PHANatic

2010-10-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

It comes and goes, me.

2010-10-06T01:17:00.000-05:00

I can't stop. I don't know what to do.

let's go to walmart at midnight and get boxes for free

2010-08-05T01:50:00.005-05:00

I'm packing again. Joy.

It's not like I'm moving away or anything, I'm just going across town. I just hate having to pick up my life and stuff it into cardboard boxes.

Alot of change comes with this move. Some would see it in a good light. I'm not one of them. I almost had a panic attack when I first found out.

So here we go. A new chapter (sort of)

this blog is rant central

=========================

I'm packing right now, & I pick up all the study abroad catalogs. Who am I kidding, it's now a pipe dream. *trashes*

2010-08-01T03:59:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure what will become of me.

"but i already told you i was sorry"

2010-06-09T13:04:00.004-05:00

I hate it when people say "I'm sorry." I hate it because people think that'll solve everything, that'll make everything better. "I'm sorry I cheated on you." Is saying sorry gonna make it okay that you cheated? No. People also say I'm sorry when they don't even mean it. Are you sorry? If you do something intentionally, you meant to do it, so what does sorry change. Why do something that you'd have to apologize for later? And do you expect me to forgive you just because you said you're sorry? Guess again. That means nothing to me.

Instead of hearing I'm sorry, I'd much rather hear: "Hey. I did -blank-, that's my fault. I take full responsibility and the consequences that it entails." Much better than some dumbass apology.

2010-05-30T03:12:00.002-05:00

Wow it's weird how things can go from fine to horrible in mere hours. I'm going to bed, pretend my life is normal.

crappy or happy

2010-05-21T16:01:00.005-05:00

Stumbled on this today at work. Some of them are too girly for my tastes, but her mini messages are nice.

Her cheesy drawings brought a genuine smile to my face, which hasn't been happening lately. I've been putting on a "happy" face on the outside, but I'm really burdened.

I think daydreaming makes me happy. Dreams are great, but I can't control those. Daydreaming, everything always goes my way.

35 years later

2010-04-30T09:24:00.003-05:00

I think I'll call my dad later. I wonder what he's thinking today.

uhhhhh, shrugs

2010-04-22T00:01:00.002-05:00

This isn't working. I really can't stay like this. Everything in my life is getting affected. Something has to go.

i'm sitting at the wings

2010-04-07T14:34:00.003-05:00

It's a little lonelier this time around. Not the exciting excursion I was looking to. I could go around playing tourist with a camera at my hand, but I just want to sit in this corner and lose myself in another world. Clouds cover the sky, rain drops sting. I'm going home. In a way I want to be home already, in a way I want to go anywhere but home. Back to my rut, back to the emptiness.

My flights are delayed. Joy. I hope that's the worst it gets. No more continued delays.

~~

Some people are really mean. I only want to go home, don't be curt with me, I didn't do anything wrong.

To the skies

2010-04-04T22:24:00.001-05:00

I’ve flown plenty of times. I love it. I remember when I was a kid I lived for turbulence. That didn’t last. This is my first time flying alone though. I’ve always been accompanied by someone older, like my parents, to handle the tickets & checking in & whatnot. I don’t know why, but I feel excited. On my own. Checking my bag was an interesting experience. I really like doing baggage claim too, it’s like Where’s Waldo, but OH FUCK WHERE’S MY BAG MY STUFF WAS IN THERE SHIT WHAT IF IT WENT TO NICARAGUA?! Yeah, like that.
I’m sitting at the airport right now waiting for my flight. I love airports too. I really enjoy the atmosphere. It’s one of my favorite places to be. So many destinations, so many people, the opportunities are endless. (I’m typing this in word since WiFi is being retarded. Figures.) I’m in the “reading room” right now. There’s a kid’s playroom across the terminal with these arcade games, but I’m 20, I probably should just leave that alone. There’s also a smoking room that I wanted to go in just for the hell of it, but that’d be weird. Not being white or black, I’m already getting eyes from other people around me if I’m going to YOU-KNOW-WHAT a plane. Please, if anything, I don’t trust you people.
This airport is rather small, which bothers me, but at least it’s clean. I always like going into giftshops in airports, because they always have regional merchandise.
Speaking of small, my first plane is a teeny one. Fuck. That shit creeps me out. The bigger, the better. I’m used to riding Boeing 747s. Downgrade.
I think I failed my quiz today. Oh well. Everyone else sounded like they were effed in the a, so that makes me feel better. Bad grades united. I spoke to my advisor today. I showed him my potential schedule, & he shot that shit down but quick. “Statics, chem, math, & physics?? *click of red pen* “. Oh well, perhaps it’s for the best.
Yay for studs. Now to order the most ghettolicious blingified ones I can find.
My flight should be taking off in an hour. I wish this airport was more scenic though, so I’d have something cool to see. I like the New Orleans airport. & the Orlando one. I wanna see the Vegas one, I hear that’s really nice. Asian airports, *cringe*. Well no, I hear the Vietnam ones are really nice now. Still lots of FOB people roaming it though. Wait, they wouldn’t be FOBs, that’s they’re home turf. I’m the “rich American.” Ahah, guess again.
When I was walking through the security gate, I had to take my shoes off. I didn’t like that. I also had to take my laptop out, etc. Cumbersome. There was this really cute guy doing it next to me though. I wonder where he’s going. I wonder who he’s going to see. Hm.
~~
I landed in Dallas about an hour ago, & I’m not as fresh as I was going in. Subway, everybody there is Mexican, huge shock. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to say oregano in Spanish. It’s really big here though, & nice =] . Samsung advertising up the ass here, but it’s very technologic and cool, with spinning tvs and a devoted Samsung Lounge, which was awesome, yet abandoned, but oh well. The tables were literal ads themselves, with cell phone models placed underneath & illuminated. One of them was mine, so I’m a winner. No free WiFi here as well, I fucking hate that. If not for my phone, I’d surely be raging. And you know what else? I found literally 4 men’s restrooms before I could find a water fountain to go with it. I’m sorry, I won’t buy a freaking coke just to have to throw it away. Uh-oh, time to board soon, ta.

i'm going day to day

2010-03-31T13:24:00.001-05:00

3/27/10
I just walked to go throw out the garbage. I crossed an apartment with an open window & being the creepy voyeur that I apparently am, I looked in. There was a Happy Easter sign on the wall. Does anyone really care that much about Easter? Random.

3/28/10
The more I sleep, the more tired I seem to be. I've been sleeping alot lately. And in random segments, just how I like it.

3/29/10
I'm hurting alot. Physically. Emotionally, I'm void at the moment. I'm losing myself in dumb shit that in no way benefits.

3/30/10
Is this what the working world is really like? How fake & hypocritical. But I'll just sit here & wish harm comes your way.

3/31/10
Tomorrow! But iono, I halfway wish I could just stay home, or better, just go somewhere where really isolated so I can sleep, think. There's so much I could be doing right now: Working on programming final project, doing econ homework, writing a 10+ page paper for chin lit, starting this long as hell take home test for chin, & googling answers for phys hw. Fucking fuck.

"i suppose unrequited love is my fate"

2010-03-21T22:30:00.001-05:00

Like a snowflake floating toward you
Don’t hesitate, don’t stop
Don’t hide
I want to float into your arms
And become part of a snowdrift
An everlasting snowdrift

~Temptation of an Angel

110% !! no? how about 90? 75..

2010-03-03T11:58:00.003-06:00

You know the ones who study ahead of time rather than the night before, who read the book diligently, who settle for nothing less than an A? Yeah, that's not me. Not at all.

Unproductive is my middle name. I wish I tried harder. I wish I gave it my all. But I don't. I settle for what I can get at the very minimum. And that's not good. You never get ahead in life by sitting on your behind.

Oh, it was my birthday last week. I'm 20. Twenty. God that's such a weird thing to say. Usually people start denying their age when they hit 40 or whatever but I'm already jumping on that bandwagon.

I wish I would know my physics grade already. Something I feel confident in, he takes his sweet ass time. Figures.

~~
Jae's on youtube! My twitter is freaking blowing up over this. This made my day, really. "Beautiful girls, all over the world" = ]

what time is it now?

2010-03-01T23:05:00.016-06:00

I remember my sister told me her boss' wife cried upon hearing the news of Michael Jackson's death. She even went on forums to discuss it. Apparently she idolized him growing up. I didn't get it. It's not like you knew him, like you met him, or he sat at your dinner table. I get it now. I get the pain, the hollowness, the lack of closure. Yes, I do obsess. But I'm not alone. I'm only one of many. Here, up north, across the ocean, spanning the world. And we're all devastated. It's been like a dream. You never know what you had till it's gone. How much you actually cared.

I can't believe what an attachment I've built. Looking back, I sometimes wish I never jumped into this world, so I'd never have to face the dark, "scandalous" hardships that seemed to hurt us all.

I don't know who's scarier, sasaengs or antis. Both should not be underestimated, nor crossed. OT7's lives are in their hands. How are the members feeling? Which were genuine the whole time? 10 out of 10.

Who's to blame in all this? Leadja? JYPE? Fate? I'm getting a headache. And the rumors. That's the worst. Who comes up with such heinous stories, looking just to gain gossip power. I Hate You. As a bold aggressive forward passionate person I believe myself to be, when faced with this, the responses, the arguments, the opinions, I..backed down. I didn't want to say any negative words, I didn't want to point the finger, I didn't want to get riled up. Lost.

I know what I want. I want it back. All of it. But I'm a realist. I know what can & cannot be. So I want what 박재범 wants. He comes out, says he wants to be done with it, fine. I, we, they will support that. But otherwise, we wait. I'm tired too. I've already said Again & Again I'd give it up, but I keep checking in. I'm too attached. I need to move on. The world still spins. But it feels empty now. It feels fake. (Are you fake? Have you been this whole time? Right before my eyes.)

So what time is it now? 1:59PM.

=======================================================
I had this left open since the events transpired, but only now have I committed to putting my thoughts on "paper" to see how I'm feeling.

2010-02-05T22:39:00.002-06:00

I just wanna get up and go. Leave at a moment's notice. Destination, wherever I want. That'd be the life. No commitments. No responsibilities, if only for a while.

..I'll go to bed. In my dreams, I'm free, I'm flying.

the kindness of strangers

2010-02-02T21:44:00.003-06:00

Today's a hard day. I can't find anyone to talk to, to just unload all my problems, worries, blahs. Everyone around me is just so wrapped up in themselves, it wouldn't be any use to try. I want to see how life would be like to have family to fall back on, that'd be nice. But hey, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm what wrong. (No, it's them.)

whoosa

calculating simple interest

2010-01-31T14:57:00.003-06:00

There's a guy that sits to the back of the library, in the group study part. I've seen him here before, maybe twice, it's not like the library is in high volume on a weekend. He's really quiet, his movements. A page turn of mine could fill the damn floor. Today he has a whole box of krispy kremes, but it's empty. It's kind of funny to imagine he ate all that, but more power to ya. His laptop is a brand I've never seen before, but it's white, and I want it. I'm really into white lately...stuff.

Is it weird I'm staring at a guy? He's cute, I wonder what his name is. Of course I'd never have the balls to randomly walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. I so suck at life.

Physics, programming, econ. This is what I'll focus on. I'll make no time on thinking on what if's.

i don't even know you

2010-01-25T09:23:00.003-06:00

Today's a horrible day. I just want to crawl back into bed & wish it never happened. I feel like I've lost faith in my fellow man. I want to cry, but it'd be a waste of tears.

blur

2010-01-14T13:11:00.002-06:00

The days are running together for me now. "What's today? The 14th? Shut up, nuhuh."

I need to make this one somewhat memorable. I need to be able to go "Oh yeah, that's when ______ happened, that's when I went ______ , that's when I finally got _____ ...I need to be able to fill in these blanks by the next ball drop.

frazzled

2010-01-09T17:18:00.002-06:00

My computer crashed about a week ago, everything gone. I try not to think about what I've all lost, because it gives me a headache, no really, I get dizzy. I try to look forward. Except for those WG pictures, I freaked out until I realized I still had them on my camera. Thinking back to that, I feel..awkward. Actions & consequences? (7-1=0)

What have I been doing all break? I'm not sure. Random things, & at the same time, nothing. And now school is creeping up, fuck. Though I've been on campus all break anyway, so it's not a complete transition. I always long for days with no agenda, but when I get them, I feel unaccomplished.

I'm still so pissed at my computer. But I guess I have no one to blame but myself. Restore points! Must remember!!

wishing you a merry..well just wishing you an xmas

2009-12-24T20:08:00.002-06:00

It's that time of year again, when the stockings are hung, jolly tunes are sung, and joy is infectious. But is it? This year, it seems so humbug to me. I'm not in that united Christmas spirit, I just feel like it's another day, one I'm not bored in class or stuck at work.

With all the religious aspects of it, I find myself turning away from it. Timothy's mom sent me a card with cash in it, but when I read the contents, I just put the money back in and sealed the envelope. The money's tainted now. Why push your beliefs on me? How disrespectful is that? I'm not lost, or confused. I just choose not to follow any certain religion. Not to say I don't believe in anything, I just don't practice. Who is to say your idea is the right one anyway? Okay, getting off topic here.

I must be Scrooge. I need a few ghosts to come and show me what I'm lacking, why my heart isn't filled with warmth this year. But come to think, I can recall an unfulfilled promise I made earlier, one that tears me up inside. I'm sorry, you. I failed.

twinkle

2009-12-17T11:41:00.003-06:00

This is weird, but you know those people whose eyes just express any emotion they have? I love that. It tells so much without words spoken.

I also like people who have a great smile, a genuine one, not a fake shallow one.

So yeah, that's my random quirk of the day.

i'm over it, no, really, it's done with.

2009-12-09T03:53:00.002-06:00

Finals, both a blessing and torture. I hope everyone is studying more than me, that being waiting until the night before to pretty much crack the book, sacrificing sleep and sanity.

just tap 3 times

2009-12-01T23:24:00.003-06:00

May ngay nay toi da thay may nguoi vong day dang...ngu thiet. Tai sao toi muon quan he voi dam nay? Boi vi toi khong duoc gap clique viet? Trach nhu vay. May chuyen nay toi ghet thiet. Di theo vong may nguoi nay lam tao ghet no.

I think I miss how it used to be, but do I really? Ngay xua khi cho nay chi la cho toi thoi.

All this bad stuff keeps happening. Not really to me, yet I take it so personal. I don't even have a hand in it, but I'm investing alot of attention into it.

I miss her. Only today when watching the presedential address about the pull from the Middle East did it really hit me. She's really there, serving her country. As much as she hates it, I really respect her, that's a noble thing. Will I do anything to benefit my country?

Am I thankful for anything for anything this year? I'm thankful for..the kindness of strangers. And not even to me. I was reading this news article about a woman who accidently called the wrong number, thinking she reached her daughter, telling her that she sent her daughter money for food even though that meant missing a mortgage payment. The stranger was touched by it, called that mother back, and said she would pay for the mortgage and her daughter's groceries. I mean I guess that might not seem so significant, but it makes me put faith in humanity. I hope I can help someone like that someday.

I've been reading more lately. Losing myself in a fictional world. What am I hoping to do? Hide from my real world problems of course. Damn stories, it's as easy as that eh?

Speaking of eh, I just found out my professor is Canadian. I told him that explains so much jokingly, and he responded with "Doesn't it, -eh-?" Totally my humor. It sucks I'm only getting to know this at the end of the semester. Goddamn am I ready to be done with this semester, though I doubt next will be any better. Harder classes, different classes, fuck.

Yeah, back to then. That'd be nice. Toi mong tro lai ngay xua.

la dee da

2009-11-19T11:39:00.002-06:00

I'm at work now, but I'd rather write a post than actually do what I'm paid for. I actually haven't really invested much effort into anything lately, I'm do apathetic about everything, which I know will bring really bad consequences.

I guess one thing I've been keeping up with is music, though I guess that's just a hobby. I keep listening to ballads lately. Alot of Vietnamese songs are actually about sadness, so I wonder what that says about our culture. The pain of emotions, to put in lyrics and convey it is something special.

Okay: the future. What am I going to do tomorrow? Next month? Next year? I keep thinking about where my life is going, and what I can do at this point in time. But all I'm thinking about now is going home & taking a nap. Typical.

well, on the other hand

2009-11-02T15:32:00.003-06:00

Halloween is done, & I've seen some pretty comical costumes. I didn't dress up as anything, but now I kinda wish I had.

This has got me thinking. Villains. We all hate villains, right? With every hero comes a villain who's only objective seems to bring the downfall of the cherished do-gooder.

If I had to pick, I think I'd rather be the bad guy. People like to like the good guys, but they love to hate the bad guys. It draws you in, wondering what a villain will do next.

Anyway, I'm just at working, not working as usual. That's evil, right?

still around

2009-11-02T15:01:00.002-06:00

Ya know, in person, I'd have alot to say. On paper, on screen, not so much. Writing just isn't my forte.

..≠..

2009-09-23T19:30:00.003-05:00

If everyone is destined for something, everyone has a passion in life, well..what's mine? What am I destined for? What am I meant to be, to do?

So I'm sitting in this meeting for a club I'm not even in, & they start talking. They seem really engaged in what they do, talking about graduate school, and what kind of future it'll provide for them. So then I think about it, and how that relates to me. Am I passionate in what I do? Do I strive to excel in it? Do I know where it'll take me?

No. Nothing. Zip.

Math..I don't hate hate it. I can tolerate it. On a certain level I do like it. But I've reached my peak. I find myself not being able to put my heart in it. And I can't make a life of something I don't -want- to be doing. Where's there to go in math anyway? Standing in front of a chalkboard doing math problems? No.

My sister keeps telling me to do engineering, & the benefits are favorable. There's just enough math, but not -only- math. They make BANK. There's lots of opportunites out there for an engineer, the career fair had loads of companies looking for engineers. So the cons..I don't have one. Not one! The only thing I can think of is the building's far, and that's a shitty excuse. So why isn't it appealing me?! Oh yeah, it's alot of hard work, more work I'm afraid I won't be able to commit to.

I'll give math a last ride, talk to advisors, see if my opinion for it changes. But the thought of chalk in my hands for a living, that's just not me.

i love part deux

2009-09-21T13:53:00.001-05:00

~Google map's 3d feature thing
~engadget
~post its
~huli
~eating while watching food network
~that someone actually made a bronze statue of the shoe that was thrown at Bush
~bejeweled
~google translate

~5 gum commercials
~jansport booksacks, they know their shit
~Lucy. Anytime of day, I'll always be in the mood to watch that show

~yawning & stretching..it feels amazingggg

~karma..ahh nothing like getting your just desserts

~"stuff asian people like"
~oscar going beserk of a dog on tv
~that 70s show..the mom, hilarious

~the internet...3 things i check everyday: fb, porn, & wikipedia (oh yeah, i love wikipedia as well)
~Dat Phan..damn him, he's funny
~reggaeton.. -that- is the jam

~cramster.com
~dice-shaped beads
~hammocks

~ordering eggs over-easy..it's not even my favorite form of egg, but it's fun being the difficult one

~converse shoes, as bad arch support they are
~meat..yes, i know, that's what she said.
~225 magazine
~youtube hd
~hot chocolate on a cold day

~ratemyprof
~Nefarious purposes
~orange soda..not as close as Kel, though
~Peter’s endless fight with the chicken
~Merely clicking “L” for Louisiana
~fml..makes me feel better about my own
~Microsoft onenote
~phallic symbols
~Anthony Bourdain & Andrew Zimmern..for different aspects, though.
~Velcro
~the microwave ~“A Modest Proposal”
~Playing the drum with my hands
~Cheez-its

playing ketchup

2009-08-25T11:13:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been a month since I wrote anything. Damn it seems long when I think about it, yet it feels like yesterday.

What have I been doing all summer? Hmm let's see..work. Can I think of anything else? Oh! Wonder Girls. I totally met Yoobin and my shoulder grazed her boob in the photo we took. Ahh that's a memory to treasure.

Anyway, school's back in which is rather refreshing, but my mindset is still in July, so I really need to bone up on calc and such. I'm not so fond of the extra traffic, long lines, and..swine flu. I actually know someone who has it, possibly two. How scary is that? When reality hits ya, it packs a punch. I hope they'll be fine though..

How come I never have anything insightful to write about? Though when I was watching a drama, I started thinking about what makes a good villain. I mean, anybody can play Johnny Goodman, but it takes work to be evil, to make everyone want to hate you. If I'm ever in a movie, I'd totally play the villain, being the hero is so vanilla.

Yeah, that wasn't insightful either, but fuck it.

hmm, queer

2009-07-25T23:40:00.003-05:00

So I was standing in line at the movies yesterday, and these teenage boys in line to the left & right of me apparently know one other and are making fun of each other back and forth. I can't help but overhear of course so I just pretend not to be paying attention. Then one of the guys taps me and says "Hey, you see that guy over there? He's too much of a pussy to stand next to that fine girl." The guy that was directed to replied to that and said to me "Well him, he's a faggot. I mean it's cool that you're gay, but he's a total cocksucker."

...wow, is it really so obvious? I'm not offended or anything, I was just taken aback from their (dead on) assumption. It was an awkward moment.

But then, it was kind of interesting how they didn't mind if I was or wasn't. I mean it's not like I wear it on my sleeves, but I wouldn't tell someone I was straight (anymore). I suppose living in the south, I expect the general population to not be so amenable.

So yea..that's the highlight of my day

Giả Vờ Yêu

2009-07-08T12:07:00.002-05:00

Đêm chia ly, mưa buồn rơi héo hắt
Bước chân anh trên đường khuya hoang vắng
Bao yêu thương nơi này ta đã có
Chính nơi đây chúng ta xa rời nhau

Khi yêu nhau bây giờ anh mới biết
Trái tim em không còn như lúc trước
Sau đêm nay hai đường hai lối bước
Đường đi mới sẽ vắng bóng em bên đời anh

Lần cuối ta nắm tay nhau thì hãy nói hết đi em
Những năm tháng yêu nhau giả vờ
Mình cứ cố gắng bên nhau hạnh phúc vun đắp ai kia
Lối đi đến nơi nào cho chúng ta
Đành thế thôi cứ chia tay dù biết sẽ tốt cho nhau
Bước cứ bước em về với người
Lòng vẫn không nói nên câu rằng trái tim vẫn yêu em
Chẳng thể sống bên người như lúc xưa...

(an)other

2009-06-18T19:35:00.003-05:00

Why must I share? There's already enough I have to put up with. This is mine. It makes me stick out, makes it about me. Pick anything, anything but this..

yeah, this is crazy

2009-06-13T00:04:00.003-05:00

As of 6/13/2009 12:02:53 AM EDT
I am 19 years old, which is 231 months old, which is 1,004 weeks old, which is 7,034 days old, which is 168,816 hours old, which is 10,128,962 minutes old, which is 607,737,773 seconds old. In other words, I'm old...

why is incompetency contagious?

2009-05-29T12:17:00.002-05:00

Swine flu? Psht, it seems like incompetency is spreading like wildfire. Is it too much to ask for someone to do what they're supposed to do in a timely manner? If it is, then we're fucked.

HARRISON'S INFERNO

2009-05-13T23:55:00.020-05:00

My spin on Dante's classic:

*:extra hell for you

Facebook

people who update their status every 5 minutes (I don't care that you're eating spaghettios and are about to go to work)
people who become a fan of everything imaginable
people who forward or suggest random shit
people who upload pictures of the most insignificant stuff*
people who quote the bible

Hypocrites

liars
bad liars
adulterers*
people who say one thing, but do another
immoral people*
people who don't keep their word*
traitors (Dante got that one right)
people hating something they don't know
people who don't stand up for themselves yet expect it to be done
people who never give but always receive*

Bad Drivers

senior citizen drivers*
slow drivers
reckless drivers
drivers who don't let you merge
people who own dilapidated cars with nice rims
drivers with the music loud and the window down just so everyone can hear it too
drunk drivers
jaywalkers

Irresponsible, Immature, Ignorant People

parents who bring their children to adult places*
loud children
children in general
racists...to asians, anyway
asians who hate soy sauce
people ignorant, ashamed, or indifferent to their heritage and culture
viet parents who don't speak to their children in viet
viet parents who don't name their children consistently (no, you can't have all the children with viet names but one)
people who think cursing is oh-so terrible*
people who burst into song randomly
close minded people
flakes*
people who don't acknowledge the past
people who never try new things
people who don't say goodbye
people who wrap everything in religion
people who push religion on me*
PEOPLE WHO CANNOT HANDLE ONE SINGLE TASK
people who judge a book by its cover
people who deny the obvious
people who doodle on tests
people who don't do what their supposed to do
people who put everything off until the last possible minute
people who have their priorities explicitly not together
people who don't take responsibility for their actions
people who don't have an opinion, but just follows the herd

Bad teachers

professors that BUTCHER names (dan-TEE), terms (velacity)
teachers who just don't give a damn
graduate student professors*
teachers that don't teach
teachers that can't teach*

People I Hate

know-it-alls
people who always lecture me*
people who scoff at me for being a math major
attention whores
people who wear socks and slippers
people who have an iphone, an ipod, & a mac
people who go to ryan street high
the "what-if" people*
people who write checks at stores and make people in line behind them wait forever*
the vain & conceited
people who think a B is literally the end of the world as we know it
people who never face reality
people who order me around (Hell. No.)*
braggers
PEOPLE WHO WRITE CHECKS WHEN 5BILLION PEOPLE ARE WAITING IN LINE
people who love that small, crappy lake town
people who always go on the offense to everything i say*
a few of those lsmsa kids
people who think i'm weird just because i'm allergic to peanuts
people who say new orlEEEns, nawlins & baton rouJe
people who correct me!*

Yeah these are probably bad circles. They're not even in order or anything. Is that nine circles yet? Damn, just 6. Oh well, 6 is a Hellish number so there.

I just wrote this randomly since I stepped on the book earlier today & it came into mind. I'll probably keep updating this as it comes to mind.

~Divina Commedia~

fresh out

2009-04-30T10:22:00.006-05:00

Whew, finals: done. That about wraps up my last days of this school year, and in a way, I'm sad to see it go. I've had lots of new experiences, met lots of new people, learned lots of new things, SAW SNOW.

One major thing about college: traveling. "What are you doing this summer?" "Oh I'm taking a tour around Europe, I'm going to Australia, I'm studying abroad in China...You?" "I'm...staying..and working." I don't even plan on leaving the state. Damn damn damn..

Finals I am glad to see go though. They were totally ass-raping, and not enjoyable in the least. Yeah I didn't study nearly enough, but apathy takes over at 3 in the morning when you're on the fourth floor of the library on your second mochasippi remembering the dates and significance of each Crusade.

Freshman year is I suppose officially over. It was fun, I liked it. But hey, if this year was enjoyable, let's hope it only gets better.

get right

2009-04-13T13:58:00.008-05:00

So I've been told my expectations of those around me are set too high, for high expectations will only lead to disappointment. Though at first I pondered that it may be true of me, but then I had a thought. I only expect from those, what I myself am capable and more than willing to do. So why is it too much to expect this of them? Why can't I get in return what I so well give? Is it so hard to find someone dependable?

It's really just too exhausting to put up with. I'm disappointed. But I won't be spiteful now and throw it back, or else I'd be shafted down on that level as well, & then how can I morally put up with that?

Look, it's not like I mean to be a jerk, pick fights, or make anyone mad & hate me. I only act in a manner I feel most protective to me. If I do something that bothers you, I'm sorry. Really. I'm told I should check myself, but who would I be, if I didn't act in a way that's purely..me?

Let's call this a learned lesson & move on. Because I'm tired of being mad..

The ID(iot)

2009-04-08T16:02:00.003-05:00

My mind is always torn between spite & compassion. So far, spite's in the lead. I know it sounds bad, that one would be no better to exact revenge on another for the mere fact it would "stoop down to their level," but I really really want to! Fuck.

dilemma

2009-03-29T00:02:00.002-05:00

I noticed. I saw that look. I saw the seperation. I wished I wouldn't have, but it was just too seemingly obvious. It makes me feel like shit. What can I do to help it? Wait, never mind. I DO know, I'm just not willing to make the effort. I just want to tuck myself in the corner and hide, hoping no one notices.
I hate this. I hate me.

The security blanket: I can't stand it, but what would I do without it? It's shielding me, protecting me from what life really has to offer. But soon, that'll change, won't it? I'll have to face reality & all its not so glamorous details. How does it feel? To be on your own? Do I really want to know?
I'm thankful though, I am.

hey

2009-03-24T14:22:00.002-05:00

Man it feels like an eternity since I've written anything. It's not that I haven't had the time, I just have had other things in mind, shuffling priorities around.

School has been..school. Some days are fine & I'm like "wow, today's a really good day." And then there are those "ugh, I can't wait to get home & pretend that didn't just happen."

I'm always on a deadline. I hate that. "Yay it's Friday. Wait, essay due Monday. Fuck shit damn." It never lets me relax. I'm not sure I even do anymore.

I'm conflicted on whether to transfer or not. Initially, after two years of LSU, it's onto UH. Now, I'm not so sure. It's not bad here. Comfortable. But if I don't do this, will I ever leave? It's weird how I'm plannin my future semesters at a time.

Yeah. This is random & crappy. Sorry.

stop

2009-03-10T02:06:00.005-05:00

I'm really tired of this. Why must I always be shoved into the spotlight? God, I'm not even there, and my name can't stay out your mouths. If I've done nothing wrong, why treat me so?

I'm always finding myself having to defend me, my morals, my actions. Why question me? Do I question you? Why is it always a test? An interrogation? If this is what it's supposed to be like, I'd rather off being without. It's always "Harrison vs. etc". As many people that maybe be on the other side, my corner is always empty, no one at my back.

Now, I may not like to constantly stand up for myself, but I'll do it to the death. I will never let anyone have the upper hand. And there's no one to stop me. Go ahead. Try. You won't be the first, or the last, so just fall through the cracks.

Is it really something to ponder on why I don't go back more often? It is no home of mine. When I left, I didn't look back.

..I could use a kind word once in a while, you know..

[Oh yeah, thanks for making me feel like crap right before my birthday. Thoughtful present.]

midterms. not fun.

2009-03-06T02:51:00.006-06:00

Whew, finally done. I don't think I've ever studied so hard. Not even ACT or SAT. Usually when weariness creeps in, apathy tags along.

Of course it was put off until last minute..which in hindsight was not the wisest decision. But luckily, groups sessions actually prove productive (except for yours Kaylyn, entertaining as they may be!). Though we did often veer off-topic with random conversations, (jew-fros, a tortuous lecture, food, keying cars), a group effort works better.

Only late into the night did I look around and notice: I'm the only one in this that's not white. The whole class, vanilla. I wonder if anyone else's noticed...I don't feel uncomfortable or out of place though. If anything, I feel..unique?

I only got about an hour of sleep last night. Got back from the library at 2:30am, studied more until 4:30, took a nap, then woke up at 6 & studied some more. Joy.

There's this girl in my class who wrote a 20 page review on all her notes, & was gracious enough to send a copy to everyone in the class. I'm really thankful and all, but damn..do you have a life?

Delirious on coffee, coke, & cookies, I went to make an attempt of passing my midterm. Some things went pretty smoothly, some..not. Time flies when you're..getting mind-raped.

OH FUCK YES. I TOTALLY ACED THAT BITCH.

"..It was the best of times.."

2009-02-20T17:09:00.002-06:00

"it was the -weirdest- of times.."

Today has certainly been an -interesting- day, filled with surprises, odd events, & hilarious work moments.

Waking up to start the day off was brutal. I might as well have slept in until work. It figures that like, half of the student body skipped to start off their Fatty Tuesday festivities.

In Med Civ we talked about Vikings & their crazy antics, fiefs and their homosexual subtext relationship. Then in seminar, I show up late to be greeted with free doughnuts. & while we're in pairs chronologically setting up the Bayeux Tapestry, the pair next to me accuses me of cheating. So I respond "don't make me pillage your village! & key your car!"

Upon arriving to Chinese, I see a canceled class slip on the door. I'm about to jump for joy when I read it & find out it's not my class getting canceled. Fuck. I walk in, & the desks are oddly arranged in a circle. Everyone, rather than fixing the desks, merely sit down around the circle. That's the lazy spirit. Unfortunately, the professor stood in the middle..coming close & standing in front of mine for the majority of the time. Joy.

Work...wow. My boss took off today so we were all generally just goofing off, talking, not doing anything productive. We discussed everything in the spectrum: me cursing my coworker out in Chinese, old people mistaking drunk for high & calling a baby cute, but colored, & of course Arlene & the infamous crackhead moment. Then the receptionist asks me to stay late when everyone is gone to man the phone lines. I was in the middle of a "fuck no" when she says I'll be paid double for it. "Fuck yeah." No one is -supposed- to be cutting work early, but the president & the rest of the board is skipping Monday to go golfing (the most predictable white thing to do) so the rest of the staff sure as hell is as well.

I ran errands today. On a certain errand, I look up the directory on which room to deliver a letter to, & when I get there & open the door, what do I see but a damn cleaning supply closet. Real fucking funny. On the way out of the building, the automatic sliding door kept freaking out on me, not letting me exit. I was kind of hesitant to open the emergency door as I have had -previous- experiences with that (TRANG!).

Now midterms are creeping up. Right after Mardi Gras week, bam.

Lots more really funny things happened, but I'm too lazy to write it down. Ask me sometime. Today is something that is highly remarkable, one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. God, if today was something, I am damn glad I won't be in the state for MG.

...

2009-02-10T20:20:00.003-06:00

I took a nap today. But it was far from pleasent. A nightmare reared its ugly head into my mind. I had died. And yet I could still see everyone, as a ghost I suppose. And everything was..normal. Nothing had changed. So when I woke up and found out it was nothing but a dream, the feeling of worry and fear still filled my mind. What if I die tomorrow? And worse, what if no one cares?

wtf

2009-02-04T17:21:00.001-06:00

Really now, is incompetence contagious? Fuck shit damn.

merry -crap-mas!

2009-02-03T20:14:00.003-06:00

Me & my sticky fingers! I got:

• 1 beanie
• 2 cups
• 1 string of beads
• 2 water bottles
• 1 ruler
• 2 pocket calculators
• 1 powder brush
• 10 stress relievers
• 1..rain..tracker
• 3 yoyos
• 1 mini office supply kit
• 2 tee shirts, one corn-shaped
• 1 portable caddy
• 3 tote bags, filled
• 1 dancing robot
• 7 cup warmers
• 1 lanyard
• 2 Frisbees
• 1 headphone speakers
• 7 post-it pads
• 1 business card holder
• 2 headphones
• 1 mouse pad
• 6 notepads
• 1 pack of screwdrivers
• 3 decks of cards
• 1 cookie with a logo on it
• 2 light up bouncy balls
• 1 pin
• 10 highlighters
• 1 meat thermometer
• 2 mini 1st aid kits
• 1 cd cleaner
• 2 whistles
• 1 tape measure
• 12 key chains
• 1 staple remover
• 3 flashlights
• 1 tin of mints
• 3 suitcase tags
• 1 glasses cloth
• 2 letter openers
• 1 paper clip holder
• 2 magnets
• 1.. I don’t know, but it feels slimy
• 1 flash drive…only one! :(
• LOTS & LOTS of candy
• 1 logo imprinted cookie
• At least 50 pens of all sizes, shapes, colors, & designs
• 1 back pack strap
• 1..rubber chicken

Not a bad haul, but next time is going to be even –more-.

now's the time

2009-01-31T18:53:00.004-06:00

In recent days, I've had numerous..debatable discussions about topics all across the board: life, the future, religion, politics, academia, & such in the most random of places & times: at work, in class, out, online.. It seems everyone has something different to say everytime, & that's interesting. I feel more enlightened (& college-y) talking about my views on so-and-so & hearing their input. Sometimes I feel outshadowed by them, feeling naive & unaware of the world I'm in.

I feel so unaccomplished already at age 18. Those around me already seem to have done so much, experience various feats, been all over the world. My peers tell me there's plenty of time to experience, to change my life to how I want it to be. I hope I'm not too late..

I spent too much of last semester turning to the past, trying to hold on. This year, it isn't so. I'm looking forward with high hopes. Experience new things, meet new people, go to new places..be a new me.

things i think of in the course of a day

2009-01-13T10:23:00.009-06:00

~food
~homework
~the past
~the future
~sex
~happiness
~exercise
~friends
~sleep
~Oscar & Vienna
~boredom
~facebook
~class
~music
~leaving
~love
There's more, but this is all that presently comes to mind. There's three of these I think about most..which?

"can we bring yesterday back around?"

2009-01-09T03:29:00.002-06:00

I always compare my life to song lyrics. It feels more significant, meaningful that way. Does that sound stupid? Probably.

filling in the void

2009-01-02T10:32:00.003-06:00

My computer says 2009 in bold black letters…it's odd. Wow, another year already? Everything is moving so fast.

A few resolutions to accomplish:
New friends. Now it's the Baton Rouge chapter of my life, I can’t keep looking to the past. That in no way means anyone is getting sacrificed, but there’s always room for more, right?
Less drama. If someone gets on my nerves, I’ll just wish them a painful death & be on my merry way.
Be…nicer? Or rather more accepting, watch my sharp tongue.
Lose weight. Cut back on things that are –obviously- bad for me. No, cokes aren't getting sacrificed, but I’ll cut it back, especially after a Johnny Carino's employee publicly blasts me.
Find someone? I'm lonely. I want someone’s shoulder to lean on, content in the moment.

..yea.

--

I had to say goodbye to a really close friend today. It hurt. My eyes are watering as I write this. I don't look forward saying it to the rest.

hi

2008-12-29T17:27:00.003-06:00

Hi? Wow, original. I really don't have anything particular or interesting to say, but I figure if I keep writing, something will come to me.
....writer's block...

Here at Coffee Bean, it's rather dead. But that's okay, too many people annoy me.

Ahhh internet, sweet sweet internet. How I've missed you so. I always check 4 things everytime: Facebook, Capital One, LSU, & Blogger. Oh, & I turn on Megaupload to download....documentaries. Yeah, that sounds plausible.

I feel unaccomplished being here. I want to go -home.- Hm. In only a few months, a new strange city has already been adopted as my domicile. Though being here spending time with friends who I hardly get to see during school is much valued, I feel...unfitting here. Everyone is going on with their seperate lives, & I am merely trying to cling on, hoping for a moment of attention. I hate that.

I want "để tìm bản thân mình."

...it's lonely here.

ain't mah problem

2008-12-19T00:38:00.003-06:00

I'm pissed. & when I am, there's no leeway in changing my opinion. Go ahead, fuck up your life. And? I care why?

Okay. Get mad. Sure, you got a rise out of me, but knowing that I did as well is delightful.

When it all comes down to it, you ain't blood. Never will be. So I don't give a fuck.

done.

2008-12-13T01:15:00.000-06:00

Whew. Time to exhale. Hello sleep.

winter wonderland?

2008-12-11T07:01:00.006-06:00

I'm having difficulty typing this. My fingers are numb, & move..chunkily. Must be frozen, really. I woke up early to get some more studying done at the library. I walk out the door, & what do I see but a rather thick layer of white on...everything. It registers. "Oh my god! It's snow!"

A car literally skidded 3 lanes over to mine & almost hit me. Not fun.

At least everyone around me is marveling like buffoons as well. I should be studying. My final is in less than half an hour.

I wish someone, anyone, was here to share this with me now. Two guys in the quad were having a snowball fight. I want to throw a snowball at someone!

The guy on the computer across from me has specks of snow in his hair. I guess he doesn't feel it yet. *reaches up to head* Oh. I can relate.

Thursday, 7:07 am. December 11th, 2008. Louisiana. Baton Rouge. LSU. Snow. It's so weird writing that word!

I'm going to be sad to see it go. See you in...18 more years? Let this moment last just until you're by my side.

.....I just can't stop smiling.....

anh joseph cao is my obama

2008-12-10T23:51:00.003-06:00

"1st Vietnamese-American elected to US Congress."

That makes me really happy.

Once in Kinder, a guy walked up & merely asked me "North or South?" The nerve.

tick tock

2008-12-09T03:14:00.006-06:00

3:14..yay pi time. I'm a math major, I can say that without teasing.

My eyes have difficulty staying open, yet I'm not feeling so tired.

I'm watching old music videos on youtube that I haven't seen since my childhood. Damn you, Kaylyn.

Turns out I'll be heading down to LC much sooner than planned. Longer, too.

I feel like shit. So sick (of love songs). I keep coughing every 30 seconds. Blood'll come out sooner or later. After downing a whole bottle of Vicks 44, I'm still sick. Wonderful. [I THINK I'M GETTING EVERYONE AROUND ME SICK. SORRY GUYS, BUT THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO PASS IT ON.]

Yeah, okay, finals are coming up. I haven't really studied yet. I need to. CC's coffee? Yucky. Highland Coffee? Eww. Charlie's Coffee? YUM.

Yeah okay, this is starting to sound alot like your newest blog entry, Rachel. This "freshman experience?" I don't think I've experienced the full effect, & that saddens me. I do think that this college experience has hit me though. In random moments. Crashing in the union between classes, waking up on the floor of a friend's apartment after a rowdy night, skipping...just for the hell of it. Okay well that one happened in high school too. I'm rather happy with this BR life though. Though I miss my friends terribly, I like it here. I like the atmosphere. Though any place other than LC, I'd be happy haha.

bleh

you, the hypocrite

2008-12-03T10:03:00.004-06:00

You see someone taking their damn sweet time passing the crosswalk. Fury boils while you sit in your car, contemplating if you could get away with running them over. "Don't give me that smirk! You could be a fly on the windshield by now."

But now it's your turn. Park the car. Get out, & walk to class. Now YOU walk across the street, & this bastard in his used, American car gives you an ugly glare. "Please, like YOU'RE so important, a few seconds will kill ya.

Weren't you just that person in the car, evil-eyeing the pedestrian? Shaaaame.

...

These "implicit social norms." It's not common procedure to talk, or even make eye contact with the guy peeing next to you. But who told when you were growing up "Hey, when you use the urinal, DON'T TALK TO THE GUY NEXT TO YOU. IT'S WEIRD."

Social psychology seems interesting. Take the course? Nahh.

call it in the air

2008-12-03T00:46:00.004-06:00

Let's flip a coin. Heads: I leave things the way they are. Tails: Complete do-over. Aw shit, it's a two-headed coin.

Weed out the unnecessary, the rubbish. What's more trouble than it's worth, to hell with it. WILL it get better in time? ....damn crutch term. You mean so much in 3 monosyllabic words.

I do love this weather. The cold. A breeze, perfection. Sure enough, we'll have another hot flash by January.

Thanksgiving at my back, Christmas at my feet. Time needs to stop. I need a breather. Just time to...sleep. Sleep, wake, eat, slack, & sleep once again. Rich people have the life.

Finals, finals, finals. Fuck, fuck, fuck. J'ai besoin etudier. 现在. Ngu.

i love being right

2008-11-25T02:51:00.003-06:00

nothing is more satisfying than an i told you so. It's not my fault I'm a sensable person

why so?

2008-11-24T22:52:00.006-06:00

I hate this. Times have surely changed. And there's no helping it. But you're right. It IS time to move on. Time to leave the past behind. Stick with those still worth being around. Scrap the unnecessary. I don't know. If only I used it as a crutch term this time...

Is it me? I mean, it can't be everyone else. So it must be me. I'm the one that can't go with the flow. But then again, that's nature, that things change. Pause a moment in time, so I can cherish it once more. "Just one more time, baby, just one more time."

another sleepless night

2008-11-18T23:00:00.004-06:00

I find myself still up. It's late...well not for me, but if I were a regular person it'd be. I should be going to bed. Homework sits on my bed, opened, yet unfinished. Typical.

But there is a New Year's resolution in mind: to study more, harder....(at all.) Do whatever it takes. So that means the library/Starbucks is second home. I've already started, sort of. I wonder how finals are going to be...I hear VERY stressing. Lovely.

I keep listening to JJ Lin. Especially a certain song, 小酒窝 or Small Dimples. It entrances me. So melodic. "Every night, I can't sleep... I keep thinking of your smile."

Tại sao tôi không thể ghi bất cứ điều gì tốt không?! Tôi suck suck suck!

to fill da void

2008-11-15T00:15:00.002-06:00

Yea... Nothing comes to mind as a good blog entry.

So I took another survey to be unique *cough* kaylyn & rachel *cough*

23 Deep Questions

Take this survey
1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
I’d say telling sum1 how u feel because it makes me feel vulnerable

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
ummm dis morning haha. @ mahself tho 4 not getting up earli 2 study.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
wow….i have no idea. I can’t think of any1. Datz kinda depressin.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
b happy

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love.
trust. Love can build off it.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you’re fired. Do you save the dog?
I’d…..try. If mah boss is dat much of an asshole, o well. I’ll find sum other job.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
No I haven’t but I would 4 sexual favors! Haha jk, or am i?

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
ahhh dis damn question! I’m kinda leanin towards no, but dat sounds SOOO bad.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
4 sho! I’m fuckin phantastik!

10. Does sex=love?
No

11. Are you old fashioned?
not realli

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
argh! Um…..no? yes? I dunno! Y da fuck am I taking dis?!

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
dat u dun luv dem bak

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
vision, hearing

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
motherfuck. Rather recent

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
study harder, not procrastinate

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
…..i dun lyke mah initial answer

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
yea

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
baby

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
a few weeks ago, but it blew up in mah face
If You had three months to live:
21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
sum peepl, not jux gonna advertise it

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
travel

23. Would you be afraid?
deathly (haha irony)

Thanks Duong Trieu Vu!

this life i know...

2008-11-03T09:12:00.003-06:00

I can't breathe anymore, too overwhelming. I want it to be over with, everything to end.

As another day passes, every aspect of my life slowly deteriorates, some faster than others. Education, friends, family...love. What am I saying? I don't even -have- that to lose it.

Coming in with best intentions to relax, get matters resolved, & have fun, I came out worse than when I started. Things never get better. Merely worse.

Tears solve nothing. It won't pass the astronomy quiz, it won't get me a shoulder to lean on, it won't...put a roof over my head.

Options, slim to none. I can't move there again. It'd be..a step BACK in life. Do I have to endure? Beg? No. Never

I hate this life. I hate everyday. Sống đang được giá trị nó nữa?

jj lin loooooove

2008-10-27T00:22:00.002-05:00

"Bearbicks take a shit on my sofa.."

Yeah... but that smile can launch 1000 ships, I swear.

rejection

2008-10-23T23:10:00.002-05:00

Tôi đau đớn. Tôi đang xấu hổ. Tôi không biết. Tôi không biết những gì để cảm thấy nữa. Tôi lấy một cơ hội, nhưng mất. Bước đầu tiên, là rất khó. Những số một bên thua câm. Tại sao tôi con số đó sẽ mãi mãi được một cơ hội giữa chúng tôi? Những gì đau nhất là bạn sẽ không bao giờ thực sự nói rằng: không có. Bạn còn lại nó đến cho tôi để có được câu trả lời. Tôi không thể tha thứ cho bạn rằng. Sẽ được điều bao giờ hết, trong cùng một lần nữa? Is it in the stars that I'm destined to be alone?

Kick in tears, give me reason.

word to the wise

2008-10-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

It's not cold enough until you can see your breath

in comparison

2008-10-22T02:02:00.003-05:00

I walk by a woman passing out flyers. She looks seemingly nice, friendly, smiles to everyone who makes eye contact. I get handed one too. Interestingly enough, it says in big bold letters THE AWFUL FATE OF THE LOST SOUL. In summation, it says we're all going to Hell.

I walk by another person, some white guy that looks like he'd rather be home sleeping or up to no good. I can sympathize. He hands me a pamphlet also. Turns out to be a Chinese restaurant's takeout menu. "Eat as mush as you can." Lovely.

a little closer to home

2008-10-21T11:19:00.005-05:00

In the corner of my eye, I watch you. You're in my mind everyday. I wonder if it means something.

Tôi không chắc chắn lý do tại sao tôi muốn bạn, lý do tại sao tôi nghĩ về bạn. Nhưng khi tôi làm thế, tôi cảm thấy hạnh phúc, nội dung. Tình trạng khốn cùng? Tôi xin lỗi.

brrrrr rhymes with fur

2008-10-20T09:43:00.002-05:00

BRRR! It's cold in here. I said there must be some (-shrug-) in the atmosphere.

Yeah...shorts on a winter-esque day. Not the smartest move.

4 score pt. II

2008-10-13T18:40:00.005-05:00

Turns out it was about a time capsule haha. Go figure.

Well, I've got the present picture. Let's see what it'll look like in 20 years. September 22, 2028? I'll be there.

astro babble

2008-10-08T13:11:00.002-05:00

When our Sun becomes a red giant, it will puff up with a diameter of 1 AU. In other words, we're dead.

fucking failed

2008-10-06T23:33:00.004-05:00

I want to cry. Really. The tears aren't responding...

I fail in school. I fail in love. I fail in life. 18 years of preparation for shit.

What happened to that spark that kept me going? It's gone...gone! What can I do? Drugs? Will that make me whole again?

I don't know why I'm becoming the person I am. I don't like him.

Is it too late to change? Is recovery an option? Where's that rewind button?

I'm scared. The future looks bleak.

ready 2 rip your hair out?

2008-10-02T16:17:00.004-05:00

So according to my Calculus professor, -- a short, blinged-out, football-crazed man that is always so sure of himself that he'll bet his house (numerous times) that he's right. -- sociologists report that college, after raising children & getting a divorce, is the most stressful experience of your life.

"If you don't find college stressful, you must not be doing it right."

I'm rather indifferent. I suppose it still hasn't clicked that this is the time. Bullshitting your way through can't save your ass anymore. Darn...

Haha I read a facebook status that said "My grades are slipping faster than the DOW!" Sad thing is, I can relate. Fuck.

in regards to my first...

2008-10-01T20:41:00.004-05:00

How have you been? I'm fine. I think. Holding up well? I haven't talked to you in..wow..years. I don't plan on ever after this.

I think about you on occasion. I wonder if you still live there. If you're happy. If you're committed to another.

It's not that I miss you, but rather your presence. Things turned out so because of this. Because of you, because of me.

Did you trust me more than I you? I always had my doubts. Of course I was right. Now I wished I hadn't been. Too late...

Whatever the case, I wish you well.

You'll always be the first.

-hp

wrong side of the bed

2008-09-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

Ever wake up when the birds are chirping, the sunlight beams shine into your room, & ur pissed as fuck? Foulest of moods. Yeah, that's me right now. And I have a lot to be mad about. Fucking roaches that need to be stomped. Trust me. Don't start anything you're NOT man enough to finish.

Let's see how the rest of the day goes..

GOLDFEST

2008-09-26T00:18:00.005-05:00

WOW! What an experience, what a rush! My first concert did not fail to disappoint already high expectations. So much fun that it's hard to imagine what tops it.

Today started off interestingly enough. Woke up at 7:30. SNOOZE. Ended up skipping my only class of the day & really got up at 9:45. YAY to skipping my first college class to sleep in! *checks off on list of college must-dos* I still had to go on campus to go to a madatory TOPS meeting though. Man, the parking is horrendous after 10. I had to tail a girl leaving in order just to get a spot. Still far, too.

The meeting was rather redundant. Nothing I didn't already know or could find out on a website or brochure. But I did learn that in order to ensure your TOPS scholarship for all 8 semesters it is strongly suggested that you reapply every semester...or year. Not sure. Hmm.

Went over to Africa. Hung out with Kaylyn shooting the breeze & discussing a rather hindrance of a person. Once Adrianna got back we headed out to start our night on the town! Once out of BFE, Hello Sushi. Really. That's what the restaurant is called. Haha. It was rather nice. Went all out on implementing the theme anywhere possible. Sushi menu scantron? Very clever. Prices weren't bad. I want their tshirt hehe. Our waiter's bald head shined so bright I couldn't look directly or get blinded.

Adrianna & Kaylyn dropped their Jaguar label for a night to rep it up for LSU! Rocked that gold!

And now concert time! Initially, not much spirit. People just wanted to see celebs haha. Sean Kingston went out & rocked that shit. His bling was so big we were getting blinded every time the light hit it..again. Haha. Gavin? Wow! AT LEAST 12 songs. & he sounds just as good live as on his cds. Got a little preoccupied with his guitarist though hehe. Damn he has a wife & child though. We were so close to the stage! The pictures do NOT do it justice. Sitting down in the back would have been a completely different experience.

So to sum it up, at the end of the concert, I had an aching back, a sore throat, a trobbing right ear, & itchy eyes...& yet I'd do all over again.

4 scores....divided by 4

2008-09-22T11:15:00.002-05:00

OK THIS PROBABLY SOUNDS STUPID BUT...

In the quad there's a fountain. It's nice but not that extravagant. L'auberge's is nicer. But in front of the fountain there's a metal plaque embedded into the ground. It says something about what will remain in that spot in 2076. I didn't really stop much to observe & study it. But it got my mind reeling. What IS going to be there? Will it be underwater? Demolished? Paved over? Or just that way it is?

Now the likes of me being alive in 68 years is unlikely to me. I'll probably commit suicide at the sight of my first grey hair. So I'm making a plan. I wholeheartedly want to follow through with this. In 20 years from this day-- September 22, 2008 -- I want to come back to that spot. Though possibly nothing substantial would have changed I figure, I still want to come back & see what remains, what was erected, & what will become of it.

I'm going to try to take a panoramic picture of the quad from that spot & when I return I to compare to see the changes & what used to be. Hmm.

u won't regret it

2008-09-21T23:17:00.002-05:00

Study. PLEASE study. Please please please! Cherry on top! Stop waiting for the apathy to kick in!

--

"The moon had ducked behind the clouds again, casting us in shadows. "

Intriguing line, even more so from where I read it. ;P

swag = gold

2008-09-16T23:29:00.004-05:00

So today LSU hosted a Career Expo for the students & alumni. I was afraid I was underdressed since it was suggested to dress business casual & I was just...casual. VERY casual. Luckily I wasn't the only one not dressed the part. They didn't seem to take me so seriously, though. In spite, I just grabbed a bunch of stuff of their tables. Not even sure what it was or the company promoting it, whatever I saw I pretty much took. It was fun. I filled up a whole totebag of promotional crap.
Me: "Can I have one of those?"
Random representative: "Haha your bag seems to be filled up."
Me:"My pockets still have some space."
-snatches & walks away-

They had some really cool stuff. Pens, highlighters, printer paper, notepads, quadrilles, flighlights, frisbees, A FUCKING MP3 SPEAKER SET. Amazing. I wished I took more than one. Damn. It was like Xmas morning for me. If only I took more! A few asians I saw brought their booksacks to fill it up. Smart move.

The expo was pretty cool & beneficial for what careers are in the real world. Oh yeah! L'auberge was supposed to have a station set up but cancelled. Whew! Now that would have been awkward. I didn't talk to any of the reps. Didn't even really see what companies were there. Noticed Microsoft though. The companies are mainly looking for seniors graduating college & entering the workforce anyways. I'll give it another go next year. Note to self: empty booksack.

gettin bak in2 da groove

2008-09-09T11:00:00.009-05:00

Man, there's like 200 computers in the library & I practically had to kill to get access to one. Hmm, half an hour before my last class starts. I have to find some way to spend two hours of dead time on Tuesdays. They should build a nap room. Well maybe not; it'd most likely be used for OTHER purposes.

So I'm getting used to this life. Not that I'm satisfied with it. Wake up, drive to school, sit in class, go home. Not much social..ness going on. In fact, I haven't said a word to anyone today. Me, the man who will find any excuse to speak. It's my fault. I expect people to always come to me, to take the first step. Now I suppose it's my turn. Fuck.

I need to get a job. Anything. I'm getting too swipe-happy on my credit card. (Though I did get nice remarks from the cashiers!) Up until I was reminded about rescheduling my pharmacy technician exam, I completely forgot about considering that. It isn't required for you to be certified for the job within the first six months or so. In fact, working there before could get me better training for the test. Blah, semantics.

It seems the LSU faculty fancies the word arbitrarily. Well, if you can fit that into your daily jargon, be my guest.

Things I've noticed around LSU
~the urinals are too high....or I'm too short
~Tiger card = gold! one girl has over $300 on hers & I about died of shock.
~if it's not an iphone, it's a blackberry.
~lunch rush? Psht. Always busy. Never a slow period.
~professors are just as lazy as the students.
~the foreign exchange asians wear rectangle framed glasses. Some don't even have a prescription. How weird is that?
~smokers think they're cool. you're not.
~EVERYDAY IS SPIRIT DAY. How many LSU labeled clothes do you need anyway? All cars (including mine, hehe) have some kind of LSU decal.
~coffee is the new water.
~everything is overpriced. $30 for shorts?! Hell no!
~hard rock cafe shirts are a fashion statement.
~free newspapers. YAY. The student written ones love to talk about sex & advertise alcohol.
~what's with all the gray hairs?

There's other stuff too. More later.

priorities

2008-09-03T19:26:00.000-05:00

They change.

....when worst comes to worst....

2008-08-31T10:53:00.003-05:00

"As high as a Category 5, you say. Eh, we'll be fine."

I think I'm the only sane person left in this house. In this family. My sister refuses to leave. And while I understand about how duty to her patients, she won't even call her school to verify the status of her requirement to attend. "They're going to email me Monday." The hurricane is already going to be here you stupid bitch. What if we don't have power to check fucking emails? We've been arguing a lot over this. But her reply is always the same. "If you want to go, then leave."

I've been confused as to why I haven't left either. Looking out for No. 1? I....can't...leave. I can't leave her. I can't do it myself. Where would I go? This is the first time I've really had to make a decision as an adult. My decision? Well I haven't left yet, have I?

I was hurt. And I wanted to spread that. I told her that one of us needs to die so she will finally learn her lesson. We got into a huge argument & I said "I know which one of us I want to die." I regret saying that. But I'm not going to apologize. Never.

My parents are no help. They blindly follow whatever my sister says. I swear I'm the black sheep. I hope my dad will be okay. Fuck my mom, she's in Houston. She good. Stupid L'auberge. Calcasieu has a mandatory evacuation. And yet you still have not dismissed you employees yet? How are you going to operate without guests to play in your casino or sleep in your hotel? Even if he gets off, where is he going to go? Fuck, I hate Louisiana. I called him last night to try to talk to my sister. His dumb ass says Baton Rouge will be fine because it's always been fine. He's not one to believe the "what-ifs." I told him that was the stupidest thing anyone could have ever said. And that he was stupid. *hang up*

Then...I cried. Nothing to do. Nowhere to turn. No ideas. No backup plans. All I was left with was tears.

I'm worried. I tried to just ignore it, but reality is, a storm's brewing. Destination: Louisiana. This is real. Real bad. What's my outcome? I may be over dramatic, but...I'm actually scared for my life.

in my eyes pt. 1

2008-08-24T04:13:00.000-05:00

"Dis water got more body den ME!"

2008-08-23T00:56:00.002-05:00

Assembly. Fuck. Wake up at 7 in the morning after at most four hours of sleep. Drive in traffic infested Baton Rouge to LSU where there are fucking gates at every turn. Ugh, it's getting late so let's just park in the visitor's center. Walk, walk, walk. Where the fuck is it? Damn campus. Over 2000 acres. My feet thank me. Okay, I officially don't know where to go. Hey! A group. Oh well, follow them. It works. Get into a big assembly center. Maybe 3,000 people in here, & I have no idea who any of them are. I feel so alone. Let's just sit in this closed off section. Hmm, Pakastani speaker from England. Interesting. Start dozing off though. Random quote. "A-holes are everywhere." The author (artist. Good one Kaylyn!) is coming to speak in April. I can't wait to see her. Her book is very good. Lots of insight on the Middle East in comparison to USA. I met a Viet/Chinese guy from Lafitte though. I tried, happy?

One speaker said this book was a memoir of Marjane Satrapi's. In 2028, us general freshman will be the same age as her when she wrote Persepolis. Will we have a memoir? Will it ever exist? And even if it does, who will care about it. At least one. Us. She suggested to everday of your college years to document anything worth mentioning that you accomplished today. Anything in your day worth mentioning. That intrigues me. I might try it. I do want to write a book someday. A memoir of sorts I suppose. But I hate writing. But how else will people ever know I existed? That I felt. Blah, hippie shit.

Take pictures. Lots & lots. I want to see how your lives are going. A picture is worth 1000 words. I love taking pictures. Documenting where I've been. What I've done.

Man getting lost is easy. And it's so hot. I can't wait until winter. I love winter. Though the weather always makes me feel empty & incomplete? Sound crazy? Possibly. I walked around with a huge map in my face. I suppose people pitied me & tried to help. Pointed me in the wrong direction though. Fucker. Long lines everywhere! So not worth it.

If you thought The Fresh Market was nice, Whole Foods is even more extravagent. Even live music. Gelato section. No sushi section though. Major deduction. Water! Haha Kaylyn that moment was GOLDEN! Only you would get laughed at for being compared to a water bottle.

Class starts Monday. Am I prepared? Emotionally? No. Not at all. I miss my old life. I miss my friends. Them the most. I hope I'm missed too. This is what it takes for you to realize what you really value in your life.

productive is nice, yet procrastinate is just sooo much more enticing

2008-08-21T18:59:00.003-05:00

So many things to do before college is in session. Most of them should have been done already. Damn. I just finished this mandatory alcohol education course online. Passing it was required of at least 80%. I got 80%. Whew, close. Has some interesting information about drugs, alcohol, stress, & such issues dealt with in everyday life. Oh yeah, sexual health. ;}.

I'm exercising now. Go figure. & eating salads. New Harrison? Scary.

So I got my TOPS stipend back. Total: $18.30. Hmmm... I'M PISSED AS FUCK! Supposed to be $800. Just how many fees are there? *sigh* That's the government for you.

Getting lost? Sure thing.

wait wait wait! okay, go!

2008-08-20T03:01:00.006-05:00

So my next blog entry is supposed to be about moving to Baton Rouge & what I'm leaving behind. WORK IN PROGRESS. Haha by the time I'm finished with it, it wouldn't matter anymore, hence the Nationals entry. Anyways I figure something written is pretty productive.

How have I been? Roller coaster. Within 24 hours of moving to BR, my car was broken into & my new GPS was stolen. I felt unsafe & violated at first, but it's over with now. Lesson learned. Welcome to Baton Rouge. I kept getting comments that just made me feel even more down, except for one. Darius! Haha the first reply he gave me after he found out was what my car was doing at Southern University for. That really put a smile on my face. :)

Man things are moving fast. I have school soon. Not as soon as others I see. Mcneese, Southern, & ULM have already begun class. Aaron's in college before me! Man, old. I still have not gotten around to so many obligations that are dependent on me. Fuck. I need to find a job, finish the LSU paperwork, get a parking pass, get up to date on my immunizations, & plan out my California trip. Damn procrastination!

I'm really getting into the college spirit now. Buying my books was the initial step. As expensive as they were, (& they were!) I have nothing but optimism for August 25th.

I miss...alot. I miss my friends. I miss knowing my way around town. I miss..well never mind. It'll all be water under the bridge right? But then I guess there's no escaping it. (As we've all learned from Katrina.)

Thank you! For what? Who cares? Thank you for doing what you do so well. Sorry, I'm tired. I think the lethargy is hitting me right now.

PS! Hyori's new single is the fucking shit!

oh, bother

2008-08-12T16:26:00.002-05:00

'Tis troublesome.

Don't be wasteful now.

Oh, bother. Why bother?

father son bonding

2008-08-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

-Where are you going? It’s like, midnight.
-I’m going to the old apartment.
-Lie.
-What would I lie to you for?
-I don’t know then. Why do you?
-I’m your father. I don’t have any reason to lie to you.
-But you do.
-Like when?
-Oh please! Do you really want me to list the times!?
-I’m YOUR father!! I don’t have to answer to YOU!
-Shut up. Get out of my face. I don’t want to see you.
*door slam*
That’s how my father & I bond.

bring it stormy

2008-08-05T02:35:00.002-05:00

Go ahead, finish off what I have left here. This chapter of my life is officially over.

bị ngăn cấm quả

2008-07-22T14:37:00.004-05:00

Well this is new. Never have I not been able to get something I want. Plan of tatics? I suppose kicking and screaming is out of the question. *sigh* Those were the simpler days. Time is taking its toll on me. I feel things that I really shouldn't be. Lòng khao khát, sự ganh tị, lòng ghen tị, sự ao ước. How can I be stupid enough to fall for this? Harrison, you dumb fuck. Can I even face sự loại trừ? Too humiliating. And Harrison Taylor Phan is not one to have anyone get the upper hand. Never.

Why am I mad? Why should I care? I say I don't, but I really do. I shrug it off, thinking that it's a lost cause. And it really is. Too much baggage. I hate myself. I just have to get it out though. I'll never be able to live with myself unitl I can finally speak it. My own sense of closure.

But it's okay. Soon Baton Rouge will be your new home. Out of sight, out of mind. Has this logic ever worked? Will it now? Please do. I have no other alternative.

I love….

2008-07-06T15:50:00.001-05:00

• Late night infomercials
• Free food
• Calculators
• Barnes & Noble
• Casinos
• rain
• Video games, not that I even play them anymore
• Movies that make me think, laugh, cry
• Childhood cartoons
• Cities
• Photography
• Driving
• Upbeat music
• Astronomy (don’t say it)
• The first day of school
• The last day of school
• Waking up with no agenda
• Showers in the afternoon
• Taking in the “sights”
• Inside jokes
• Watches
• Apple computers
• the cool side of the pillow
• Texting
• “going to Dallas”
• A good mystery
• Mosaics
• Midnight trips to Walmart
• Snow (though I’ve yet to see any here)
• Flying in airplanes
• wikipedia
• Dramas
• The smell of coffee
• The Titanic
• Malls
• Oscar & Vienna
• Catfights
• Happy endings
• Mp3 players
• Daydreaming (the only ones I can remember!)
• Mail with my name hand-written
• The Asian mindset
• Presents!
• Spider Solitaire
• Ebonics
• Racial slurs (asian ones, however, are just tasteless)
• Tbc…

middle of nowhere

2008-07-02T13:59:00.001-05:00

2:30 AM. I drove around town mindlessly. Left or right? It really doesn’t matter. Left it is. Oh, I’ve never seen that before; probably never see it again. I wonder what’ll be there in 10 years. Late at night, Lake Charles is a ghost town. Ever watch “I AM LEGEND”? It popped in my head as I was tearing up the roads in my earth-destroyer. I had no idea where I was going or why. The point was that I just didn’t want to face….the end of the road. Another chapter in my book written. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not.

attention everyone, everything

2008-06-27T00:02:00.001-05:00

I hate...so much right now. I hate you. I hate me. I hate with a passion.

Greed, deception, ignorance, incompetence, cowardness, passiveness, indifference, stupidity...the list goes on.

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck me, fuck life. I don't care anymore.

Where are those razors?

fighting tiger in action

2008-06-23T16:47:00.003-05:00

Man I'm so tired. I'd go take a nap, but I'm sitting in the LSU library to kill time since I had three hours to kill for orientation. This MAC I'm typing on is nice, though. Two monitors, and it does that dragging feature which just astounds me. And I learned something today! Macbooks can right-click! It just needs to be set so! Damn! Now I should have gotten an Apple. Oh well.

Anyways, orientation has been long & mind-numbing. Lots of seating areas, I see. That's good, since after walking all across fucking campus I'd need a break. Am I excited for college? Hmmm...that's a very good question. It seems there is no stupid question here at LSU. Bullshit. But in regard to that, I STILL don't think the reality of this major transition in my life has hit me yet. Possibly when it's over the shock will hit me.

I think I only have to take four classes. That sounds great. Mandarin, Sociology, Calculus, & Biology. I think. Not sure yet, scheduling is tomorrow.

Man this blog entry sucks. Sorry for having to suffer. I'm so tired from only two hours of sleep. This world is not cut out for night owls.

Okay so maybe this environment isn't the hellhole I expected. Baton Rouge has some nice aspects to it. PERKINS ROWE. AMAZING. I suppose it could be worse.

Oh no, I'm growing up. That can't be. I just started.....eighteen years ago. Ouch. One gray hair, & it's up the bell tower I go.

high fructose corn syrup, best friend

2008-06-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

So I limited myself to merely one coke a day (if any) or if I'm out being social or such. It sucks. Only step one of a diet. NOOOOOOO. Goodbye cellulite, I hardly knew ye. One of my most prized possessions, along with porn.
The sweet fizz of a coke. Fuck why am I giving it up? Damn you Rachel & Aaron. But it's for the best. There's more out there than food and beverage. ........ I don't know either.

nothing to show for it

2008-06-16T21:51:00.006-05:00

Let's start over. Hi. My name's Harrison. Nice to meet you. Have a nice day.

No redo button? Figures. What is that word? Repentance? Yuck. Damn you cricket. Take your umbrella and go. GUILT. How abstract. Yet such the plague. I can't breathe. Pang after pang.

Tôi không hiểu bạn. Lựa chọn di. Chỉ chắc chắn sao cho tôi không điên. Rời khỏi những giấc mơ của tôi, những hình ảnh tưởng tượng của tôi, tim của tôi. Thời gian thật sự chữa khỏi mọi vết thương? Hy vọng vào nó.

Ghen tị? Lợi dụng? Vải láng? Chắc chắn.

stitch in time

2008-06-15T13:53:00.001-05:00

why would it take a near-death experience for me to feel most alive? Is that why the spark kids all toke up?

wash away my problems

2008-06-12T03:53:00.006-05:00

"OUT DAMN'D SPOT!" Go ahead. Scrub. It won't make a difference.

The water from the showerhead spikes into me, each drop a dagger. The water's so hot it burns like the scarlet letter. Change of pace. Down goes the dial. Make the aqua so cold it numbs my soul.

Okay, I'm a prune now. Soap, you betrayed me. How can I be clean when i feel so dirty? Pull the plug. The secrets don't go down the drain...they float up and haunt me.

Guilt. Shame. Jealousy. Deception.

How could I breathe? I would've drowned long ago with all this thrown at me.

I'm only one person. How can I move a mountain? Blink, and I'll be gone.

I shouldn't have said anything. Sorry. Ignorance is bliss? Fuck.