11. Are you old fashioned?
not realli

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
argh! Um…..no? yes? I dunno! Y da fuck am I taking dis?!

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
dat u dun luv dem bak

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
vision, hearing

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
motherfuck. Rather recent

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
study harder, not procrastinate

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
…..i dun lyke mah initial answer

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
yea

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
baby

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
a few weeks ago, but it blew up in mah face
If You had three months to live:
21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
sum peepl, not jux gonna advertise it

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
travel

23. Would you be afraid?
deathly (haha irony)

Thanks Duong Trieu Vu!

this life i know...

I can't breathe anymore, too overwhelming. I want it to be over with, everything to end.

As another day passes, every aspect of my life slowly deteriorates, some faster than others. Education, friends, family...love. What am I saying? I don't even -have- that to lose it.

Coming in with best intentions to relax, get matters resolved, & have fun, I came out worse than when I started. Things never get better. Merely worse.

Tears solve nothing. It won't pass the astronomy quiz, it won't get me a shoulder to lean on, it won't...put a roof over my head.

Options, slim to none. I can't move there again. It'd be..a step BACK in life. Do I have to endure? Beg? No. Never

I hate this life. I hate everyday. Sống đang được giá trị nó nữa?

jj lin loooooove

"Bearbicks take a shit on my sofa.."

Yeah... but that smile can launch 1000 ships, I swear.

rejection

Tôi đau đớn. Tôi đang xấu hổ. Tôi không biết. Tôi không biết những gì để cảm thấy nữa. Tôi lấy một cơ hội, nhưng mất. Bước đầu tiên, là rất khó. Những số một bên thua câm. Tại sao tôi con số đó sẽ mãi mãi được một cơ hội giữa chúng tôi? Những gì đau nhất là bạn sẽ không bao giờ thực sự nói rằng: không có. Bạn còn lại nó đến cho tôi để có được câu trả lời. Tôi không thể tha thứ cho bạn rằng. Sẽ được điều bao giờ hết, trong cùng một lần nữa? Is it in the stars that I'm destined to be alone?

Kick in tears, give me reason.

word to the wise

It's not cold enough until you can see your breath

in comparison

I walk by a woman passing out flyers. She looks seemingly nice, friendly, smiles to everyone who makes eye contact. I get handed one too. Interestingly enough, it says in big bold letters THE AWFUL FATE OF THE LOST SOUL. In summation, it says we're all going to Hell.

I walk by another person, some white guy that looks like he'd rather be home sleeping or up to no good. I can sympathize. He hands me a pamphlet also. Turns out to be a Chinese restaurant's takeout menu. "Eat as mush as you can." Lovely.

a little closer to home

In the corner of my eye, I watch you. You're in my mind everyday. I wonder if it means something.

Tôi không chắc chắn lý do tại sao tôi muốn bạn, lý do tại sao tôi nghĩ về bạn. Nhưng khi tôi làm thế, tôi cảm thấy hạnh phúc, nội dung. Tình trạng khốn cùng? Tôi xin lỗi.

brrrrr rhymes with fur

BRRR! It's cold in here. I said there must be some (-shrug-) in the atmosphere.

Yeah...shorts on a winter-esque day. Not the smartest move.

4 score pt. II

Turns out it was about a time capsule haha. Go figure.






Well, I've got the present picture. Let's see what it'll look like in 20 years. September 22, 2028? I'll be there.

astro babble

When our Sun becomes a red giant, it will puff up with a diameter of 1 AU. In other words, we're dead.

fucking failed

I want to cry. Really. The tears aren't responding...

I fail in school. I fail in love. I fail in life. 18 years of preparation for shit.

What happened to that spark that kept me going? It's gone...gone! What can I do? Drugs? Will that make me whole again?

I don't know why I'm becoming the person I am. I don't like him.

Is it too late to change? Is recovery an option? Where's that rewind button?

I'm scared. The future looks bleak.

ready 2 rip your hair out?

So according to my Calculus professor, -- a short, blinged-out, football-crazed man that is always so sure of himself that he'll bet his house (numerous times) that he's right. -- sociologists report that college, after raising children & getting a divorce, is the most stressful experience of your life.

"If you don't find college stressful, you must not be doing it right."

I'm rather indifferent. I suppose it still hasn't clicked that this is the time. Bullshitting your way through can't save your ass anymore. Darn...

Haha I read a facebook status that said "My grades are slipping faster than the DOW!" Sad thing is, I can relate. Fuck.

in regards to my first...

How have you been? I'm fine. I think. Holding up well? I haven't talked to you in..wow..years. I don't plan on ever after this.

I think about you on occasion. I wonder if you still live there. If you're happy. If you're committed to another.

It's not that I miss you, but rather your presence. Things turned out so because of this. Because of you, because of me.

Did you trust me more than I you? I always had my doubts. Of course I was right. Now I wished I hadn't been. Too late...

Whatever the case, I wish you well.

You'll always be the first.

-hp

wrong side of the bed

Ever wake up when the birds are chirping, the sunlight beams shine into your room, & ur pissed as fuck? Foulest of moods. Yeah, that's me right now. And I have a lot to be mad about. Fucking roaches that need to be stomped. Trust me. Don't start anything you're NOT man enough to finish.

Let's see how the rest of the day goes..

GOLDFEST

WOW! What an experience, what a rush! My first concert did not fail to disappoint already high expectations. So much fun that it's hard to imagine what tops it.

Today started off interestingly enough. Woke up at 7:30. SNOOZE. Ended up skipping my only class of the day & really got up at 9:45. YAY to skipping my first college class to sleep in! *checks off on list of college must-dos* I still had to go on campus to go to a madatory TOPS meeting though. Man, the parking is horrendous after 10. I had to tail a girl leaving in order just to get a spot. Still far, too.

The meeting was rather redundant. Nothing I didn't already know or could find out on a website or brochure. But I did learn that in order to ensure your TOPS scholarship for all 8 semesters it is strongly suggested that you reapply every semester...or year. Not sure. Hmm.

Went over to Africa. Hung out with Kaylyn shooting the breeze & discussing a rather hindrance of a person. Once Adrianna got back we headed out to start our night on the town! Once out of BFE, Hello Sushi. Really. That's what the restaurant is called. Haha. It was rather nice. Went all out on implementing the theme anywhere possible. Sushi menu scantron? Very clever. Prices weren't bad. I want their tshirt hehe. Our waiter's bald head shined so bright I couldn't look directly or get blinded.

Adrianna & Kaylyn dropped their Jaguar label for a night to rep it up for LSU! Rocked that gold!

And now concert time! Initially, not much spirit. People just wanted to see celebs haha. Sean Kingston went out & rocked that shit. His bling was so big we were getting blinded every time the light hit it..again. Haha. Gavin? Wow! AT LEAST 12 songs. & he sounds just as good live as on his cds. Got a little preoccupied with his guitarist though hehe. Damn he has a wife & child though. We were so close to the stage! The pictures do NOT do it justice. Sitting down in the back would have been a completely different experience.

So to sum it up, at the end of the concert, I had an aching back, a sore throat, a trobbing right ear, & itchy eyes...& yet I'd do all over again.

4 scores....divided by 4

OK THIS PROBABLY SOUNDS STUPID BUT...

In the quad there's a fountain. It's nice but not that extravagant. L'auberge's is nicer. But in front of the fountain there's a metal plaque embedded into the ground. It says something about what will remain in that spot in 2076. I didn't really stop much to observe & study it. But it got my mind reeling. What IS going to be there? Will it be underwater? Demolished? Paved over? Or just that way it is?

Now the likes of me being alive in 68 years is unlikely to me. I'll probably commit suicide at the sight of my first grey hair. So I'm making a plan. I wholeheartedly want to follow through with this. In 20 years from this day-- September 22, 2008 -- I want to come back to that spot. Though possibly nothing substantial would have changed I figure, I still want to come back & see what remains, what was erected, & what will become of it.

I'm going to try to take a panoramic picture of the quad from that spot & when I return I to compare to see the changes & what used to be. Hmm.

u won't regret it

Study. PLEASE study. Please please please! Cherry on top! Stop waiting for the apathy to kick in!

--

"The moon had ducked behind the clouds again, casting us in shadows. "

Intriguing line, even more so from where I read it. ;P

swag = gold

So today LSU hosted a Career Expo for the students & alumni. I was afraid I was underdressed since it was suggested to dress business casual & I was just...casual. VERY casual. Luckily I wasn't the only one not dressed the part. They didn't seem to take me so seriously, though. In spite, I just grabbed a bunch of stuff of their tables. Not even sure what it was or the company promoting it, whatever I saw I pretty much took. It was fun. I filled up a whole totebag of promotional crap.
Me: "Can I have one of those?"
Random representative: "Haha your bag seems to be filled up."
Me:"My pockets still have some space."
-snatches & walks away-

They had some really cool stuff. Pens, highlighters, printer paper, notepads, quadrilles, flighlights, frisbees, A FUCKING MP3 SPEAKER SET. Amazing. I wished I took more than one. Damn. It was like Xmas morning for me. If only I took more! A few asians I saw brought their booksacks to fill it up. Smart move.

The expo was pretty cool & beneficial for what careers are in the real world. Oh yeah! L'auberge was supposed to have a station set up but cancelled. Whew! Now that would have been awkward. I didn't talk to any of the reps. Didn't even really see what companies were there. Noticed Microsoft though. The companies are mainly looking for seniors graduating college & entering the workforce anyways. I'll give it another go next year. Note to self: empty booksack.

gettin bak in2 da groove

Man, there's like 200 computers in the library & I practically had to kill to get access to one. Hmm, half an hour before my last class starts. I have to find some way to spend two hours of dead time on Tuesdays. They should build a nap room. Well maybe not; it'd most likely be used for OTHER purposes.

So I'm getting used to this life. Not that I'm satisfied with it. Wake up, drive to school, sit in class, go home. Not much social..ness going on. In fact, I haven't said a word to anyone today. Me, the man who will find any excuse to speak. It's my fault. I expect people to always come to me, to take the first step. Now I suppose it's my turn. Fuck.

I need to get a job. Anything. I'm getting too swipe-happy on my credit card. (Though I did get nice remarks from the cashiers!) Up until I was reminded about rescheduling my pharmacy technician exam, I completely forgot about considering that. It isn't required for you to be certified for the job within the first six months or so. In fact, working there before could get me better training for the test. Blah, semantics.



It seems the LSU faculty fancies the word arbitrarily. Well, if you can fit that into your daily jargon, be my guest.

Things I've noticed around LSU
~the urinals are too high....or I'm too short
~Tiger card = gold! one girl has over $300 on hers & I about died of shock.
~if it's not an iphone, it's a blackberry.
~lunch rush? Psht. Always busy. Never a slow period.
~professors are just as lazy as the students.
~the foreign exchange asians wear rectangle framed glasses. Some don't even have a prescription. How weird is that?
~smokers think they're cool. you're not.
~EVERYDAY IS SPIRIT DAY. How many LSU labeled clothes do you need anyway? All cars (including mine, hehe) have some kind of LSU decal.
~coffee is the new water.
~everything is overpriced. $30 for shorts?! Hell no!
~hard rock cafe shirts are a fashion statement.
~free newspapers. YAY. The student written ones love to talk about sex & advertise alcohol.
~what's with all the gray hairs?

There's other stuff too. More later.

priorities

They change.

....when worst comes to worst....

"As high as a Category 5, you say. Eh, we'll be fine."

I think I'm the only sane person left in this house. In this family. My sister refuses to leave. And while I understand about how duty to her patients, she won't even call her school to verify the status of her requirement to attend. "They're going to email me Monday." The hurricane is already going to be here you stupid bitch. What if we don't have power to check fucking emails? We've been arguing a lot over this. But her reply is always the same. "If you want to go, then leave."

I've been confused as to why I haven't left either. Looking out for No. 1? I....can't...leave. I can't leave her. I can't do it myself. Where would I go? This is the first time I've really had to make a decision as an adult. My decision? Well I haven't left yet, have I?

I was hurt. And I wanted to spread that. I told her that one of us needs to die so she will finally learn her lesson. We got into a huge argument & I said "I know which one of us I want to die." I regret saying that. But I'm not going to apologize. Never.

My parents are no help. They blindly follow whatever my sister says. I swear I'm the black sheep. I hope my dad will be okay. Fuck my mom, she's in Houston. She good. Stupid L'auberge. Calcasieu has a mandatory evacuation. And yet you still have not dismissed you employees yet? How are you going to operate without guests to play in your casino or sleep in your hotel? Even if he gets off, where is he going to go? Fuck, I hate Louisiana. I called him last night to try to talk to my sister. His dumb ass says Baton Rouge will be fine because it's always been fine. He's not one to believe the "what-ifs." I told him that was the stupidest thing anyone could have ever said. And that he was stupid. *hang up*

Then...I cried. Nothing to do. Nowhere to turn. No ideas. No backup plans. All I was left with was tears.

I'm worried. I tried to just ignore it, but reality is, a storm's brewing. Destination: Louisiana. This is real. Real bad. What's my outcome? I may be over dramatic, but...I'm actually scared for my life.

in my eyes pt. 1

"Dis water got more body den ME!"

Assembly. Fuck. Wake up at 7 in the morning after at most four hours of sleep. Drive in traffic infested Baton Rouge to LSU where there are fucking gates at every turn. Ugh, it's getting late so let's just park in the visitor's center. Walk, walk, walk. Where the fuck is it? Damn campus. Over 2000 acres. My feet thank me. Okay, I officially don't know where to go. Hey! A group. Oh well, follow them. It works. Get into a big assembly center. Maybe 3,000 people in here, & I have no idea who any of them are. I feel so alone. Let's just sit in this closed off section. Hmm, Pakastani speaker from England. Interesting. Start dozing off though. Random quote. "A-holes are everywhere." The author (artist. Good one Kaylyn!) is coming to speak in April. I can't wait to see her. Her book is very good. Lots of insight on the Middle East in comparison to USA. I met a Viet/Chinese guy from Lafitte though. I tried, happy?

One speaker said this book was a memoir of Marjane Satrapi's. In 2028, us general freshman will be the same age as her when she wrote Persepolis. Will we have a memoir? Will it ever exist? And even if it does, who will care about it. At least one. Us. She suggested to everday of your college years to document anything worth mentioning that you accomplished today. Anything in your day worth mentioning. That intrigues me. I might try it. I do want to write a book someday. A memoir of sorts I suppose. But I hate writing. But how else will people ever know I existed? That I felt. Blah, hippie shit.

Take pictures. Lots & lots. I want to see how your lives are going. A picture is worth 1000 words. I love taking pictures. Documenting where I've been. What I've done.

Man getting lost is easy. And it's so hot. I can't wait until winter. I love winter. Though the weather always makes me feel empty & incomplete? Sound crazy? Possibly. I walked around with a huge map in my face. I suppose people pitied me & tried to help. Pointed me in the wrong direction though. Fucker. Long lines everywhere! So not worth it.

If you thought The Fresh Market was nice, Whole Foods is even more extravagent. Even live music. Gelato section. No sushi section though. Major deduction. Water! Haha Kaylyn that moment was GOLDEN! Only you would get laughed at for being compared to a water bottle.

Class starts Monday. Am I prepared? Emotionally? No. Not at all. I miss my old life. I miss my friends. Them the most. I hope I'm missed too. This is what it takes for you to realize what you really value in your life.

productive is nice, yet procrastinate is just sooo much more enticing

So many things to do before college is in session. Most of them should have been done already. Damn. I just finished this mandatory alcohol education course online. Passing it was required of at least 80%. I got 80%. Whew, close. Has some interesting information about drugs, alcohol, stress, & such issues dealt with in everyday life. Oh yeah, sexual health. ;}.

I'm exercising now. Go figure. & eating salads. New Harrison? Scary.

So I got my TOPS stipend back. Total: $18.30. Hmmm... I'M PISSED AS FUCK! Supposed to be $800. Just how many fees are there? *sigh* That's the government for you.

Getting lost? Sure thing.

wait wait wait! okay, go!

So my next blog entry is supposed to be about moving to Baton Rouge & what I'm leaving behind. WORK IN PROGRESS. Haha by the time I'm finished with it, it wouldn't matter anymore, hence the Nationals entry. Anyways I figure something written is pretty productive.

How have I been? Roller coaster. Within 24 hours of moving to BR, my car was broken into & my new GPS was stolen. I felt unsafe & violated at first, but it's over with now. Lesson learned. Welcome to Baton Rouge. I kept getting comments that just made me feel even more down, except for one. Darius! Haha the first reply he gave me after he found out was what my car was doing at Southern University for. That really put a smile on my face. :)

Man things are moving fast. I have school soon. Not as soon as others I see. Mcneese, Southern, & ULM have already begun class. Aaron's in college before me! Man, old. I still have not gotten around to so many obligations that are dependent on me. Fuck. I need to find a job, finish the LSU paperwork, get a parking pass, get up to date on my immunizations, & plan out my California trip. Damn procrastination!

I'm really getting into the college spirit now. Buying my books was the initial step. As expensive as they were, (& they were!) I have nothing but optimism for August 25th.

I miss...alot. I miss my friends. I miss knowing my way around town. I miss..well never mind. It'll all be water under the bridge right? But then I guess there's no escaping it. (As we've all learned from Katrina.)

Thank you! For what? Who cares? Thank you for doing what you do so well. Sorry, I'm tired. I think the lethargy is hitting me right now.

PS! Hyori's new single is the fucking shit!

oh, bother

'Tis troublesome.

Don't be wasteful now.

Oh, bother. Why bother?

father son bonding

-Where are you going? It’s like, midnight.
-I’m going to the old apartment.
-Lie.
-What would I lie to you for?
-I don’t know then. Why do you?
-I’m your father. I don’t have any reason to lie to you.
-But you do.
-Like when?
-Oh please! Do you really want me to list the times!?
-I’m YOUR father!! I don’t have to answer to YOU!
-Shut up. Get out of my face. I don’t want to see you.
*door slam*
That’s how my father & I bond.

bring it stormy

Go ahead, finish off what I have left here. This chapter of my life is officially over.

bị ngăn cấm quả

Well this is new. Never have I not been able to get something I want. Plan of tatics? I suppose kicking and screaming is out of the question. *sigh* Those were the simpler days. Time is taking its toll on me. I feel things that I really shouldn't be. Lòng khao khát, sự ganh tị, lòng ghen tị, sự ao ước. How can I be stupid enough to fall for this? Harrison, you dumb fuck. Can I even face sự loại trừ? Too humiliating. And Harrison Taylor Phan is not one to have anyone get the upper hand. Never.

Why am I mad? Why should I care? I say I don't, but I really do. I shrug it off, thinking that it's a lost cause. And it really is. Too much baggage. I hate myself. I just have to get it out though. I'll never be able to live with myself unitl I can finally speak it. My own sense of closure.

But it's okay. Soon Baton Rouge will be your new home. Out of sight, out of mind. Has this logic ever worked? Will it now? Please do. I have no other alternative.

I love….

• Late night infomercials
• Free food
• Calculators
• Barnes & Noble
• Casinos
• rain
• Video games, not that I even play them anymore
• Movies that make me think, laugh, cry
• Childhood cartoons
• Cities
• Photography
• Driving
• Upbeat music
• Astronomy (don’t say it)
• The first day of school
• The last day of school
• Waking up with no agenda
• Showers in the afternoon
• Taking in the “sights”
• Inside jokes
• Watches
• Apple computers
• the cool side of the pillow
• Texting
• “going to Dallas”
• A good mystery
• Mosaics
• Midnight trips to Walmart
• Snow (though I’ve yet to see any here)
• Flying in airplanes
• wikipedia
• Dramas
• The smell of coffee
• The Titanic
• Malls
• Oscar & Vienna
• Catfights
• Happy endings
• Mp3 players
• Daydreaming (the only ones I can remember!)
• Mail with my name hand-written
• The Asian mindset
• Presents!
• Spider Solitaire
• Ebonics
• Racial slurs (asian ones, however, are just tasteless)
• Tbc…

middle of nowhere

2:30 AM. I drove around town mindlessly. Left or right? It really doesn’t matter. Left it is. Oh, I’ve never seen that before; probably never see it again. I wonder what’ll be there in 10 years. Late at night, Lake Charles is a ghost town. Ever watch “I AM LEGEND”? It popped in my head as I was tearing up the roads in my earth-destroyer. I had no idea where I was going or why. The point was that I just didn’t want to face….the end of the road. Another chapter in my book written. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not.

attention everyone, everything

I hate...so much right now. I hate you. I hate me. I hate with a passion.

Greed, deception, ignorance, incompetence, cowardness, passiveness, indifference, stupidity...the list goes on.

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck me, fuck life. I don't care anymore.

Where are those razors?

fighting tiger in action

Man I'm so tired. I'd go take a nap, but I'm sitting in the LSU library to kill time since I had three hours to kill for orientation. This MAC I'm typing on is nice, though. Two monitors, and it does that dragging feature which just astounds me. And I learned something today! Macbooks can right-click! It just needs to be set so! Damn! Now I should have gotten an Apple. Oh well.

Anyways, orientation has been long & mind-numbing. Lots of seating areas, I see. That's good, since after walking all across fucking campus I'd need a break. Am I excited for college? Hmmm...that's a very good question. It seems there is no stupid question here at LSU. Bullshit. But in regard to that, I STILL don't think the reality of this major transition in my life has hit me yet. Possibly when it's over the shock will hit me.

I think I only have to take four classes. That sounds great. Mandarin, Sociology, Calculus, & Biology. I think. Not sure yet, scheduling is tomorrow.

Man this blog entry sucks. Sorry for having to suffer. I'm so tired from only two hours of sleep. This world is not cut out for night owls.

Okay so maybe this environment isn't the hellhole I expected. Baton Rouge has some nice aspects to it. PERKINS ROWE. AMAZING. I suppose it could be worse.

Oh no, I'm growing up. That can't be. I just started.....eighteen years ago. Ouch. One gray hair, & it's up the bell tower I go.

high fructose corn syrup, best friend

So I limited myself to merely one coke a day (if any) or if I'm out being social or such. It sucks. Only step one of a diet. NOOOOOOO. Goodbye cellulite, I hardly knew ye. One of my most prized possessions, along with porn.
The sweet fizz of a coke. Fuck why am I giving it up? Damn you Rachel & Aaron. But it's for the best. There's more out there than food and beverage. ........ I don't know either.

nothing to show for it

Let's start over. Hi. My name's Harrison. Nice to meet you. Have a nice day.

No redo button? Figures. What is that word? Repentance? Yuck. Damn you cricket. Take your umbrella and go. GUILT. How abstract. Yet such the plague. I can't breathe. Pang after pang.

Tôi không hiểu bạn. Lựa chọn di. Chỉ chắc chắn sao cho tôi không điên. Rời khỏi những giấc mơ của tôi, những hình ảnh tưởng tượng của tôi, tim của tôi. Thời gian thật sự chữa khỏi mọi vết thương? Hy vọng vào nó.

Ghen tị? Lợi dụng? Vải láng? Chắc chắn.

stitch in time

why would it take a near-death experience for me to feel most alive? Is that why the spark kids all toke up?

wash away my problems

"OUT DAMN'D SPOT!" Go ahead. Scrub. It won't make a difference.


The water from the showerhead spikes into me, each drop a dagger. The water's so hot it burns like the scarlet letter. Change of pace. Down goes the dial. Make the aqua so cold it numbs my soul.

Okay, I'm a prune now. Soap, you betrayed me. How can I be clean when i feel so dirty? Pull the plug. The secrets don't go down the drain...they float up and haunt me.

Guilt. Shame. Jealousy. Deception.

How could I breathe? I would've drowned long ago with all this thrown at me.

I'm only one person. How can I move a mountain? Blink, and I'll be gone.

I shouldn't have said anything. Sorry. Ignorance is bliss? Fuck.

You, Anh, 您, Tu, あなた, 당신

I love you for just being you.

Because of you, I dread to sleep and can't wait to wake.

You're the stars in my sky

You're the yin to my yang


Smile, because it's just so beautiful on you.


Your grin makes me melt.


Don't frown; it's just so heartbreaking.

Your laugh is music to my ears.

Your touch is electric.

Now just one question. Who are you?

tick tock

The clock strikes 4:22 AM. Not that I can even hear it; I don't own a single clock that isn't digital. Go figure. Why am I still up? Sometimes the life of a night owl is rather mind-numbing. Sure I wish I could go to sleep blissfully and wake with the coming of day, but some of us aren't blessed with such benefits. Maybe if there was more to do in the night, well here anyways. So I hear in S. Korea many stores are open 24-7. That sounds pretty cool, actually. I could get something done to occupy my restless mind.

Anyways. So I got my new laptop. I'm so paranoid about it. Now I know how Kaylyn feels. I even wipe fingerprints and smudges off the front and screen with a cloth that came with it. Once I get something else new and shiny, I'll get over the laptop. I don't necessarily bitch to get what I want, but my methods of persuasion are really something else. I still don't always get my way though. Trust me, if I did, things would be a lot different right now.

Always on a deadline. Fuck. Even in summer I can't truly relax. A vacation sounds so extravagant at this point. Maybe a trip to Vietnam. Yeah, that'd be fun. Back to my father's communist roots. With all this crazy weather wreaking havoc on the world where is there to hide?

So my mom wishes she could get back together with my dad. No surprise. She always does this every time she breaks up with another schmuck. She's going through her 3rd divorce. Do I have any pity for her? Nope. She did this to herself. My father sacrificed his happiness for the sake of his children while my mother goes out whoring her life. Now she regrets it? Too damn bad. She has no idea my dad has a girlfriend anyways. She would shit a brick to find out that the woman lives in the same damn city she does. Maybe they know each other. There's only so many nail salons in the city.

So everyone has their secrets. I have one in particular. In a matter of time everyone will find out. I'm tired of keeping it. Let's just hope it's for the best these things are put out into the open.

Ne cachent pas de moi. Montre-toi. Je vais vous trouver assez tôt.

utada's off by 4 years

So this is my exodus. Grand? Extravagant? Larger than life? Nope. Quite the contrary. Something that I do find comparable is that it's hard to believe. No more high school. When will it hit? I'm guessing when I have to huddle in a huge auditorium-z's still in my eyes-with about 500 other freshman, none of which I know. How cheesy it is to be told to treasure today, for it will never happen again. Unfortunately, it's absolutely true.

Four years of my life printed on a blue piece of paper to represent my accomplishment. Also a miniature laminated card for portability proof. How odd. I have been through countless experiences that have molded me into who I am today. Some bad, some good. All memorable.

So Mrs. Fraser says that I'll never see my whole class together EVER again. That's rather depressing actually. Some will be missed. Some won't. Some more than others. But that's life, right?

Throw your caps to the sky. I didn't really throw my grad cap. Maybe like 5 inches in the air. Does that mean something? That I can't bear to get rid of my past, my attachment to this comfort zone? I got attacked by someone's cap though. Fucking ninja-starred it at me.

Done. Fin. Kaput. Time to move on. TRY.

nothing's ending, more opportunities are created

Okay, so my high school year is ending with pomp & circumstance. But what is really being lost? I still have everything I want. I have great, dependable friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. My family, however dilapidated, will always be there for me in any time of need. I have a brick that will stand the test of time on a wall of academic achievement. I need to keep telling myself this.

Am I happy? Do I have any attachment to this country, lame-ass city? If I left tomorrow, would there be any remorse? Don't answer these questions, we both know the answer. I promised I wouldn't do this. Damn. "Man I can't wait to leave. I'm not gonna miss crap here." I've gotten too comfortable. Why can't I keep the old and embrace the new? Maybe it'll work this time. Sure it hasn't worked anytime before, but how about another shot? So many friendships becoming a thing of the past. You'd be surprised how distance has an impact on any bond.

In contrast, what is to come can only be uphill. Get a new job, new school, new environment, new friends. Whatever you have to tell yourself.

The future, unpredictable as it may be, is something I can't wait to enter.

I AM

I WANT (within my means)
I FEEL (enough to be emo)
I SING (obsessively)
I URGE (for my way)
I NEED (more than I can get)
I HATE (người mê)
I ENVY (you)
I REGRET (too much in one lifetime)
I CRY (even when tears go dry)
I THINK (therefore I am)
I YELL (to be heard)
I MAKE (a mess)
I PUMP (IT UP!)
I DESIRE (more)
I DEMAND (equality, on my part at least)
I WORK (for monies)
I LIE (with Jiminy's back turned)
I WATCH (lots & lots of TV)
I ASK (dae?)
I SLACK (to my detest)
I KEEP (secrets I shouldn't have)
I CHANCE (on losing to brace myself)
I LUST (privately)
I IGNORE (though ignorance is stupid)
I BREATHE (the polluted air)
I FORGET (what's most important)
I LOVE (with all my heart)
I KNOW (I'm only mortal)
I FORGIVE (but not easily)
I DESPISE (physics)
I BRAG (but it's bravado)
I HURT (just like everyone else)
I PROCRASTINATE (so it'll never end)
I CAN (so why don't I?)
I CAN'T (fly; damn Air Korea!)
I HIDE (how I really feel)
I PROMISE (because you put your trust in me)
I LOOK (and sometimes touch hehe)
I SNORE (when I'm wide awake)
I LEARN (something new everyday)
I SCARE (in months other than October)
I DANCE (badly)
I AVOID (the treadmill)
I WAIT (very impatiently)
I EAT (in AP LUNCH!)
I STUDY (π)
I BUY (impulsively)
I DRIVE (like a typical Asian)
I STEAL (okra)
I FIGHT (to prove I'm not weak)
I GIVE (more than I ever receive)
I TAKE (what's rightfully mine)
I CONFRONT (headon with determination)
I SLEEP (in hope's tomorrow's a better day)
I FLIRT (not to all the wrong people)
I BITE (more than I can chew)
I IMAGINE (what is put into action)
I TOUCH (everything I see; some sniff)
I ARGUE (because I'm never wrong)
I INSIST (so just live with it)
I ASPIRE (to be happy)
I CHEAT (with TI. TI = GOLD)
I GO (somewhere I've never been before)
I DIE (more and more everyday)
I BITCH (to anyone who listens)
I PAY (the piper)
I DEFINE (who I am)
I JUDGE (and vice versa)
I DRAW (stick people)
I WALK (one step at a time)
I WAKE (with one eye open)
I SCREAM (to inanimate objects)
I PRAY (when things get really tough)
I SPEAK (assertively, I'm told)
I PLAY (sometimes by myself)
I THANK (you for reading this randomness)
I READ (closed captioning)
I DREAM (by day and night)
I ACT (a fool)
I VENT (so I don't explode in the wrong situations)
I WISH (upon stars, clocks, candles, coins)
I DO

spill the beans

secret - something kept hidden or unexplained....damn straight. Sure the term goes "Ignorance is bliss," but please. 21st century here.

Mother Nature is Pissed

Earthquake in China, cyclone in Myanmar (Burma), volcano eruption in Chili, forest fires...everywhere. Is there a message coming with these events? Am I supposed to be getting something? It's truly sad to see one suffer, but to look at tragedy and not be so shocked is just astounding...or is it? Watch CNN, and there'll probably be a report that some random person died in combat in Iraq today. Who really cares anymore? That's just it. No one really cares. I don't bat an eye to hear such news. Okay, so it is sad, but it certainly didn't have as much dismay as it used to. How do I feel about these recent nature-related events? Of course I feel bad for them. What can I do? Apathy rears its ugly head on the unsuspecting.

in the course of a sunday

myanmar cyclone, 42 cent stamp, mary poppins, mall of america, fish face dim sum, fafsa, invitations, pictures, spoken mother's day card, bei jing

All without leaving the house.

lost in your eyes

Blink, if only for a moment. Let me capture a glance of the lucious pools of chocolate.

sunshine poking through the clouds

Today wasn't such a bad day, overall. Finished my second and final AP exam. Sure writing three fucking essays straight in two hours was a bitch, but it wasn't as mind-numbing as expected. Had a good recovery with Mrs. Romero's treat to her dedicated AP students (and Garrett) in the form of a rather tasty lunch as compared to my usual nothing though I still can beast AP Lunch! Then off to Calculus with Bacon where last minute insight into the elusive bricks were revealed. Afterwards, back to Romero, but instead of the usual boring lesson, fun occurred.

future at my feet, past to my back

So one AP test down, one to go. Sure it was hard, but nowadays I'm expecting it. Not to say I'm prepared for it, but that's that. Okay, let's take a little nap. Wake up at 5:00 AM to study that prep book. Sounds good. -wake- 6:30? WTF!? Five more minutes, then the day will REALLY begin. What happened to stability? So abstract.

Related rates? Area between two curves? Newton's method? Sounds fun. Now I develop an idea of spatial reasoning. A little too late. Calc AP test wasn't too draining. I rather enjoyed it. Except for the failing part. Not too fond of that. English Literature. What a joke. Three fucking essays straight. Ode to jack shit. Sorry. Poetry is not my forté.

The more I think about it, the more that time machine sounds enticing. Repeat high school? Damn, why not just round it off to birth? So many mistakes to fix. Any regrets? Sure. Those who don't, well, screw you.

Okay, make a wish on the straight-digit clock. What was it? A good one? World peace? Aw, you lie! It was for money, huh? Strange how a piece of paper decides one's fate. Greed, deception, & betrayal: outcomes of monetary desire. Sure I make a wish for money, but not for personal, selfish crap. I want it so more important things can be focused on. Morals, values. So obstructed.

Speaking of which, if an injustice is witnessed, what should be done? Speak up? What if it's just none of your business? "Mind your own business." I only wanted to help.

In two year's time, it's Houston or bust. Why? Honestly? No idea. Sum it up to more opportunities. Another fresh start. Look back and learn from the past to prevent it in the future.

nếu người điên yêu... rồi tôi phải điên

with age comes wisdom

What have I done to be remembered? Stand out from the rest. Make an impact for the betterment of society.





What have I accomplished at this point? What do I have to show for it? No $100,000 scholarship. No renown college acceptance in Massachusetts, California, or New York. Bum Fuck LA.





I look around, and I feel so alone. Even in the middle, no one is by my side. Who can I embrace, confide in?





Am I too mean? Is that my portrayal? Despite your comments, no, my bravado isn't the real me.

....just take a deep breath.......

What is there to say anymore? Situations present itself where pretending it's not happening just ain't gonna cut it. Action must be taken. Don't stand there and wait for it to blow over. Do something, anything. Tears? What the fuck does that help? This is what's real. The real world isn't all sunshine and flowers. Grow up. Pop that bubble that you're just so comfy hiding in. Better you handle it now before something happens where it's too tragic and devastating to brace for.

A lot can be said about my methods of action. I'm not even sure why I do what I do at times. I didn't see it coming. I really didn't. Surprise doesn't even describe it. What can I do? What is there to say? It's always left up to me to handle everything. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. How true.

Pourquoi n'ai-je pas s'attendre à cela? Juste une ventilation en cours d'élaboration. Il ne manque jamais de les décevoir. Je mets en tant de travail et le dévouement, et, en retour, un coup de poignard dans le dos, une gifle au visage. Comment pouvez-vous faire de ces hypothèses? Ce serait un mensonge de dire qu'il n'a pas mal. Et encore, je l'ai fait. Et je vais mettre sur mon visage courageux que je viens de l'amour de se cacher derrière. Si vous deviez vraiment arriver à me connaître, vous pouvez voir qu'il s'agissait d'un pathétique devant l'attention. Ok, je suis jaloux. Est-ce ce qui doit être dit? Semble. Mais qu'est-ce que vous soins? Jamais la peine de voir ce que je ressens. J'essaie, je consacrer. Shrug off ma tentative de manière froidement? Il s'agit là d'une erreur. Rien mais les utilisateurs. Cela ne peut pas être bon. Si j'ai besoin de dire quelque chose, à quoi ça sert? Il vous jamais changer, peu importe à quel point je Huff & Puff. Bite the Bullet? Vas te faire encule.

Go ahead, live in lala land. In time, all will be revealed. I stay quiet about so much, yet only so much can be held. I'm leaving anyways, what does it matter?

from shivering tundras to endless space

So I was watching this documentary on the Travel Channel ---which rocks by the way---and it was about wildlife in Alaskan wilderness. There was a very interesting segment on sea otters, in particular. They eat a third of their weight in seafood. They spend pretty much most of their life in the water. They float on their backs when they sleep, fearing that sometimes they'll awake miles away from their original place. To overcome this challenge, they wrap themselves in rooted seaweed as to not drift off afar. They use their bellies as a tray, smashing a clam open with a trusty rock to attain their prized possession. Their fur is immensely dense, warming them to temperatures that we in Louisiana could never imagine.

What sticks out to me about this is how different their climate is from ours. How could I survive in days where the sun would not emerge? Though seeing an aurora borealis would be nice, withstanding a winter hitting way below zero is enough to scare me anyways.

Humans adapt right? They find ways to survive around their surroundings. Making the Moon a home? Sounds crazy now, but from what the news report, in due time such dreams will transform into reality. It sounds amazing, something I would love to do. Could you imagine, the sky, an eternal gaze of unreachable stars. I suppose this is my passion, astronomy. Supernovas, galaxies, nebulas, it just fascinates me. It's romantic to say the least; drifting into the unknown with no expectations, just fantasies. We can't be the only ones. There must be others. You're out there. Somewhere.

...say goodbye...

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but as the sun sets, new colors emerge. In a year from now, maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said. At this point, I really can't see what there is I was wrong about. Go do what you want, but don't expect me to just sit back and accept it. You confide in me, and in return, I try to be a good, dependable friend----scratch that--I was a good friend. I suppose this was meant to happen, yet, it saddens me the way it escalated. Feel trapped? Can't breathe? Go far, and stretch your wings; if you fall I won't be there to catch you. I'm sure you'll find someone else. To clarify, you already have, haven't you. On to newer, better things and in return, trash what you already had? You'll learn soon enough. Karma is a bitch; trust someone with the experience.

Each and every end is always written in the stars. Fate, shall we dance? I'm moving on anyways. Within months this'll a be a blur anyhow. New friends, new challenges, new experiences. It's always been that way in my life. Making roots? Please. Within time mine are shifted to yet another unknown. It's not to say I don't want to keep touch with those I've grown to know and love. I want to come back to the 10-year high school reunion saying "How've you been in the last week since I've seen you?" I don't want to lose anything I've worked so hard to get in this town. However, I'm just fed up with this. How we end up is in the air, and whatever result is just that, your consequence.

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny. I'm tired of always biting the bullet. Why subject me so? I know better now. With experience comes wisdom. Learn from your mistake. I did, right from "Hello..."

putdown

"You see the way I have been drifting down a river to nowhere."

Stop telling me that. I know there are much more worse off. I understand, but this is all I know; why demean that?

....unrequited? think again...

Another day to "X" out on the calendar..Rip the month off, it's all over now.

You're so real. You must be. And yet, to describe you would leave me speechless. I dream of you every night, fantasize everyday. The only thing actually keeping me 제정신. The other side of the valley. The farther I reach, the longer the stretch. Don't hide; actually, go ahead. Try. I'll find you. No matter how far, how long, you can't hide.

But then let's hit more towards home. I crave....logically it just wouldn't work out. That's why I say nothing. I keep to myself. I sit and stare. Staring never hurt anyone right? Wrong. It only drags me in. Am I jealous? You have no идея. Sure it could be nothing, just a fluke. But I don't want it to be. It was influence, I'll admit. Luxure? I would have never figured. It'll never happen. Merely, khao khát. Just once, & I'll put it past me forever. I hide. I shroud it in 闲置交谈..what happened to direct confrontation? Comprehending is pointless, so much to scoprire.

I'll never tell. My own regret. I've tried. Too obvious? It's possible. Who else? Just one, one too many.

You'd never understand. But then that's オーケー, because you have a lifetime to try.

i <3 apathy

I probably should be studying for the ACT right now instead of procrastinating with something not productive at all. Damn book cost me $30, you think that'd be enough of an incentive to read it, but what can you do?

I really just don't care anymore. "....& that ends the chapter...test on this material covered Friday." In Phan-lish that means "Blah blah I didn't teach shit but I'm still going to fuck you up with a bad grade unless you're Jewish." Quadrilles? Bitch please!

I seem to be dimming in all my classes lately...as much as I hate to say this it's not like me to do so. Why am I acting this way? It's not like slacking off means I get another chance to redeem myself. The end is near. I'm going to have to walk up there and get that fake diploma. I need more time. I need another chance. I do care. Really.

...at another glance...

So I watched that new movie 21...it was ok but the reason I bring it up is because they mentioned something I learned in Calculus...Newton's Method...It really felt good that I understood it...

It's just like walking in a bookstore, and you see a book you've read before. I don't know how to explain it, but knowing that you have some bond with that certain book brings about /pride/ or such


do u need help? aid? someone to talk to? don't hesitate. embrace this call. trust in me.

moving 2 fast! (stop sign?)

Well this past week has just flown right by under our noses. I blink and half a month is out the window. Didn't it just turn 2008? Too old! Quá Già!

Math Club State Convention was fun. A nice break from the hectic trouble I have to deal with everyday in Lake Crapples. Sure I didn't really win anything, but that's ok....well it'd be a lie if I wasn't envious of my fellows all placing in something or another...hohum... I'm really glad I got to know some of the other Math Club members better. Chelsea cracks me up endlessly, it's a shame it took until now to get to know her better. I'm also glad I gave Melissa another chance. I can admit when I'm wrong, she's not a roach. I wish I took more pictures, not for the next scrapbook (FUCK THAT!) but just to mark more fun, memorable times with my friends before I embark on a new passage of life. Maybe this will document my memory of last minute scrapbook creation in between burger bites at Southside Bakery, blasting other school's scrapbooks with Chelsea -LOUDLY- before she chose to scurry under the table to work on the poster design, kicking a retarded cubic piece of furniture (FUCKING CUBE!) which has NO purpose except for taking space, eating midnight Cane's/sushi in the midst of shanking due to Sweeny Todd's antics - one knock = all girls smackdown to floor...hilarious-, witnessing Tung's rant on the Thetas about hiding his Wii.. i.e. Thing v. Roaches, singing the lyrics of "A Whole New World" for those brave enough to publicly sing a song they can't remember the words to, combining laser tag with PUMP in a furious rampage, and finishing it off with a competition of crab-legs and Rock Band. I almost wished it didn't end, but then again, Kaylyn & I could always hit it up next year. Dance? Karaoke? Oh yeah...

As if State was action-packed in itself, Prom ensued surely. Sure I was reluctant to it at first, but no regrets now. I may have had some troubles, arguments, disputes, and incompetence face at me, but in the end, I had fun. It was nice to see everyone getting together dressed up nicely to celebrate one of our final random flings. It was crazy posing for 10,15 cameras like a celebrity. Good thing they just got me at a good time. The vest was pimpin. I wanted to keep it. Those shoes were murder, however. You girls (& Cory) must've suffered in the heels. Midnight madness at IHOP? Yes please! Prom was truly something. It has to be outdone, though, with our senior skip day & vacation trip before everyone moves. I hope everyone distancing this summer won't change anything, at least not for the worse. Things can only get better right?

Now onto my new job, or rather, my first ever job. I'm really excited for that. It's probably bad that I still don't know when I'm going to work or for how much. Fuck. I hope I like the job. I don't want to just be forced to quit after a few days; I'm not Sadie. Isn't there a job where you can just sit there and get paid for doing nothing? Oh, right, prostitution. Never mind.

I still haven't felt this "personal freedom" yet. I'm told once I get this job, start paying my own bills, and depend on no one, it'll feel amazing. Ultimate high. I'm excited. I just wish I wasn't faced with so many choices, decisions that will affect the rest of my life. That's scary. If part of growing up gives you these opportunities, then why does it feel like chores?

Confliction rears its ugly head. Actions have consequences. The past is...gone. Can I get it back? Come on, one more try..do-over!

-hp

ps..I know the first 21 digits of pi! So nerdy, yet I feel accomplished for it. 3.14159265358979323846! Booyah! I'm in the process of memorizing e. All I have so far is the first 10 places..2.718281828...to be continued...

(sigh)

So much drama escalating in these recent days... Here closes out spring break, and it has been filled with...so much...problems...so much....trouble..

I figured Spring Break would be a nice relaxation from my usual hectic life filled with craziness and nuisances. I could just rest adaquetely and do what needs to be done. Who knew things would turn out the way they did? One problem after another presents itself. Within the group drama reveals its ugly nature. After the whole dilemma with Thao I didn't figure this would happen again. One friend with a conflict to another, and I have to put things in perspective. I don't know what to say at times, I'm stumped. I only hope they'll put aside their differences and get along for this is nothing to throw away a friendship for.

Then there is my own discord with a certain person trying to invade upon our circle. I'm not exactly sure why I respond the way I do, yet here I am. I suppose I feel threatened by this, but if things are truly fine, I have nothing to worry about. I could come off as brash and rude, but it I have my reasons. I just am not quite fond of the bickering and baby-attitude. Don't look to us for a mother. I have enough trouble with my own, this issue isn't needed. And speaking through someone else is a bitch move. You're not that bad, but don't push it. I can and will handle this shit if I feel the need to.

Words don't seem to be enough at times. Actions speak louder? True, but what should I do? Break out the pizza slicer?

Let's leave this entry on a good note... I got my car!!!! Yay me! I can go anywhere I want without having constrictions set on me. It still hasn't hit me, the shock I get to find out I'm growing up. I bet when it does it'll hit hard. The car isn't so bad. I'll get used to it after a while. Lots of things need to be done to it. Thank you Chị Hai, I do appreciate it. Please know I am grateful for you. I do love it. Sure it has its problems, but it's all mine. I'm still not satisfied yet though. I never will be. Merely one step after the other. There is this Acura I'm scoping out. Within 3-4 years, oh yeah..

-forever hp

ps...did you celebrate earth hour by turning off your lights? don't worry, me neither, though it is a nice thought.

Pick It Up, Clock!!!

So here I am in front of my computer 1:42 AM, Sunday, March 23, 2008 waiting for something that has been eluded from my grasp for.....about 18 years....my own car....

I'm so excited!!!! OMG, the plan is to go to Baton Rouge Friday night and drive back to Lake Charles Saturday morning so my dad can go take a greyhound to Houston to f**k his gf...wutever...

The only damn thing I know about the car is that it's a white '99 Toyota 4runner. Why my sister would pay about 5 grand for a car she knows nothing about is beyond me...I just can't wait to get it though! Sure, I know what I initially said.."Nothing to expect, nothing to lose"...well to hell with that!! Countdown! 6 days that divide me from my joy in life....

here i come

So here I stand, (sit) eighteen years old preparing to attend class that I wish not to. Do I feel different? No. Nothing better, nothing worse. What have my accomplishments been? What will they be? I have no idea. I'm scared. Really. I have no idea what to do. But something must be done, I know that. Step by step I'll figure something out. I always do. If I fall, I'll still be able to get up. It may take some time, but slow and steady wins the race. Ok, off to class. More later.

-hp

newly old

Bay gio thao da than 18 tuoi...co khat ke di khong? Khong.

예이 한국어

이것은 필요 없어. 어떻게 내가 원하는 것인가? 다시 시도해 수 있습니까? 제발?

이 같은 학교가 최근에 나에게 흐리게합니다. 나는 걸어다니는 이와 같은 연무합니다. 나는가되고 싶다는 생각이 없다. 말해 줄래? 제발? 나는 휴식이 필요합니다. 시간에 일시 중지합니다. 마감일과 배설물도없이 진정으로 나를 괴롭히고합니다. 나는 내 삶의 희망을 멀리하려고 할 수면이 변경 사항은 아직 진행 아니합니다.

내 생일이 곧 제공될 예정, 제 18합니다. 나는 늙어가합니다. 사망률은 내 문을 두드리며합니다. 무엇을 할 수합니까? 영원히 살 싶지 않아요. 난 단지 내 인생을 살고 싶어 이행합니다. 나는이 구절은 18 년 후에 다시 얻을 일어나는 경우, 리포트에 어떤 변화가있다면 광산 평범한 생활을합니다.

lsu도 그리 나쁜 선택은? 나도 알아, 난 단지로 갈 수있다 tulane 으면 좋겠어요, 쌀, 또는 몇몇 좋은 대학에,하지만 루트의 모든 악을 때문에 (돈), 나는 참석을 위해 강제로 lsu합니다. 갈 수 있었으면 좋겠어요 캘리포니아, 뉴욕시, 또는 궁시렁합니다. 얼마 전 다시 시작하고 싶은 나땜에, 당신은 그저 모르는합니다. 아 글쎄, 이것은 주말마다 lsu 재미해야한다. 이겼나를 희망한다.

나는 음악을 사랑합니다. 내 말이 그 모든 시간 그러나, 그것은 너무나 진실합니다. 나는 놀라운 가수합니다. 그냥 세계의 나머지 부분을 설득시켜야 나는, 하하. 나는 내 베트남어에 대한 자세한 내용을 연습이 필요합니다. 나 자신을 관리의 측면에서 생각한다 나의 문화, 아직도 난 내 아이들에게 그들의 조상을 이해하는 좋은 날.

거기 있나? 어디로? 이리 나를 발견합니다. 이 장소에서 날을 저장합니다. 판타지 될거야, 행복합니다.

-hp

...on my own....

It would be exciting wouldn't it? I suppose it would be lonely, but for the most part, fun.

is it me? it seems i'm always wrong, the one that suffers

So it's been a few days since that huge debacle...Reflecting upon it, there are things I regret saying. I wish I didn't say things just to hurt, but what choice did I have? It didn't seem to faze very much anyways. Is there anything you regret at all? You don't want to listen to me, your own brother? If you won't listen to your own family, who can you listen to? Timothy's family? Is this how the rest of our family is so distant? They mind their "own business?" Isn't your business mine too? Do you think I don't care? When you told me you had TB, I was so scared that I cried, something I try never to do. You seriously think I don't care? I'm only human. You are so wrapped up in telling me I'm always wrong that you don't even realize your own faults. Maybe if you weren't so damn stubborn like your mother you would take it constructively.

Have we fallen in too deep? Is this seriously how it ends? "Point of no return?" I don't know what to say to fix our dilemma at this point. You won't give, and neither will I. Dad doesn't know what the hell to do, or maybe he just doesn't care. He is too involved in Co Phung to deal with his children. Disappointment is just a summary.

As remorseful as I am, I'm not going to bend. That's just not me. If we never talk again, that would be truly sad, but let this be a lesson. You need your family. I don't know if I will come live with you. I can't have all this craziness to happen where I am supposed to think of as a haven. I already have enough regrets. I just don't know anything anymore.

...i never finish anything....

..in hopes it'll never end...

me? no...dun b ignorant...

OK OK I'll play your little game Kaylyn.. Pay it forward much?

"Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("You're It") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers!"

#1. The unknown both fears and excites me.

#2. I would give anything for another chance at life. I regret so much. Do I learn from it? No.

#3. I can't sleep wearing socks. It's not right. It's like torture. Right up there with flogging and watching Seinfeld.

#4. My gift of song is most beautiful when no one is around to hear. Sad, really..

#5. Music should be a language. It just emotes so much better. Escape from reality... What would I do without music? It's my muse... at least one of them...

#6. I daydream all day, everyday.... I suppose it's to make up for not having imaginative dreams, or dreams at all..

#7. Trust me, it's just bravado...I feel, too...

#8. Is it that weird I'm allergic to peanuts? No I don't swell up and explode, but trust me, I am. And no I wouldn't like it if I could eat it!!!

#9. I like to stand out from the rest, but I try even harder to just fit in....

#10. Are the best things in life free? Let's hope not..I want to earn it..I want to deserve it..

Who shall I tag? Well if you're reading this, go ahead. Do it.

..chuc mung nam moi?....ok....

So today is the new year...lunar-wise....yes the Chinese New Year you hear it referred to...bastards...

Rather uneventful really. I should have skipped and done something worthwhile. Year of the Rat...Sucks that I'm a horse and that means this year is not quite the most prosperous of years for me..

I have to present tomorrow at the International Club meeting about the New Year and how we celebrate it..But really do I know anything beyond the food, fireworks, and li xi? What's the culture behind it? What does it represent and mean to a person living in the motherland? My perspective of it gets shrouded in American customs to where I see a holiday as a chance for food and money..sad, really.

So it is the New Year, and with it should come commitments, resolutions.. Do I have any? No. Should I? Yes. A number of my friends have taken on a soft drink sacrifice. Sorry, I'm not strong enough, I need some sort of crutch. But I should prove to myself I'm strong enough to manage without something that's bad for me anyways..

"Sống lâu trăm tuổi.."

...it's true....i'm lazy.....

Yay it's 1:12 AM on January 9, 2008 and here I sit staring into the vortex of Windows XP. My booksack sits behind me unopened, escpecially since I have my Calculus midterm this afternoon.